Where I'm at

I don't know how to explain what is happening with me right now except to say that I'm doing things my way.  People may not agree with it, they may judge it, but I'm a Taurus through and through and good at being stubborn.  I haven't been pushing myself to do all the things I "should" be doing to get myself back on track.  Something about that makes me feel like I'm forcing myself to do things and that just doesn't work with me anymore.  And yet in the last year and a half there has been some reserve that has started to build up something that is now giving me the strength to give myself a little nudge and whisper "do it" in my ear.  But also now, in the last few weeks specifically registering for class, going to all these different (and some new) activities feels natural because this is who I am.  Someone recently called me a "smothered adventurer" and I liked the adventurer part because truly I think that is who I am and there has been this tiny inkling within me that I'm strong and inquisitive and generally interested in a lot of different things.  (I wish I was also really funny because I love making people laugh I'm realizing.)  I suspect this is why I have friends in a diverse array of professions like medicine, library science, journalism, ornithology and clowning.  I really like this about me.  I also really like being a connector and if there was such a job I would do that.  I like helping people find the information they need.  I like linking people to resources or honoring something they are passionate about.  I like to hear about and brainstorm concrete steps to helping my friends make their wishes into actual realities.  I don't know where any of this is leading and at times I think "have I just screwed up my life by stepping off the corporate track", but I just go with whatever this is.  I don't physically think if I attempted to go back to a corporate job in an office with a product I was not 100% passionate about I could do it.  I'm not being dramatic like I sometimes am (ok maybe a lot of the time), I really mean this.  That other self of mine just couldn't bear it.

I look back at my life thus far and see little clues along the way.  Memories from childhood and adolescence, memories from relationships and I see the little actions I was taking here and there that were preparing me for this time I'm going through right now.  Of course back then I didn't have any idea what was happening, that there was this seed inside me that was trying to grow and get above ground to get light and warmth to sustain itself and blossom.  I didn't understand just how suffocated I had always felt in the life I had, or more accurately how suffocated I felt by living with the standards all around me instead of defining my own standards.  There was always some role to fulfill and I was always trying to fulfill it...until the time when I just stopped doing that altogether...with my parents, in school, at work.  I look back now and see a little bit that for so long I've been fighting against the self (for lack of a better word) that was trying to grow, the self that feels truer to me, the self that fits like a comfortable article of clothing you wear and think "I'm never taking this off."  (Exhibit A: my EMS pants!)  I saw it most in relationships when I would be difficult and get upset about something I knew I shouldn't.  I would nitpick on the tiniest things.  I once asked a friend "Would you date you?"  Basically the way I was I would never date me back then.  Little things that happened in my life were blown up into dramatic, life-altering, what-does-this-mean-about-me-and-the-other-person (in relationships, friendships, work, etc.) events.  And I think most of the time I took the self-righteous approach.  I still do this, but now I'm turning to face myself and recognize it.  As I haven't been in a relationship in a long time I don't know how this will work in that venue, but in other parts of my life I think I'm getting better.

I honored my inner nerd and sports fan this weekend, two parts of me I haven't paid much attention to in a while.   I spent Saturday at the New York Public Library's Schwarzman Building in Bryant Park.  I really love this place.  Specifically I was here.  Isn't it gorgeous?  Just like my love for bookstores I like libraries as well.  But a library as beautiful as this one I love.  I was there for class picking up books and printing out journal articles.  Just looking at a journal article makes me giddy with excitement.  Someone researched something they were interested in by applying the scientific method and gained a new piece of knowledge.  How can you beat that?  (If you knew where I went to college you would understand.)  Sunday I went to my first NFL game.  (For those who are not sports enthusiasts NFL stands for National Football League.)  And I tailgated for the first time ever...which involved me losing my shirt!  (Don't worry, it was all G-rated and no nudity took place.)  I also heard the phrase "dirty sanchez" for the first time and then made the mistake of googling it.  (Is this really what men talk about when they get together?  Gross.  Trust me you don't want to know.)  That night when I came home from a bar where I met up with the same guys I went to the game with to watch the Giants game (yes, I watched two football games in one day!) I had a mini-meltdown.  Partly I think this was because the day reminded me of something from my past that made me sad and partly because of new things forming in my life that apparently terrify me to the core.  I'm not good at romantic relationships.  This is a strong belief I have.  I think I can see what is healthy and unhealthy in another person's relationship, but in my own I'm always nitpicking and there is always drama.  While I'm dating now I'm nowhere close to getting back into another romantic relationship.  I think this is good for me and the right thing right now.  I want to be able to stand strong on my own instead of making the same mistakes where I look for validation from another.  And I realize it has been a very long time since I've been interested in anyone.  It has been many years since I've felt safe around someone (meaning not judged) and liked for who I am. And I think there are so many new things that are happening in my life now that I realize these things are creeping in.  I'm still not excited about dating in New York (ask me about my last five dates and you'll understand), but I'm going to give it a chance by doing my way.