Limiting beliefs

I went to sleep before midnight last night.  Miracles do happen apparently.  And now I'm up and awake again.  I don't know what this sleeping in shifts business is about.  I suspect this is some part of me--my unconscious, sub-conscious--trying to sabotage me getting back to a normal schedule where I sleep at night and work during the day.  I haven't had that consistently for more than a few weeks in the last few years and something within me fights it.  I think I feel like I've started to literally crash up against myself.  I'm a stubborn person.  One of my limiting beliefs is I'm difficult.  I am very particular (or discerning if I want to put a "positive" spin on it) about who I take my advice from.  I interviewed at least 8 people (maybe more...I can't remember more than 8 women off the top of my head) before choosing a coach.  I ditched the first therapist I had after moving to New York.  As I told her this was our last session years ago she told me I want you to think about how you're just cutting off our work together so abruptly.  I don't remember how I responded, but I knew she wasn't for me.  Any woman who is close to my age and tells me to imagine my 7 year old self sitting in front of me and asks me what I would want to say to my 7 year old self despite my telling her I find this hokey and am not doing it is not the therapist for me.  (On a similar but side note, just as any man who tells me volunteering is not worth it cause time is money is not for me.)  Another limiting belief of mine is I'm not an easy person to deal with.  (I went back and reread this post after publishing it and realize this limiting belief is the same as the I'm difficult one above, but I'll leave it in.)  And I wonder how this is playing out in my relationship in class with my partners.  Sometimes I feel like I'm doing all this self-exploration in therapy and coaching and I suspect some of the other people in class aren't in the same way and why do they hold it together and not end up 2 months into class writing long posts expressing their lack of satisfaction.  Why was I not born with or how did I never develop that buffer that is SO important I think to getting along in life?  

I'm so very tired of hearing people's excuses and rationalizations for why they aren't doing or rather why they are doing what they are doing in their lives (after all, every action...even no action is a choice we make).  I have zero patience anymore for it.  I can hear it when I'm making an excuse to a friend about why I didn't do such and such thing and I don't like it.  At the end of the day I suspect it is all rather simple.  If you want a relationship, to buy a home, to get married, to have a baby, to change careers, to improve your relationship with your parents/friends/siblings/spouse/kids/pets, or to move abroad, just do it.  Make a plan for yourself and do it.  I always think figuring out one's motivations is important, identifying what currently keeps you from said goal, outlining a plan, brainstorming with friends/family/therapist/coach/religious leader on this plan to get feedback from those you trust, and then executing.  Execution will show you what in the plan is working and not working, then you readjust, pick up and continue on.  I suspect (of course barring for other circumstances such as children, spouse, lack of financial ability, etc....not small things obviously....serious considerations) that this is really how simple it is.  And this coming from the woman who in the last week stated how complicated I've always felt my life is.  

I notice now how I'm changing.  Where in the past I would complain about someone and be stuck in that complaining when I do that now I think to myself I'm doing this instead of dealing with it or I'm just feeling angry or upset and at times being a little irrational about the situation...this isn't a big deal.  I know another limiting belief of mine is that I don't seriously date anymore because I believe I will get into a relationship and become a dependent woman whose self-esteem is wrapped up in the man and the relationship and I will forget about myself and become very insecure.  This is how it has usually been in my past history and I'm a little too scared now to dip my toe in the water.  The last time around I was blind and it took me a long time and a lot of pain to see the reality of who the other person was and the situation.

Does anyone else go through hitting these walls of themselves because I feel like I don't see this in others?  Why does it feel like I'm the only person trying to conquer and change a number of things in my life while others around me talk about work, family, spouse, kids, etc.?  And why does it feel like when I'm talking to certain people who are asking about my life in explaining what I'm struggling with I sound a lot more complicated than they understand?  Don't people think about their lives deeply?  Is this saying that I am overcomplicating things?  And is the "ignorance is bliss" perspective or stopping your exploration at a particular level better?  If I know I'm not the only person working on themselves then why is it that I seem to be the one having such a hard time with it when I think I'm pretty honest with myself?  (Even about the scariest things that I don't talk about here as they are really personal...in my head the internal monologue goes something like...this class Samosas is not a big deal...you're doing it...you're showing up every week for the calls.  Why aren't you doing a, b, c?  Why aren't you pushing yourself in this way and that way?  You know exactly what you could be doing to get more out of the class even if you wish the experience were different, you know you could get something out of it so let's do it.  You've already gotten through 25% of it, only 6 more months to go.  You're allowing your frustrations with this class to expand into your entire life.  It isn't a serious issue.  The more serious things are a, b, c...things I feel are too personal to talk about here at this moment.)  But people don't discuss these fears I think.  In my experience it takes a specific mix for people to talk...really close friendships, support groups, a weekend away with girlfriends.  Just like in this country I feel like the discussion about the realities of motherhood and pregnancy are only discussed behind closed doors and in public everyone is all smiles and telling you how great it is.  Some of my close friends aren't seeking community.  I am.  Clearly.  Hence my ongoing frustrations I used to express here about my friends.  I realize now that our goals are different.  I find it interesting that the woman who I feel the closest to and who I feel is the most supportive of me lives 2842 miles away from me and has a life full of completely different circumstances than my own.  Today I was thinking about how the two women in this city that I see as my closest friends are women whose priorities in how they run their lives leave little room for the type of community feel I'm seeking here.  This is by no means any judgment or diss on them.  In the past I would have felt slighted, but now I don't.  They are beautiful and wonderful women and I care for them deeply, but to say I feel any sense of community from them in our daily NY lives would be untrue.  

