blah blah blah

During a group coaching session when I was running on very little sleep over many days and it was catching up to me my coach remarked that she liked coaching clients sometimes on little sleep. I assume maybe cause our defenses aren't as strong, we're tired and closer to our essential selves. It is an hour when I should be sleeping, but as I had no work today I had the luxury to try and stave off what I am thinking is the beginning of some sinus issue as I've had 3 days of headaches. So I ate, took medicine and slept. I did other things, but I'm too tired to talk about them here right now. There is something I do want to write about though.

I made a commitment recently to attend an event of someone I'm related to to celebrate the impending arrival of a new member of her family. At the time and as usual I was doing this to try and create a stronger bond with this person. I have been trying to do for over a year and now as I sit thinking about this trip and how I don't want to take it a cringing feeling arises in me. Because this event and the people most associated with it represent to me everything...EVERYTHING that I'm trying to distance myself from. And I think it is time for me to let go of the fantasy I had that this relationship could be something it isn't going to be. She and I will most likely never have the same vocabulary about how we see life. We certainly don't have it now. And the more I think about who I want to be and am becoming the less and less I see how she will ever understand or appreciate that. The last week has been one of letting go of hopes about more than one relative. And I realize there is no one I'm related to that speaks the same language as I do. When I do something nice for another my parents upon hearing about this do not greet it with pride or a smile, but a why did you do that, save your money. When I am insulted by a relative my family does not meet this usually with a defense of me, but critical questioning about what and why I did something. I wrote my mother an email last week after such a response to a small nice thing I did for a extended family member. In that email I ended up making a list of all things I could think of that I wish my mom would say that she is proud of me for. To this day I'm angry that I have to emotionally parent myself. And then I wrote out what I believe about the way the world works and our roles in creating them and I reread it and realized I had written something that could be said to be a part of a mission statement if I ever had to produce one for my life. Here is an excerpt:

I believe there is a lot of good in the world and I believe it is possible to see that good and live in that way while still being smart and not being naive, but you have to choose to see it that way. Society will try to tell you you're not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, etc. And the way to combat all these negative messages is to surround yourself with people who support you, who tell you the good things about yourself, who cry with you when you are sad and celebrate with you when good things happen.

I also believe that it is possible to change. If change was not possible then human beings would have very little hope. And while changing a habit or a lifelong pattern is very hard it is possible. I believe that and am living my life in that way. And while life is hard I don't believe it has to be lived by walking around with buried resentments or with people who treat me disrespectfully and I choose not to surround myself with people like this.