Who are your people?

I was contemplating this question today.  Not so much as who will be there for me in a hard time.  I have wonderful people in my life who will be there for me if I ask, but who are the people whose presence moves something inside me that I can't put into words.  Their presence resonates with something deeper than just a superficial common interest in a tv show.  As I'm a single woman living in a different state from my immediate family I think too about who my "family" is in the vicinity around me.  I have a lot of extended biological family here and while we see one another regularly that connection is not on an emotional level I think for any of us.  My desire to be closer in that way with some of them has never been reciprocated in the way I want due to a difference in our "Indianness" (meaning I was born here and they were born abroad and therefore they consider me not Indian).  This is a perception I can't work on changing because just cause I was born in this country and may be considered an American Born Confused Desi doesn't make me any less Indian than others, it just makes me a different type of Indian.  I used to resent this distinction that is always mainly made by the Indians in my life who were born and raised in India, but now I just realize the need to make this distinction is about them and not me.

I guess what I've been thinking about is connection.  I feel a lack of connection here in Blogland.  The regulars that used to visit here and comment don't come around anymore.  More often than not I'm the one initiating regular contact with friends inviting people out to events, etc.  I sent an email out to 124 people the other day recommending a new blog that just started and 3 people responded, just 3.  I know I have more free time than others given my work and school schedules.  I know that every day people open their inboxs to an onslaught of email.  I know that people only have so much attention span.  I know people have families, pets, jobs, hobbies, difficult problems in their lives, etc.  So I realize this isn't anything personal.  But some times once in a while it feels personal.

Tonight I spent some time looking for a birthday gift for a friend's soon to be 2 year old son.  I was looking specifically for some Indian related kids' books and videos because I've heard now there are such products.  (These didn't exist when I grew up here.)  I thought about my own extended family's twins and decided to also buy them some of these DVDs singing hindi songs, teaching the alphabet, talking about Diwali and I wondered if any of the other many cousins in our family were spending this type of time on these twins.  Of course I could be wrong, but I'm willing to wager money that the answer is no.  I thought about how I am not on track at this point to have kids and that if I ever get married I may be too old to have kids of my own which made me sad and how ever since these little girls were born and I held them I thought of my mom and how much she loves me and wanted to have a connection with these little twins.  I'm setting up 529 plans in their names and contributing whatever little money I can put aside for them and I think how if my parents knew they would not appreciate this or understand why I would want to do this.  They would miss the message inherent in that action and move on to a lecture about how I need to save my money.  I have thought about doing this for my close friends' kids too if I could afford to.  If I were to ever make a lot of money I would set up a scholarship fund in the name of a close friend of mine who died many years ago of Cystic Fibrosis.  And yet no one ever looks at this and values it in my culture.  They don't value connection.  They value your resume and your biodata, your appearance and your investment portfolio....things I had and gave up 3 years ago cause I was burned out from trying to value and be all these things in the business world and still maintain my voice.  I foolishly dated someone for a long time on and off who very much lived and wanted to be in that world, who never resonated with my spirit/my soul, and who I never felt valued me for me, but for how much I tried to support him in his life.  People always write things like "just once in my life it would be nice if...".  But I don't agree with that.  It would be nice if I could build a community of people who are supportive, who can verbalize and show their love and appreciation throughout my life.