Last week during my coaching session my coach said to me that people are too busy in their lives to see anyone else, and much less to take the time to reflect on how another person (in this case me) may be going through a challenging time.  I responded telling her I think that is fucking lame.  Yes, I actually said that.  She knew I was just being honest and possibly there is much for me to learn in this area, but I still believe what I said last week...this is fucking lame.  And this is now how I want to live my life.  I am not perfect, but I think with some people I remember when someone has a doctor's visit that was stressing them out, or a job interview, or a tough conversation with a partner, etc. and follow up to give support or see how it went.  Do I do it always?  Nope.  But I do it a lot more than the people around me do it for me I still believe.  Sometimes I just snap like last night where I continually set a boundary with a friend and she continually kept ignoring it.  So I told her something I have been feeling for a long time very bluntly and she wanted more information and she wanted me to answer this question about her life and that question and I just couldn't do it.  NONE of this was about me.  This was all her own stuff she needs to work through and I AM NOT her therapist.  So I encouraged her to make an appointment with her therapist repeatedly and heard excuse after excuse and I just couldn't take it.  And I finally disengaged from the conversation and now have set an even stricter boundary with her because I have very little these days to give certain people.  The energy givers I can be with.  The energy drainers, the self absorbees, the bitters, the negative naysayers are all falling to the wayside.  My spirit just cannot take them anymore.  Am I unwilling to work through these things with them?  I'm a little willing, but I won't initiate this undertaking cause that is what it always is...a MAJOR undertaking.  But usually they don't initiate working through anything for reasons unknown to me and not worth racking my brain at this late hour about.  Or as I've experienced recently they talk about me behind my back to people about their issues with me and when they see me they cannot have an earnest conversation about any of it.  Instead they avoid the issues altogether or try to put me down jokingly.  Next.  Done.  Over.  I have no time in my life anymore for this immature bullshit.  Because that is all it is.  Immaturity and BS.  They want to live their lives that way...all the power to them.  But I will not allow them to pull me into their crap.  Even amidst my struggles, my backtracking, days without any movement it feels like, screw-ups and missteps, lots of tears, overall I'm getting cleaner internally and I'm in a better place than I was 3 months ago, a year ago, 2 years ago, etc.  If you can't meet me in this space I'm in to celebrate my successes and me yours, to be supportive and receive support from me, to have fun and laugh then please go away.  You are not needed in my life.

I think I'm scared that I might be bad at this coaching thing.  Maybe I place myself above people to keep myself safe?  I have not been satisfied or excited about any educational experience I've had in the last 8 years (NYU graduate school, NYU Continuing Ed, The New School, and now this class).  Obviously the common thread in all these experiences is me so I have to figure out why.  I always place myself above everyone and then complain incessantly about this or that in class.  The process here has been similar, but I know is changing too.  I see it in myself.  I was never as smart as the people I was surrounded by in college.  Or when I was capable my lack of confidence and anxiety or feeling isolated really got in the way of me working up to my full potential.  I usually just got done what I could...having done some of the reading and having usually only the night separating me and the deadline.  Sometimes I didn't even do that much.  A friend who is older and another younger said to me in the last year how they don't understand blogging and they think people are too open about their lives nowadays.  This thought just occurred to me and I thought I've fought for so long to hear my own voice, to believe in it and my right to have it and express it that I can never go back now and hide in the rabbit hole again.  Sometimes that is what this class, the Indian community, daily society feels like to me.  Everyone puts on their good girl face or most women are just good girls so to speak and no one can ever admit there are cracks in the veneer.  Leonard Cohen sings in Anthem "Ring the bells that still can ring.  Forget your perfect offering.  There is a crack in everything.  That's how the light gets in."

