I'm thinking about an exercise I went through recently. It related to the idea that as I change for the better as an individual some of the people in my life will be supportive of this change and others will not. And that one of the tough parts of changing for the better for myself is that the nature of some of my friendships will change. I already see this happening. Given the place I'm currently in I'm being very protective of myself, to not get pulled into drama with friends or family. But in doing that I have either had to place aside certain friendships for a little while or stand up and say that I disagree with what someone may be asking me. It is disheartening really to see some of the people that are closest to me ask me for things or say things that stem from a belief system that is opposite of what I would like mine to be. Sometimes it is also overwhelming. My muscles aren't strong enough yet to be able to repeatedly stand up and exercise themselves in the face of negativity or an expression that does nothing but demean me or the world I live in. This all sounds so dramatic. It isn't, but for the sake of not becoming too personal I've written it in this vague, overarching manner.

Given the last few weeks today was a good day. I was up early and out the door by 8:30 and on a Saturday too! Although after being out the entire day and being wet and cold I loved the feeling of coming home and putting on those socks that are big and fluffy and not meant for shoe-wearing, but for lounging around the house in. Unfortunately I didn't get the work done I really should have tonight so that is tomorrow's task.

I'm sitting here with a thought dancing on the periphery of my consciousness. A thought I will leave there tonight. There is no way I know to jump over the void, no matter how much I have tried. I've backstepped recently and filled it and now I'm just hoping that it reappears again so that the real healing can begin...so I can find a way to fill it completely on my own without running here or there. Tonight I want to be held, but really only by myself if that makes any sense. I want warmth, wholeness, compassion, empathy and belief in the world.