an unrefined and unedited personal post that i should probably not publish

It was never supposed to go like this. This was never the plan. But I've gone so off-track from any plan that I worry I'll never get on-track again. I've come to two conclusions recently. Number 1: The things within others that I have a strong reaction to have more to do with me than them. Just like that writer of The Four Agreements says. Number 2: I'm not as fucked up as I have always thought I am. And thinking this is the very thing that holds me back and keeps me down. In therapy the other day my therapist asked me something personal about what I wanted in my life. I ended up answering that question by first filtering in my family's needs which of course she pointed out quickly which of course I knew. For real reasons that I won't go into in this space I've always defined myself in this way, always from childhood on. I know that inherent in me was a certain sensitivity and concern for what those around me were feeling. I have more than a few memories about being concerned about others and really picking up on their feelings from kindergarten on. I could choose to see this as a gift, but instead I have carried this sometimes as a burden because with this sensitivity to others comes a vulnerability and more importantly a strong desire to help. the thought of not stepping in and helping just breaks my heart. but in stepping in you forget about yourself. when you step in you allow yourself to get taken advantage of, people forget about your needs, people who love you but cannot deal with things on their own lean far too much on you, and you don't even think to have any concern for the growth, the play time, the space you need to become your own person. a friend recently said to me that any man that entered my life right now i would reject. i think she is wrong about this, but i listened and definitely considered what she said and why. and i understand it i think. i've gone on a number of dates and had a number of men enter my life in the past few months and i've rejected each one, but i think this is a good thing. i'm standing up for what i want, i'm defining it, i'm setting boundaries and limits for the things i know i cannot live with or without and moving forward. and now i've come to a point where it is time to release all this. it is time to stop looking back. in the past 3 weeks 4 men from my dating past have re-emerged and i've listened to what i'm feeling and thinking and acted in a way that while not perfect is much healthier than i ever have in the past. i thought today about how much freer my life would be if i stopped looking backward and let it all go. and while this is scary, standing on nothing anymore, it is really liberating. i don't have to be anyone. i don't have to define myself by my mistakes. i don't have to see myself and think am i screwed up or what does it mean that this person didn't like me, etc. this was all eloquent when i was thinking of writing it the other day. but at 4am i don't have the patience or focus to clean it up and write it nicer and more sophisticatedly. who would i be without my story. who would i be without that monkey that i have always carried on my back. it will never go away, i know that. there is a lesson here to learn about compartmentalizing. that's the problem with being too sensitive to what the people you love are feeling, when they have major tools missing from their toolbox you carry the burden of fixing them and you also stand in their firing line and they take out their insecurities on you and you have to perform and do well to make them feel better about their lives. it never goes away. you never get to solve it. because you can't solve it. if they have no interest in admitting or seeing it you have to go about things as if they aren't how they are cause if you try to intervene you just get the brunt of another person's anger.

i'm never going to be some of the things my family wants. i'll never be a doctor. i may never get married. i'll never have beautiful clear skin. there will always be something i don't fulfill because i can't fulfill what they are unhappy with in their lives. and i can't make up for a past generation's problems. by defining myself by all the things i'm not and by being a part of a cohort of people who never point out what i am no attention is ever given by me or anyone else to all that i encompass that is good. a year ago today i was in a much different place emotionally than i am now. i didn't know how certain things in my life would play out as they now have and that I would get hurt in a way that I never imagined. i never deserved this i see now. but when you're weak and pathetic and really just want to be loved and heard you will step into the line of fire if that is what you're used to and open yourself up and be vulnerable because on some level you don't believe that people who care about you would hurt or treat you badly on purpose. but i see now that i didn't do anything to warrant other people's treatment or disregard. ok i can't write anymore and i'm just rambling and i've probably written all this before.