I've come to remind myself of something in the past week.  Although I have yet to find a community (or tribe as is the term in class) in this class I have SO MANY...what is the word...leads, seeds, saplings of community around me.  I just have to follow them, engage with them and try.  There are wonderful blogs on my blogroll that intrigue me.  There are two specific women whose writing intrigues the fear part of me in a good way.  They both live abroad, but one is actually coming to New York soon to conduct a workshop.  And there are bloggers whose words I read, who I communicate with and feel a connection to and I know I will meet some of them starting in the next few months.  (Why...why can't I feel this way when I read or hear what my classmates or instructors say in class?)  There are a number of Meetup groups whose activities populate my iCal automatically; I just have to go and check them out.  There are some wonderful people on my Facebook page whose coaching work offers some unique opportunities that I could engage in.  And there are a number of organizations in New York that I've been following whose events I can attend.  Truth is if I had to make a vision board or just write a list of all the things that I've wanted to do but haven't done yet it would be a pretty good starting place for imbuing my life with joy and connecting me deeper with myself through the things I love to do.

Good stuff happening...

I keep keeping on today despite my bad lower back pain.  I'm feeling a little determined to not allow this pain to ruin my getting things done today and I'm determined not to respond as usual by just letting the day get away from me and stewing in my physical discomfort.  I have some exciting news to report.  Well, come to think of it you may not think it is exciting, but it is exciting to me.  

1.  I have a doctor's appointment this week just to get my annual check up.  Well, it is convenient that I made this appointment weeks ago cause now I can talk to her about my back pain.  But I'm really glad that I finally made an appt. with the doctor for a regular check up and am getting more conscious about taking care of my health.

2.  I went and bought patches, creams, etc. for my back and have been using them.  In addition, I've been taking medicine to counteract the pain.  This makes me happy because in the past I've been slow to respond or do anything and I just whined about it and didn't do much to help it go away faster.  What a bad sentence that was.  Too tired to change it now.

3.  In the last three days I've been eating tons of bok choy and plums and tomatoes.  Yes, I got my Basis delivery of fruits and veggies.  Have to figure out what I'm cooking for dinner tonight.  I've also been eating some bad stuff like Munchos, Ruffles, and Milano cookies.  What?!  Change takes awhile.  :)

4.  When I reached out to my partners in class asking for their thoughts on whether we ought to be working together more as this is what the instructors recommend every week I never heard back as I think the partners were both away for a few days.  So I tried again instead of getting mad and giving up. They responded and we had a call this week.  To be honest it was just ok.  I think they are wonderful, nice, smart women.  But I just don't click with them.  I continue to be disappointed by this.  At one point I mentioned that I am thinking of not becoming a coach anymore and one responded saying I sound "discouraged."  Duh.  And yet there were no words of encouragement given.  That is fine because I get that from other places.  But I know that were the roles reversed I would have given that encouragement to them because when they have been discouraged I have always made it a point to step up and provide support.  And I've even followed that support up with an email after.  So maybe something about me turns them off, maybe I'm too harsh or blunt for them, or too critical about class, but frankly I like my style a lot more than their style.  One of the other partners told us something which clearly sounds like a conflict of interest and we pointed that out to her in a joking manner and started laughing.  She seemed to get instantly defensive.  I thought later about emailing her to make sure she wasn't offended by our responses, but then I realized I would just be doing that to be nice, not because I truly cared so I decided against it.  Why feed into her hypersensitiveness?  If she has an issue she can raise it with me.  She has shown in the past she struggles to raise things and I have had to raise them for her.  Screw that.  That is her business, I have my own business to work on.

5.  Finally burned my first DVD of home movies and gave it to my parents.

6.  Have decided to stay in my current apartment and renew my lease.  Now just have to get the guts to ask for some of the changes I want made to the apartment.

7.  Realized today while thinking about where I was when I started working with my therapist and where I am/we are today in our work together.  I wonder why more people don't go to therapy.

8.  Slowly pushing myself little by little to reorganize my place.  

9.  Opening up more and more about the real fears and anxieties I have.  I think this is the way to walk through them and leave them behind me.

10.  3 friends of mine in the last week told me they think I'm going to be a good coach.  We weren't talking about coaching, I didn't ask them for feedback, they just randomly said it to me in the middle of a conversation about other topics.  Unbeknownst to them for the last two weeks I've started to think that maybe I'm not going to be a coach professionally as my experiences in class have been disappointing and frustrating so it was interesting to hear this from them.

A list of good things...

A lot of great things have been happening in recent weeks...even amidst my ongoing struggle with the lack of excellence presented by the instructors in my class I think the way to get me out of concentrating on that is to make a list of all the awesome things that have been going on.

