I finally went to see the doctor this morning. I've been having serious pain and trouble walking and have been really scared about all this. I'll know more next week after I get my some test results.

This week was a little rough. I took some first steps that I haven't taken in a while, but I was also in a situation in which I felt excoriated. I'm tired of people who act as if I have no concept that I am at this unhappy place in my life because of myself and my actions and beliefs, that I can be offensive sometimes and say naive things, and that I don't understand that my criticalness can come off as insulting. I'm not stupid. If these people knew me better or believed in me they would know that I'm extremely hard on myself in a way that actually limits my moving forward. I don't need other people to humiliate me as well. There are ways to get one's point across, even an opposing one, in a firm, tactful and supportive manner. And doing it that way increases the chances for ongoing dialogue about the topic as opposed to one person becoming defensive and shut down.

I'm at this point where I'm trying to see who I am and develop a stronger sense of self. Should this have been done a long time ago? Yes. Do I feel like a fool that I am having to do it now? Of course, but I see no point anymore in concentrating on that. It is a waste of energy. And I also know other people (mostly women in relationships) who would not accept their partner's junky behavior over and over again if they had a stronger sense of self-worth...so I think obviously this is a common thing that many people haven't attained properly while going through their stages of development. And when I talk to these women the second I ask about how their partners are taking responsibility and working through the issues at hand the women always backtrack and start defending their man. I'm starting to lose patience and so I've stopped asking about their relationships.

The point of this tangent is that I seem to be still at the same crossroads I have been at for a long time, still trying to decide which path to choose. The answer of course is to create my own third path in which I take the elements I value from the two roads and create the rest on my own. Someone said to me recently "You have so many 'supposed tos' in your life" and she was right.

There are people in my life that don't have two cents to their name, but they are the most non-judgmental people I have ever met and they exude love. I also know people that are very hardworking, Herman Miller chair, ABC Home types and have a lot of money, an apt. in New York and are so rigid to the idea that life is lived in the greys that they won't even consider it. I also know people that in one sitting their jewelery, bag, clothing, and cell phone combined is seriously more than the GDP of some third world countries and they are defined by this. And while there are things I admire in each of these three groups: the sense of love and belief in the world, working hard, and a sense of style I don't want to belong to any of them. I would like to live in a world where when people ask me where I live in New York I don't have to follow up saying Harlem with an explanation about how it is safe and why I have chosen to live here.