I've been searching for something for the last week. I've been looking for a necklace with a tiny charm/pendant on it. I don't need this, but for some reason I've been looking online daily for it. I even came across Phoenix Rose the other day while running errands downtown and looked there. I love their jewelery (not the prices though), but still nothing they had seemed to be what I was searching for. I don't know what it is I'm looking for though. So finally after days of looking I've finally come to a place to ask myself what is it you're looking for Samosas? I thought for the past few days this was some type of material compensation for the fact that I've been feeling better this week or for the fact that I was starting to take actions to take better care of myself. But tonight I'm thinking it is about admitting that I'm missing key things in my life that I need...not want...but need in my life for me to be happy and feel a sense of creating the life I want defined by myself. Admitting that isn't easy for me because in my mind...in my old life it would be defined as a big mistake I made...as me being stupid about things and dumb.
One of the limiting beliefs I've realized I need to work on that is at the core of who I am is I'm alone. This belief screws things up for me a lot. I sorta want to raise it in the forum in class as others raise their limiting beliefs, but frankly core beliefs like this...for me even in my coaching sessions they don't get worked out in one or two sessions. So I don't know how much faith I have that anyone will be able to help me there.
A lot of great things happened this week. Every day I came home and planned to write about them on here, but as usual I didn't and now they are all a blur and I'm a little pissed about this right now I realize. I'm a little pissed at my friends that I see them so rarely that in the 1 or 2 hours I have with them they ask to hear what is going on with me and I somehow have to cram 1 month's worth of news into a small portion of that time. Rationally I realize it isn't my friends' fault of course. And that I need to find a community of people that I see much more regularly and/or start dating again, but over the last two days I've been wondering something about people. When it comes to your list of priorities...where on that list do your friends fall? For a good amount of people in my life through their actions I think their friends fall pretty low on the list. This is not a core value of mine. Maybe if I ever get a partner and/or have kids this will change, but honestly at this point I don't think so. I take that back I could see if changing if I had children, but not if I just had a boyfriend or got married. And yet for SO many people when they couple up the priorities totally shift and the friends get pushed down. I could begin to tell you how ridiculous I find this, but what is the point. There is none, I can't change people. If they like being this way more power to them. I'm not interested in having this quality be a part of my life. I've seen enough death in my life to see example over example of women whose whole life, emotional attachments were wrapped up solely in their husbands and then their husbands died and they had to deal with it from that standpoint. I just don't see how one person can be someone's whole world.
If something happened to me do you know how many people would notice within say 3-4 days...um like maybe 2-3 people...meaning my parents and french fry...and they would probably just think i was busy or something and hadn't gotten in touch with them.
i think what is pissing me off is partly that i feel alone in my daily life cause i am alone. and i think the more i peel away the layers of myself as things are stirred up within me due to class the more i'm starting to see how what i want in my life...what i want to be and the life i want is different from the friends in my life that i think of as people i'm the closest too. i think sometimes i resent or feel surprised at how people don't do the simplest things for others they care about. people can generically write happy birthday on someone's facebook page but they usually don't take 5 minutes to write an email or call or say to that person's face...here are 3 things i really adore about you and here is how you have impacted my life and why i'm glad you're in it. this has never been said to me once ever that i can remember by my parents. and so i'm very clear that it is something i want to make sure to say to the people in my life. but lately i feel like i say it so much that it is starting to sound like a broken record and a little too much and i realize i'm doing it cause i'm really seeking this back from my friends and my core friends tend to not be sentimental maudlin types at all. so it isn't an expectation i can have of them unless i want to be continually disappointed.
the best part of my week this week was after leaving my therapy appointment on tuesday i was walking in downtown manhattan and started thinking about adults in my life who even to this day stood out in my mind as markers of people who liked me for me and honored who i was and didn't try to squelch who i was and i thought of my old speech (forensics) coach in high school. I still keep in touch with him and his family so I had his number in my phone so I picked up the phone, called his secretary and asked her to put me through to his voicemail. And then I left a message telling him how much it meant to me that when i was this self-conscious teenager in high school he treated me like an adult and not just a kid and he allowed me to be who i was and how important of a figure he was in my past history. And I got off the phone and thought this is what i want my life to be like and how lame it is that this isn't a priority for others.
not going to bother going back to reread or edit this. i don't care if it is long and rambling and there are errors. i also don't really care if it irritates or offends anyone.
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