1.  A week ago while going to get my laundry I ran into my super.  Some background:  My super is GREAT, really and truly great.  He is one of the reasons always cited by residents in this building of what we appreciate about living here.  Whenever I need something or ask a question he is readily available to help and asks nothing in return.  His background is actually academically and professionally musical.  He is a composer.  We talked about this last year while he was fixing something in my apartment.  So while I was putting my laundry in the dryer last week he came into the laundry room to talk to me.  I had asked last year to hear some of the pieces he composed and then we both forgot about it.  Well, he came in to tell me he had remembered that I asked and he had failed to follow up and he gave me a brand new cd with some of his compositions!  I'm listening to it now as I write these words.  As I walked back up to my apartment that day and considered this interaction I thought about how amazingly rich and diverse people's life stories are.  I thought about friends I have that only interact really with their own kind:  only doctors, only lawyers, only financiers, only people of a certain income bracket and status.  As I move away from who I think I "should" be and move towards what feels good I find that I don't want to be like those people.  Even though once in a while it does complicate situations to bring together people of different income levels, or I feel disappointed by my friends who don't utilize these situations to meet new people but stick solely to the people they know or people of their own race or income level.  Personally I don't care much for their reactions.  I see value in people not based solely on one factor like income, racial background, job, where they live.  I see the value in people based on their stories or more apropos the range and diversity of their specific experiences and story.

2.  I finally used my new Sonic care toothbrush.  A generous friend gifted this to me and I've been meaning to use it for months and hadn't started until tonight.  My teeth feel clean.

3.  I went to the eye doctor finally on Monday and was seen by a number of people.  Once I return there next week and get my contact lens prescription I'm not returning there again...not a fan of these fancy pants factory practices.  The doctor who owns the practice lacks any type of empathy or bedside manner.  Also, the secretary tried to charge me an extra $100 based on an error by one of the doctors.  I asked repeatedly how much the fee was and then finally picked up my guts and asked why it was so high as I had called prior to coming in and was quoted another price.  Turns out I was right and the woman I spoke to prior to coming in had made a note in my chart quoting the price she had given me.  Glad I advocated for myself and that I took care of my eyes and got new contact lenses.

4.  I went to the doctor on Tuesday to get my blood drawn.  As the appointment was in the evening the lab was closed, but I had a long talk with the internist and we scheduled an appointment in the next few weeks for me to get a full check-up.  I have to return in the next few days to get my blood drawn.  I'm glad I'm getting more conscious of taking care of my health.

5.  As I left the doctor's office and headed west towards the subway I heard what I thought was Indian music blaring loudly and it sounded like it was being played live.  I stopped, turned around and walked towards the music.  It led me to Union Square and into the middle of a sea of brown people.  I ended up in the middle of this...The New York Sufi Music Festival sponsored by the Pakistani Peace Builders Initiative.  Abida Parveen was performing.  I didn't know the first few songs, but as soon as Mast Qalandar started everyone started clapping and dancing.  It was wonderful and moving and I remained struck by the odd coincidence of it all as I had just returned from a trip in which a new friend and I spent time discussing spirituality, religion, and devotional music.

6.  After the concert I decided to get some South Indian food.  On the way home from dinner instead of taking the train I walked the 50 blocks home.  On the way I turned down 30th street and happened to pass by the NY Open Center's new location.  Given all the spiritual talk over the last few days it was weird for me to stumble across their new venue so I went in and perused their bookstore.  Once in a while they used to have some interesting things happening at their old Soho location.  

7.  I stood up for myself and contacted the instructor from class who didn't handle things in a manner that I appreciated last week.  She responded sans apology and tried to coach me through my feelings by asking me the most generic and elementary questions possible.  Next!  Thank goodness I only have two more classes taught by her.  Our styles do not mix well together.  I won't allow another person's ego to interrupt and impact my learning or excitement for this material.

8.  Went on a wonderful road trip to Ithaca with friends where we rented a house, hiked, and swam in waterfalls.  It was really awesome.  I'm so glad I went.  It was beautiful and a chance for me to stretch myself in many ways.  I'm also SUPER thankful that a new friend of mine made the wise decision not to inform of me of all the snakes she saw while we were hiking as she knew this would scare me.  We swam and sat on the top of a waterfall that must have had a 30 foot drop.  We hiked, we slid down a shorter waterfall.  We shared goofy stories, sang at the top of our lungs, opened up our hearts and talked about personal things and laughed and some at times teared up.  It was a very moving trip and it made me believe in the power of community, that it does exist in a stronger way than I feel in my daily life and that people can hold differing experiences, express them and still coexist in a supportive manner.

9.  I continued the opportunity to speak openly with my therapist about the things I miss in our therapeutic relationship.  This may sound easy, but it wasn't because it involved me sharing more information about certain ways I see and judge her based on what I know.  But I think the frustrating experiences I'm having in class are breaking open and strengthening my relationship with her and I think that is a very good thing.

