upswing

well thankfully whatever was pulling me down yesterday didn't stay long enough to obstruct my pulling things together last night and this morning.  spent the night picking up around the apartment, watching It's Complicated which I surprisingly liked and packing...even remembered the tupperware...she will be so happy.  made a list of the bare minimum that had to get done and tried to just do that.  of course i ended up cleaning up a little of the mess which made me feel better and then just returned to the list and stuck to that.  didn't get all of it done which shows clearly it didn't all need to get done apparently since i'm sitting here not freaking out about it.  have to stuff everything into this duffel bag here, pack my computer and videocamera, pack a dress, shower and then i'm off

i used to be so disappointed in people all the time, but something in the last few days i don't know...i mean it hasn't completely gone away, but being disappointed takes effort and being upset just drains my energy and is tiring.  i sat at dinner with two friends and realized in the middle of a conversation they were having that i didn't want to relate and accept the realization one friend was sharing with us because the truth was/is i don't want that to be my world and also because i think she is utilizing happiness in one part of her life to take over and help her avoid dealing with the other I think more important and major part of my life.  but i'm projecting my own priorities onto her world which isn't fair or about her, but about me.

does anyone who reads this blog know what it feels like to confront many things you suck at all at the same time?  does anyone know what it feels like to say wow i've allowed myself to waste a number of years of my life in depression and not move forward?  well i'm finally able to say that is how i feel.  i know i needed the time and space to just be and not have some overwhelming and overly involved parent here pushing me this way or that, but i could have had that and still maintained certain things in my life.  but i chose not to do that.  i chose to just be, to wallow, to let the quicksand take me under when i knew it was going to, to cry about something over and over years ago that i'm so glad i no longer have anymore tears for.  i also chose to not change and that's what is happening now.

i've been for a while now standing at whatever wall or obstruction i've put up to the next part and i've been getting angry and saying i don't know to the people who are trying to help me and asking why am i not doing this or that, and i think maybe i'm trying to resist any change and going down kicking and screaming.  makes no sense right cause the change will be so good for me.  growing up if something was good for me i think a lot of the time i did it.  but makes sense i realize now.  school, extracurricular activities were my world, they took me away from an intense home environment and it was nice to be good at something in a life where all i felt all the time was alone.  i feel very sad for that little girl i was.  because i know how alone i felt and sometimes living in a home with your family and feeling alone while people are around is a lonelier feeling than when you actually live alone.

i realize in writing this something i've always felt and maybe said here before.  i've always felt like my adult life, my accomplishments had to make up for the lives my parents didn't have or weren't able to fully create in the ways i would have wanted for them.  and given what i'm referring to which only those who i'm really close with will know...how could i ever have taken that on and thought my back wouldn't break.

i had a nice talk with the head of this program i'm in.  it went better than i expected and she was open to hear what i had to say and also responded with advice when i asked for it.  she also offered me a full refund which i declined.  but now i'm reconsidering.  i spent a lot of money on this program and i could do a lot with that money if i got it back.  and going through all this personal difficulty with my own stuff in this class setting where other people aren't sharing their own crap and i just feel frustrated all the time isn't fun.

I signed up for gift of jewels project at Necessary Room.  August 20 is the last day to join so sign up!  It will be fun.  Last year I received a cool handmade necklace from a lovely stranger.