There is too much write.  I think that is why I haven't been writing.  There is too much to read.  I think that is why I haven't been reading.

There are too many ideas.  So I try to wrap my brain around it all.  I realized the other day this is not the path I thought I would be taking in my life.  I never saw myself running my own business, being an entrepreneur.  I always wanted to sail my own ship, but the risk involved in all of this is much larger than I'm normally used to.  Budgets, arranging my own benefits, retirement...these are advantages of working at a large company.  And yet despite all the security I feel by having those things and all the other nice perks I have received while in the corporate world I have yet to find a job there that I want that would make me want to answer to someone else again.  Maybe in time when this path has taken on some mastery of its own I will go back there in a different capacity, but for now I can't do it.  I haven't been really able to do it for the last three and a half years.  And now I'm sitting here and the life inside of me is a different picture than even I thought it would be 6 months ago, 1 year ago, 3 years ago.  Why?  Because I could never have imagined or faked my way into trying to feel a certain strength, a certain faith, a certain affirmation that this is where I fit.  It is the kind of quiet force that maintains you gently and yet I suspect grounds me in a way that holds me firm to honor myself first and foremost.  To honor myself beyond my anxieties, beyond my immense desire to be loved, beyond what used to feel like desperation to assuage my insecurities.  And now, in the last day, I keep thinking of that phrase Oprah used to say on her show years ago that went something like The world can dream a bigger dream than you can dream for yourself.  Because this is what that is I think.  I don't know.  I lose faith when I write that, but if I keep taking action and moving then I think my life is starting to grow in a way that fits and is natural and also is completely different from what I imagined.  Right now it doesn't look like most other people's lives.  I'm not married, I don't have children, I don't even have a full-time job right now.  I have purposely kept my life simple in some ways...although maybe it was more just that having gone through a crappy relationship and dealing with the pain that caused I just am a lot more hesitant to complicate my life in that way again right now.  Friends push me to date.  And I watch other friends get excited about their own possible foray back into this world and think there is so much more to life.  Why must that always be the first priority we discuss?  Have you never heard or more importantly, have you never seen a woman who has found her frequency and is living within in?  Did she have to have a man to do that?  No.  Have you ever been a woman who found that frequency for yourself?  But somehow this is not the first topic when dating conversations happen.  The first attitude we present is excitement and interest and thus affirmation of the underlying importance of having a partner.  I think there is so much more to life than that.  And I think that is not and should not be the first priority.  If you're my friend and you're reading this you will have a lot of retorts to it.  But for now I believe it is possible to be open to love and emotional intimacy in a way that complements my desire to develop and strengthen the rest of my world.