Had so much I wanted to write here lately. To use this space to work some things out, but that never seems to happen. I read other people's posts. Some seem so filled with lessons and witticisms and this and that. And yet I never set out to write something that the reader takes away some idea, some point, some argument from. I'm not trying to prove anything here. I'm just writing out what I feel. I don't know how people write out these self-helpy posts. Even if I tried I could never write something like that. The more I think to write, the less I do it, the more writer constipation my brain and fingers have. I know...gross analogy. :)

I want to yell and shout and say Don't you see me? Don't you see all the changes I'm making? Don't you see how different I am from a year ago? And yet I feel like now what does it matter. If people saw and noticed why would they not share this sentiment because this would be something the people who care about me would surely want to celebrate with me. And yet who is here to celebrate it? Feels a lot like no one in my daily life. Just saying that makes tears cloud my eyesight. My coaching group sees it and my therapist does as well, and possibly 1 or 2 friends. But in my daily life my successes in this realm are clearly not a big deal to anyone but me. I guess this is how life works when you become an adult. And apparently unless I have some external success like I got a new job, got a boyfriend, am getting married, or having kids people see no reason to celebrate...because apparently people never discuss the internal work they're doing and the internal shifts that happen. That sucks cause I think that is where my life is centered. I think everything else in life, those external things all shift from what happens internally. I know people have limits, but I also now recognize that I deserve for someone to ask hey I remember you had a date the other night, how did that go...especially after I just spent 20 minutes talking to them about all the things happening in their lives. I guess I feel angry, unheard and unacknowledged. I've written ad nauseum about how I didn't realize just how much the people in my life would shift as I change so I won't go into that again. But now I also realize how very lonely change can be. I realize that the foundation I'm building within myself sustains me more now than in the past and that results in shifts in my relationships with others and as that foundation grows stronger and I ask require less of people around me it opens up room for more possibilities and will attract more new and good things into my life. I know now too that in order for me to continue on this path I'm on I have to take people off their pedestals. That is something that I think will be hard for me, but which I've already started to do. But similar to moving into a new apartment in which you are the only occupant before you have learned about the area you live in there is a sense of new discovery coupled with fear or nerves and also coupled for some with loneliness.