Thoughts in the sacred moments...

I just woke up.  Although the world outside is full of activity my apartment shuts all noise out so it is quiet in here.  In the first few sacred minutes of silence to my day I have many thoughts.

I remember that I had another complicated mystery dream...this one complete with Oprah in it.

And I think about last night.  As we were just steps from where you used to live I couldn't help but turn around and look for you more than once.  It has happened that we have bumped into each other on your street.  Today when I think about all this I wonder why did I bother to look.  And I wonder is it the pause my heart takes when I see you.  But after that I realize I don't know you at all anymore.  I realize now my naivete and sheltered life only knew a portion of you when we were together.  But if 2008-2009 taught me anything it was that even that portion...means nothing now.  If you had the qualities encapsulated in those years (the good ones) you never would have treated me the way you did later.  I absolutely know now we are strangers, not estranged from one another...but that we really don't know each other anymore.  That makes me sad for a second, but then I feel nothing.  This isn't just my doing, but yours as well.  I cannot have anyone in my life who treats me with the disrespect and disregard that you have.  I could say you should be ashamed of this, but given the way you act I don't think you would care.  If you felt any kind of remorse you would brush it off and move on to the next woman, the next drink, the next joint, the next work situation.  I'm no longer shocked by how things turned out as I once used to be.  It ripped me up whittled me down to my very essence.  And from there I build again my way.  It is a hard slow process, but I have always known this is the way I wanted it to be for me.  To be honest when it comes to me I think you're a loser for how you treated me and for whatever it is you believe about me that you think treating me this way is excusable and acceptable.  For me I now have been given the education to learn what to really look for in a man and what not to put up with.  

My life is slow and silent now.  I move through it now a little more consciously to live it deliberately.  When I ask myself why I want to book a ticket and go see friends across country in a few days I think it is to get in touch with something real.  Sometimes NY is not real to me...this life here the second time around has been some type of escape from the real world of responsibility and living.  I don't think I want this anymore.  It was an escape for me to comfort myself, to hide.  I'm starting to want something different now.