9.  I feel really validated by my coach regarding my feelings/frustrations towards my class and in terms of what/who I'm seeking to surround myself with in my life.

10.  I received a gift certificate Monday morning to one of my favorite stores from someone as a thank you for helping them.  It was a very generous gesture and a nice surprise!

What is something great that has happened in your life recently?

What I seek

(Photo I took at the Shepard Fairey exhibit in NYC in May 2010)

If I tried to put into words what I'm seeking it would sound trite and cliche and I've expressed it here before in many different forms.  What I'm seeking is something intangible, a feeling that once felt will affirm that I have found my home, a home that I built on my own.  This home isn't found in a romantic partner, in my friends, in my work, in my apartment.  This home is found in myself.  I sit at my own altar giving darshan to myself.  I am not equating myself in some arrogant manner to a deity, although it can be argued that each  human being is a spiritual presence here on Earth and a teacher in his or her own right.  I am merely saying that I see myself and am seen by myself, I show up across from myself and sit in my own presence, I bless myself and am blessed by me, I respect myself and learn from the teacher within me.  

I find nowadays I am tired of externally processing things; I wear myself out from doing this.  And I find I am also tired of others externally processing things with me as well, at least those who are just turning and turning the Rubik's Cube that is life over and over, but never making a move and shifting the tiles to create a new design.  In coaching we talk about "leaning into" that which feels good and thus away from that which does not feel good.  What I'm seeking feels greater than just this.  It feels like a complete jump to something different.  What I'm seeking is a conversation at a deeper level with my friends, my family.  What I'm seeking is work that stirs something profound with me.  What I'm seeking is to live in the place of magic that life showcases to us each day.  What I'm seeking is a sense of real community not divided by racial make-up, religious ideals, financial constraints, or professional titles.  I do believe this exists and experienced some of this during my trip to Ithaca in the past week.  The way I see it is I can sit and maintain position in the place of "buts" or "why" or "how could they" or "what do they think of me" and continue to twiddle my thumbs or listen to others who are currently at that place or I could just continue moving and doing.  

I have no interest in being anyone's lifeline and clearly there are people in my life who it feels like utilize the space I hold for them like that.  These people are rarely the people I long to be around and spend tons of time with.  That says something to me.  Today I don't care so much and feel less bothered by others in my life not understanding or checking in to support me on how my life coach training program is going.  I'm keeping tabs on myself and following up with me and right now that is enough.  

This afternoon I had a powerful therapy session, powerful due to the candid conversation we had about our working relationship, what was missing and how we each viewed it.  And as I made my way home I  held the feeling of that conversation close to me.  What I'm seeking is starting to show up in my life.  My coach would say it has been showing up in my life for some time now whether I believe it or not.  

I guess I am able to put into some words what I seek.

What are you seeking? 

A list that needed to be written

I'm really tired and I think my body is spent on my lack of sleep last night, the emotional highs from today's events, and all the vegetables and fruits I've been putting inside it lately and just needs rest.  But it is important to me...for me that I record something in this space.  As it is after 3am it will just have to be a list of the bare essentials.  Thank you to the 2.5 blog readers I currently have who email me saying they enjoy my lists.

1.  Took my guts, instinct, intuition and moved forward on a major decision today.  I wanted to write about it in this space, but an interaction with a nosy extended family member who continually pushed and pushed to try to get me to tell her what the decision was has honestly made me grab a tighter hold of it and want to pull it back safe into my shell and protect and keep this dream so to speak quiet.  It isn't a big deal to most people probably, but I hold this decision and what it represents to me in great value.  As my blog is a public blog and technically anyone could find it (meaning nosy, gossipy extended family members) I'm going to keep mum right now in this space.  The important thing to know is that I made a decision which is movement forward for me.  GO ME!

2.  I picked up my first Basis delivery today.  So far I have been enjoying the foods I've eaten and think it is a good deal.  Clearly they are still working out some of the small kinks, but everyone I've talked to there has been really nice and helpful.  In the last 8 hours I've put apples, blueberries, rice, and kale into my tummy.  How healthy of me.

3.  There was something that was bugging me a tiny bit with a close friend, but debated whether to even raise it with her.  Instead I framed it as why is this bothering me so much?  What is it about this situation that is activating a reaction or thinking about it?  And when I heard from the friend I just raised it in what I think was a casual way.  I listened to what the friend had to say and took it in without any judgment or anger.  (In the past I think those things would have been there.  Just in writing that last sentence the thought occurred to me "God I am changing.  Who will I be without my judgment and anger?"  Hmmm...very interesting thought!)  And then I moved on with the conversation.  My friend was gracious and generous in her concern and this little thing became a non-issue.  I sorta think this is a little bit of a big deal for me for some reason.

