life doesn't fit together like puzzle pieces

Where did this all come from?  I thought I was somewhat organized right now, but once you dismantle that organization you can't walk a straight path in my apartment.  And now I look around and I see
oh my god
this is who i've been
lately
the last 3 years
maybe forever

books being saved
for another time to be read
newspapers paid for
being saved to go through
receipts piling up
to be filed
magazines saved

and not one of those things
in a materialistic way
means anything to me
the only value in them is the knowledge to glean
from them

every time i take a step
i give myself something like
10 pats on the back
not literally to myself
i would benefit from that maybe
but outside
i'm vocal
the martyr
as if i've discovered
the remedy for a
fatal illness

but the truth i'm scared
to wonder may be
that with each step you take deeper
into this self-growth
into this excavation
of the concrete you have
built in your life
the harder it gets

i never thought when i said
sure come visit
that this would be the flipside of that invitation
but something knew
that this was the right time
and right thing
to spur me
to oil my tin man joints
and start to move again

my therapist once said many months ago
that as i changed up my apartment
i should take photos of it in different stages
i guess to document from where i came
and what i did
and what i made happen for myself
so i have been doing just that today

in each stage of what seems like
a convoluted rearrangement
i have taken photos. 
i'm about to take another set

i think it is very hard
once you fall off one end
once you're deep inside the rabbit hole
to come out
it is possible i believe
but after seeing so much sadness
so much sorrow
you are forever changed
those who say they're not
are closed off
or interpret this as damage

i am tired of trying to make sense of it all
because the truth is that is all i have been trying to do on this hiatus from life
and the other reality is that none of it makes any sense
life doesn't fit together like puzzle pieces do you think
i just have to go about living my life

sometimes i wonder if i were gone
who would miss me