I sound my barbaric yawp

I seek to be moved in my life. I come from a culture rich with vibrant color, enticing victuals, dramatic flair, passionate music, and yet as the child of immigrants passion is something that was not given importance. The flighty nature of passion in friendships and relationships was always stressed. Trust, connection with others and working through shame were always pushed away to the corner and downplayed. People will read this and think I'm troubled (as one reader of my blog told me), but what I have come to find in recent days is that there is no need for me to feel ashamed and hide from my honest disposition of who I am, what I struggle with, and where I come from. Many people I know are not capable of voicing these things out loud, owning them, and then working through them. I seek to be moved and to dance in the joy of sunlight. I walk down New York City's streets and turn my head up to the sky to let the sun, the snowflakes, and the drizzly rain bathe my face. I've always seeked to be moved. This is my journey to leave the house of drab greys, the "you shoulds" and "you have tos" and live in the red-walled places with oranges, yellows, greens and blues. One can live with passion and mix in the practical concerns of daily life as well. I am to be trusted. I am to be loved. My heart is not something to be played with. I am beautiful, magnificent even with all my hair, my smile and my willingness to open my heart and jump in. My heart is not extended for another to play ball with, to bruise, and put away only to be taken out when amusement strikes. The caverns of my heart contain secret crevices filled with writing from the beautiful souls I have met. Those people have etched themselves there without their knowledge. It is beautiful. I am beautiful. I have something to give to this world that is uniquely mine. And when that beauty is extended it comes back to me in the form of people, places, experiences and things learned. I will no longer shortchange myself. My passion, self-reflective nature, and intensity are all my assets. I will learn to roast a chicken. I will cook more. I will decorate my apt. I will try. I will write. I will run. I will take care of me and no longer waste time on dates with people who aren't making my heart joyful or who don't treat my heart with respect. I am gorgeous. I walk out the door every day seeking to be moved. Now I throw my hands up, raise my head to the sky, breathe in deeply the cold air and say all i have is right now, all i can do is savor every taste of this bite. i seek to quench my thirst. tear open the man-made walls that we put up to control the passion, chaos, magic, and intensity of the world around us. our lives are not a television studio like in the truman show. rip open that wall that you, your family, your culture, your religion, your society has placed in your life. swim downstream in the red, orange, green, blue, and yellow currents.