F&CK

I say that for a lot of reasons at this moment.  While listening to something on Big Think for a reason I don't know this thought occurred to me....well it is just easier in some ways to cut someone out of your life than to have them in your life and be in the gray zone with them...black and white is just easier.  Oh I remember now.  I was thinking about how it is easier in some ways to not have to deal with a friend of mine who activates a lot of frustration in me on a regular basis than it is to continually have to deal with her...because inevitably on a regular basis the same issues come up and out of her and the only thing I can do to change the situation is respond differently and alter any expectations I have.  I have been doing that certainly, but it takes time to settle into a new routine I think as well.  She remains all about her and as I've pulled back and open up less whatever space I took in the friendship for myself she has now accumulated that space as well.  I can't be around her when she does this ALL the time and I'm not exaggerating here...it is ALL the time.  At least I think 99% of the time counts as all the time.  In between this black and white is easier thought and F&ck came the bridge thought.  Oh...isn't that exactly what I was upset about when I was on the receiving end of that behavior from someone who used to be important to me....oh is that what it feels like....oh is that why said person did that?  Oh ok.  Fuck.  I hate when these thoughts come because sometimes I don't want these realizations.  What does it matter anyway?  The last 6 days have just taught me how little life I've lived.  Is there some moon in Jupiter or house in Mercury or however you say it?  It seems like in the past week there have been many difficult things happening to my friends and family.  Crime, death, natural disaster, sickness, possible medical complications, relationships ending all in the past 6 days.  I've learned how little I know and how little life I've lived.  That's what happens when you're paralyzed by fear.  I don't even care who reads that, people in my life now, people from my past.  I can't hide from what is my truth.  Are you thinking jeez this post is too intense?  Well then go read something else.  I'm not writing here to appease you.

Here is what I've learned from all of it.  Renter's insurance is a good thing.  Safety deposit boxes are a good thing as well.  I'm a strong person who some people turn to when they are in crisis.  I can be calm and steady even though I may be nervous.  There is no correlation between being financially successful and emotional healthiness.  I like sending and receiving personal mail.  (I'm praying the US Postal service doesn't go down the tubes in my lifetime.)  Mother Nature doesn't care if you're financially successful.  And probably the most important thing is that when I think about what it would be like to be pregnant and about to deliver as someone in my life is about to do there seem SO many steps in between where I'm at currently and being married and pregnant that I realize how very slow I am still, how I overcomplicate processes, and/or how maybe I'm still making excuses to put off taking life head on.  I mean not that I thought I was running along the path of my life at light speed, but I thought I was moving faster than I have been.  I guess that isn't saying much.  Sometimes it would be nice if people who noticed my movement verbalized it to me, meaning people who I don't pay to notice things like this.  :)

Something good happened as well yesterday.  Something that in my mind could be such a huge opportunity that it completely freaks me out and so other than processing it in therapy and listening to my therapist strongly encourage and push me to take the next steps to meet this opportunity head on I haven't dealt with it today.  Today before I head out for St. Patrick's Day I will make the phone call I need to make to seek the guidance I need to firm up my resume (read: completely revamp) and then put it out into the Universe.  There have been some L of A moments in the last few days I now see.  Weird.

While writing this post I received this email:

The slate's been wiped clean, the past has released its grip, and before you sparkles eternity, yearning for direction. All that lies between you and the life of your dreams is just one teeny, tiny, gentle, little rule. Only one condition, prerequisite, principle that matters.
 
It's not love. It's not God. It's not fate, or luck, or karma. It's not complicated or esoteric, and you needn't sacrifice, plead, or pray to invoke it. It's the only rule that's ever existed, and it's the only one that will ever exist. No reality can exist in its absence. For its mere existence, you are. With its existence, the power, the light, and the way are revealed. It's your purpose to discover it, and it's your destiny to master it. It's the beginning, the middle, and the end. The Alpha and the Omega. The be-all and end-all of every wish, desire, and dream, and you are its keeper.

This caveat of all caveats is that absolutely nothing can be anything until it is first imagined. Thoughts become things, nothing else does. And so, it's the thoughts you choose from here on out that will become the things and events of your life, forevermore. It is written in stone. There's no other way. It's your ticket to anywhere you can dream of. Your passport to abundance, health, and friendships. The key to the palace of your wildest dreams.

Your thoughts, and your thoughts alone, will set you in motion. Your thoughts will yield the inspiration, creativity, and determination you need. Your thoughts will orchestrate the magic and inspire the Universe. Your thoughts will carry you to the finish line if you just keep thinking them. Never give up. Never waiver, doubt, or ask.

Aim high.

That you've even received this Note, that you're able to read it through, means you are so close. So extraordinarily close. The hardest work has been done. The wars have already been waged. The lessons have already been learned. The journey, now, is for home.