All of a sudden I have limits. Who knew. All of a sudden I can tell real quick when I need to take a step back, reassess and when someone is draining me. All of a sudden I see clearly who the energy drainers and who the energy givers are. All of a sudden I inch a little more to the other side. All of a sudden I can't be around others' neediness when it crosses the threshold into a place where they should be seeking professional help. I'm beginning to question whether helping people resolve their personal issues is really something I want to do every day. It would require excellent self-care on my part and clear, firm boundaries. And while I feel a little bad about setting and honoring those boundaries with particular people the overwhelming feeling is that this is the right thing for me to do for myself. If I want something healthier in my life I need to surround myself with people like that and immerse myself in that type of environment. I might be clueless or naive about things, but I'm smart enough to find the resources if I don't know something or to ask for help.

I can't remember when the last time was I felt this way, but I no longer feel the desire to sit in the midst of another person's neediness, the kind of neediness that no one can fill up, no one conversation can reconcile. Those types of voids can only be contained by the individual herself through consistent reflection and action. It is no longer my place and it is no longer my way to hold their hand. If a person is in crisis then of course I will drop everything and be there for them. But ongoing hysterics and revisiting the same old patterns again and again every few weeks and talking to someone till I am blue in the face and she doesn't change anything is something that drains me. I realize how glaring the irony is here. I was that person, I am that person albeit I would like to think a little less (I guess only my friends can attest to whether this is true). I was the woman that my friends talked to over and over about something in particular and it took me years to accept that they were right. I no longer stand in support so to speak of the women in my life that put up with disrespectful, immature, and/or chauvinistic behavior from the men in their lives. Things reach a point where it no longer is about what the man does to the woman, but becomes about how she enables this behavior by staying in the situation, what she is teaching her kids, and why she puts up with such treatment. And now I know none of this is for me to solve. It isn't my business. Everyone must walk their own path to figuring out they sharp edges, rough spots, or what holds them back. I wish I were only referring to one woman in my life, but today I realized without even blinking I could come up with a handful of women I know like this. All these wonderful women have taught me so much with their stories. But I'm turning now to face a different view. I'm looking now to the people in my life who have healthy relationships, who are energy givers, who believe in themselves and are calm and not chaotic. It is time to live another way. This feels like I'm taking a step into the darkness, the unknown, I can't make out where my footing is and I don't know what is going to happen. But I really have to do it. I finally got myself to this spot. It took a long time and a lot of heartache, but I'm finally here. So starting tomorrow I will take the first step in this new stage. I used to be so embarrassed, so judgmental of who I was and where I was at in my life and given certain company that rears its ugly head still, but I'm a little more comfortable in my own skin now.