This post has been a few weeks in the making:

I find therapy to be a deeply moving, gorgeous, awe-inspiring, and at times painful experience.  Over the last few weeks after I leave my weekly appointment in the Village I go to my favorite coffee shop and sometimes falafel place.  It takes me back to a space that used to be loaded with memories of another time.  And now as I walk those streets I no longer feel any of that.  Instead I feel a sense of self-worth, a gratitude for the direction my life has taken.  I quietly whisper inside a Thank you to God, The Universe...whatever you call it for what I've gone through.

Every week for the last few weeks I walk by Le Petit Puppy and stop and allow my heart to fill up and run over with love for all the cute dogs in the window.  I think about all the things I wanted in my life back then (like a dog) and how if I had continued on that path I would have never unlocked those doors that existed even then in my heart or explored what was behind them.  Could I have?  Sure, but most likely given that trajectory and the people who influenced my life back then I wouldn't have.  They weren't very supportive of the things that excited me.  So I am thankful today that I am now in a place where I am unlocking those doors inside me on my own and exploring and incorporating those things into my life.  I'm building the life I want around me, not the life based on what my parents or a romantic partner may feel is best.

As I'm seeking to open up and explore those spaces deep within I pay special attention to the ones that still catch me, that still are not fully free.  I have to say while I am thankful for where I am, I am not thankful and will no day soon thank the individual/s in my life whose letting go of me allowed me to arrive at today.  I cannot show gratitude, utter thank you or a "you did the right thing" to persons who treated me despicably or caused me such pain, who did not treat my heart with the respect it deserved.  Some of the painful aftermath could have been avoided had people been mature in how they handled those situations.  Once in a rare while I look up still and feel a tiny bit shocked at how events transpired, at how you can be so close and dedicated to someone one day and then so alienated and disrespected by them later.  And in writing all this I just realized maybe this is also supposed to teach me how it feels to be on the receiving end of someone cutting you out of his/her life bluntly and then being selfish and regarding only his/her needs and wants.  The last few years in New York seemed to be filled with a few significant individuals in my life who were emotionally incapable of dealing with romantic relationships or friendships in a mature manner.  Today I'm writing here to say that this part of my life is over.  It is time to return to dating quality men like I used to when I was younger, men with integrity.  It is time for something new. 

Little by little I've been cutting away the fat as they say from my life.  My apartment, my relationships, my health, my finances, my therapy...things are changing for the better.  There is a part of me that remains scared to say that, scared I will jinx something, but real power comes from something not based in luck I imagine.

The next big areas I'm going to tackle are my professional life and my love life.  I've been asked out on a few dates lately, but haven't gone out of a lack of interest/excitement in the men and fear.  And the men that I do find interesting either don't ask me out or clearly aren't interested in me.  I recognize though that I'm trying little by little and opening myself up in new ways.