4.  I am really taking my parents for granted right now and a lot lately.....avoiding all the incessant conversations and questions they have with me about finding a steady job in a traditional setting and how I need to find a man and get married.  This HAS to change.  Life is so random that I can't miss out on my chance to have experiences and strengthen my relationship with them.

5.  Because of #1 I have to read 3 books in the next 8 days and then do a long and very introspective writing assignment.  I've become such a slow reader that this is making me a little worried, but overall I think I will be okay somehow.

6.  I took the information I had in #1 and only shared it with specific people in my life.  This is the first step in that journey and it took a long time to get to this place so for the first few months I feel I need to hold this sacred and only share it with those people who are supportive and respectful of me.  The naysayers can wait on the other side of the door right now.  This safe place is not open for business (or their criticisms and judgments) right now.

7.  Daily I see how many free resources and information there is online to start your own business, change your life, overcome one's depression or struggle with something.  This is something I really want to take advantage of.  Speaking of this I just received an email from a friend about Justice at Harvard.  The video on the home page is totally worth checking out.  I'm excited to watch the episodes.

8.  I've started using iCal to keep my schedule, the To Do list that I refer to, loading my photos and videos on my new computer and cleaning out my huge inbox.  Almost halfway done!

9.  I don't know why, but I continue to be drawn to and purchase clothes from these outdoorsy type stores like Patagonia.  Hmm....  (French Fry is now going to email me and continue her campaign for me to move to Seattle!)

10.  Have been setting limits with people who are draining me.  The more I set the limit for one, the more that person continues to reach out.  I don't get it, but I'm standing my ground.  The most important thing in this situation is me respecting my boundaries and my need at this time to be around positive people who don't project their personal baggage onto me.

11.  I posted a question on Facebook yesterday asking people for examples of times when making a major decision involved taking a big leap of faith in themselves and the world around them and received 4 honest, detailed, gorgeous responses.  Whenever I've been really down one of the things I think of that even I can't devalue or talk myself out of are all the wonderful friends I have in my life.  Some go all the way back to childhood, others I've only known virtually through their blog writings and through Facebook, and still others were strangers until Craigslist/college/something united us.  The outpouring of support I received today made me feel good because I felt that the people I had shared my good news with honored it with the respect and esteem I was holding it in.  And in the same extent I also feel like for the first time in a long time I wasn't thirsty for this, I didn't NEED anyone's affirmation.  I just wanted to tell people because I was really excited about things.  I think this is a little step in a different direction.

12.  For the past week I've started writing down the lessons I'm learning as well as my dreams and topics for my own personal work.  It seems to be getting easier the more I continually make it a habit to use writing as a way to process things, but once in a while I do get lazy and tired and don't do it.

13.  For the last week I have no idea why, but when I start to fade into sleep I continually have this image of me holding a baby against my chest.  I don't consciously go there and think of this.  It just pops up from time to time.  Hmm...what is that about?

"Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."

I love my coach.  It is amazing to me the difference when I come to a call with her emotionally organized so to speak.  I don't just talk and talk with no structure.  I say what I need to say in a compact manner, sharing the information that is essential rather than all the little annoyances that are not important.  And she asks me questions or gives me feedback in a way that is direct and to the point.  I sometimes feel like I shouldn't talk about my work with her in front of others, but I'm no longer going to limit myself because of another.  Writing this makes me think of that Marianne Williamson quote. (Don't run away because of the "child of God" or "glory of God" parts.  You don't have to be religious or believe in God for this quote to strike something in you.)  "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."  This so resonates with me.  I don't fully know why it is that some of us are afraid of success, power, the ability to make things happen, but I know that when I read this quote it settles somewhere inside of me.  If it wasn't so voluminous I would make it art on one of the walls in my apt.  "If you build it they will come"...the famous line from The Field of Dreams...and the Zen proverb "When the pupil is ready to learn, a teacher will appear."  I'm ready and there are a bounty of teachers in my life.

Here's what's been happening...

