people really suck sometimes

I'm feeling really frustrated right now.  I feel frustrated with people, not the people in my life, but people in general.  I feel frustrated with apathy and self-absorption and people's lack of brotherly love or responsibility.  this is not the type of community i wish to live in.  i believe we all have a responsibility to MORE than just ourselves, our parents and siblings, our spouses and kids...we have a responsibility to those less fortunate than ourselves, to those we may not know personally, to those who we are capable of helping.  and yet it seems VERY FEW...people I know seem to believe this and even fewer actually do anything about it.  someone i dated once told me that time is money and that is why people don't volunteer more.  and i remember to this day very clearly where i was standing in my apt in michigan while i was on the phone having this conversation.  i remember being rendered speechless and shocked that he would say something like this to me and i for a split second thought this is not the guy for me.  i wish i had listened to myself back then, it would have saved me a lot of unnecessary drama and pain.  i feel really disappointed in the human race today.

i knew and have even written about here that i knew that when i started changing my circle of friends would change too.  i thought the exit of two people who played major roles in my life for years would be the major change and then i would add new friends.  i've weathered those people's absence and my life is better for it, healthier, less dramatic and frankly a lot fucking happier.  but i never imagined that in going through my changing i would find out how different i really am from more and more people in my life.

service to me isn't something one does when there is time or if there is time left over.  it isn't something you do to put it on your resume like some of the pre-med majors in college did because they needed it for med school applications.  it is something you do because you have something you can offer someone else or something else, it is something you do to give back for all that you have, it is something that is a part of your weekly routine.  it is a place you make connections, you learn about a world outside of your own immediate world, it is place that challenges you and your stereotypes or notions.  i'm so fucking tired of people who whine and complain and never once ask what is my role in this.  i'm SO fucking tired of people who really don't want to change.  they just sit there and continue to not deal with the big elephants in the room.  i don't know how to be friends with my friends when they do this.  i find it challenging not to say anything.  as i get more and more honest with myself i just can't fucking be around people that aren't honest with themselves about their drinking problem, their depression, their many years of grief, their this, their that.

and tonight i got worked up over something that isn't really a big deal, but i got worked up in a way where i felt physically moved by it and i realized i wanted one person, one person to hear what i had to say and value it.  i wanted one person to look at what i said and consider it and express that what i was saying was unique and had merit and that i don't have someone that does that daily cause i don't have a roommate or a partner.

i sort of want to tell people to fuck off right now, not anyone in particular, just society in general.  the society that thinks posting the color of your bra on facebook is akin to actually doing something about breast cancer...the society that doesn't discuss how the medical research industry seems like it has become a business, driven to study certain diseases more than others because that is where the money is provided.  let's all continue to be lemmings and not really do anything to move the world forward.  that sounds like an awesome plan.  ever heard of daniel pink?  well if you haven't then you've been missing out.  time to start thinking and approaching problems from a different perspective.  i'm so fucking sick and tired of being the one person who questions shit and has to then stand alone.  clearly doing it your old school way is working so amazingly well for this country and the world.