I had a busy weekend.  Friday I met up with an old friend from college I hadn't seen in over  a decade.   I even wore a dress!  (I heard your gasp.)  We went to Schiller's Liquor Bar where the decibel level is so high you have to wonder if people go there specifically not to hear what the person sitting across from them is saying.  Normally I love the steak frites here, but I think our waitress in her overwhelmed state put in the wrong order for how I wanted it made and it wasn't that great which sucked because that was a part of the reason I chose that place.  I don't think I'm going back there any time soon.  Saturday I spent the afternoon at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden for the Hanami.  I have always wanted to go here, so it was nice to finally check it out.  I had fun with my friends and our cameras.   I've posted some of the images above.  Saturday night I was excited to eat at the new addition to the David Chang Momofuku empire: Má Pêche.  The main dining room is still not open for business, but they are serving in the bar area.  I wanted to love their cocktails, but as I'm not a big drinker the ca plane pour moi (macchu pisco, pear william, aperol, maraschino, lime juice) was lost on me.  However, my friends who like to drink loved their drinks.  I will go back there to order the Calamansi lemonade which was yummy.  We had the moules bouchot au bia (mussels, crab paste, beer)....they were huge but I wasn't in love with them.  Next was the ôc sên sauvage (wild burgundy snails, pork sausage, garlic, tarragon) which I really didn't appreciate as I'm not in love with pork the way one ought to be to eat at a David Chang restaurant.  The côtelletes de porc (pork ribs, lemongrass caramel) were something I would consider ordering again.  I know, I know...this is blasphemy that I do not show pork the reverence that Chang and Anthony Bourdain do.  I did love the chou-fleur chiên (fried cauliflower, curry, mint, fish sauce) which was airy and amazing.  And I liked their version of steak frites which included rice fries which tasted like popcorn.  There is a second location of Milk Bar opening here as well.  When we asked to order dessert all they could offer us was the cheese plate which we didn't want.  But when we were leaving they very quietly whispered to us that the four wrapped cookies at the front entrance were for us.  That was really sweet of them.  I wasn't a big fan of the cookies though cause I don't think adding tons of sugar to something makes it better.  Next I went to meet up with a new friend at The Modern.  I made a conscious decision that night that I wasn't going to skip meeting up with this new acquaintance to appease my dinner party which is something I would have done in the past.  I have a clearly defined goal of meeting new people and making new friends and I'm not going to let other people's issues mar that.  Sunday I spent the afternoon and late into the evening helping friends unpack and set up their new apartment.  I came home feeling grateful for my life.

The good news is that I've spent more time being than thinking which is a good place for me to be.  I received some really good health news on Monday which completely made my day.  And then I insisted to a good friend of mine that I come to see her to surprise her with all these nice dresses I had taken from another friend of mine who was donating them to the Salvation Army.  I've come to find every day when I do something nice for someone it makes me feel good.  Monday night I sat down and started revamping my resume.  This is such a big deal that the fact that I was able to sit and do this for more than 15 minutes is pretty monumental.  I finished it up on Tuesday and took it to my therapy appointment to show that I had met a goal that we had established.   It is very important for me at this stage to have people I can share these successes with.  And what I realized yet again this week is that there are few people I interact with on a daily basis that I can do that with.  The people I interact with online daily tend not to be effusive in the way that I want someone to be about these kinds of steps that are a big deal for me.  For the most part I think I tend to be like this for them, but I don't receive it in return in the way I desire.  I take that back a little bit...French Fry is like this...she understands how big a deal this is and I love her for taking the time to acknowledge and celebrate this with me.  But she is also one of 4 women who are like this with me...one of 4 women who either don't live in the same state as me or they do but we don't interact on a daily basis.  I also went running Tuesday morning...by this I mean I ran for 3 minutes in Central Park and then decided to go get a latte and croissant.  :)  This running thing just isn't catching on.  Ugh.  Last night I went to Ali Baba for Turkish food.  It was yummy! 

So amidst all these activities some things have happened that have pissed me off or annoyed me.  I've come to experience in the last few days that when you are getting to a place of balance and equilibrium you have to guard it quite closely.  Maintaining the newly found balance you're trying to achieve involves being able to set limits with not just yourself and your own bad habits, but with others and their issues/habits/needs.  So one of the new limits I'm setting for myself is that I'm no longer taking any phone calls from my friends after midnight unless it is an emergency.  My sleep schedule is now regulated and when that is challenged (as it has been recently) I feel resentful and unhappy because nothing that needs to be discussed in that late-night phone call is urgent enough that it can't be discussed the next day at a regular hour.  I resent having to get less sleep or screw up the following day of my life to satiate another person's anxiety.  I'm also tired of men that are all about themselves.   I asked for men with integrity to show up and they have and that is wonderful.  But now it is time for men to show up in my life that aren't all about themselves.  Most of the men in my life who call me spend the majority of the conversation talking all about their lives...they have a need to be heard or they need their anxiety assuaged or they are just emotionally selfish people maybe.  I personally don't know, but I also personally don't care.  Next!  I've come to think that more than one person in my life may possibly utilize my friendship with him/her as a place to talk about things/belabor things/workout things in his/her life that should be done with a therapist/coach/religious leader/etc.  It is one thing to bounce things off a friend, but when your friend is the only place you go to discuss this over and over again...I'm starting to resent that.  And I finally realize why.  When I became aware that something was wrong and I needed a place to talk about it outside of my family and friends I took the initiative and went and found a place to discuss these things.  This wasn't something that was supported in my culture, family, etc., but I did it anyway for myself.  And I was young when I did this...we're not talking I was an adult in NYC doing this.  If I was able to take this step back then I believe anyone can do this.  I also believe it is an individual's responsibility to take care of his/her emotional health.  I know people who take care of their financial health, their professional lives, and yet these people do not put the same level of effort into their emotional health.  They have been "thinking" about finding a therapist/coach for a while and don't seem to ever actually do it or they just choose not to really dig in and work on the recurring issue in their life that they continually want to discuss with me.  So enough.  It is not my job to forgo my priorities and goals and put off attaining them to help these people.  I've come to find that I can tell when I'm overextending myself with people and from now on I'm consciously going to stop doing this.  

In the last week I've come to understand that the people in my life that I most adore are all people who are just as generous with their time and efforts with me as I am to others.  These are the relationships that I want to continue to cultivate and pour my attention into.  This whole process of shedding and starting anew is continual.  I've identified that I have no space in my life anymore for direly insecure and/or self-absorbed men.  Those relationships require me to manage them as I have a tendency to want to help and then I feel drained and resentful.  Old pattern that repeats itself...time to break it.

This post has been a few weeks in the making:

I find therapy to be a deeply moving, gorgeous, awe-inspiring, and at times painful experience.  Over the last few weeks after I leave my weekly appointment in the Village I go to my favorite coffee shop and sometimes falafel place.  It takes me back to a space that used to be loaded with memories of another time.  And now as I walk those streets I no longer feel any of that.  Instead I feel a sense of self-worth, a gratitude for the direction my life has taken.  I quietly whisper inside a Thank you to God, The Universe...whatever you call it for what I've gone through.

Every week for the last few weeks I walk by Le Petit Puppy and stop and allow my heart to fill up and run over with love for all the cute dogs in the window.  I think about all the things I wanted in my life back then (like a dog) and how if I had continued on that path I would have never unlocked those doors that existed even then in my heart or explored what was behind them.  Could I have?  Sure, but most likely given that trajectory and the people who influenced my life back then I wouldn't have.  They weren't very supportive of the things that excited me.  So I am thankful today that I am now in a place where I am unlocking those doors inside me on my own and exploring and incorporating those things into my life.  I'm building the life I want around me, not the life based on what my parents or a romantic partner may feel is best.

As I'm seeking to open up and explore those spaces deep within I pay special attention to the ones that still catch me, that still are not fully free.  I have to say while I am thankful for where I am, I am not thankful and will no day soon thank the individual/s in my life whose letting go of me allowed me to arrive at today.  I cannot show gratitude, utter thank you or a "you did the right thing" to persons who treated me despicably or caused me such pain, who did not treat my heart with the respect it deserved.  Some of the painful aftermath could have been avoided had people been mature in how they handled those situations.  Once in a rare while I look up still and feel a tiny bit shocked at how events transpired, at how you can be so close and dedicated to someone one day and then so alienated and disrespected by them later.  And in writing all this I just realized maybe this is also supposed to teach me how it feels to be on the receiving end of someone cutting you out of his/her life bluntly and then being selfish and regarding only his/her needs and wants.  The last few years in New York seemed to be filled with a few significant individuals in my life who were emotionally incapable of dealing with romantic relationships or friendships in a mature manner.  Today I'm writing here to say that this part of my life is over.  It is time to return to dating quality men like I used to when I was younger, men with integrity.  It is time for something new. 

Little by little I've been cutting away the fat as they say from my life.  My apartment, my relationships, my health, my finances, my therapy...things are changing for the better.  There is a part of me that remains scared to say that, scared I will jinx something, but real power comes from something not based in luck I imagine.

The next big areas I'm going to tackle are my professional life and my love life.  I've been asked out on a few dates lately, but haven't gone out of a lack of interest/excitement in the men and fear.  And the men that I do find interesting either don't ask me out or clearly aren't interested in me.  I recognize though that I'm trying little by little and opening myself up in new ways. 

"The best way out is always through." ~Robert Frost

Someone once said to me that as one member of a family system becomes healthier the health of the family system improves overall.

I've been thinking about this sentiment a lot lately while I encourage myself to continue my reorganization, downsizing, and restructuring from my old life to this new one.

Last night I walked out of my apartment with a sense of pride to meet up with a high school acquaintance I haven't seen since high school. And by the time I came home I just felt lonely and dejected. All those thoughts that arise when you compare yourself to others arose in me and I stayed stuck in that funk for most of the day today. So finally I picked myself up and started anew. I continued on my quest and as I look away from the screen right now I can see the physical fruits of my labor. And I think...I'm getting healthier.

Since I can't continue to work exclusively on one area of my life and ignore others while my domicile is in transition I'm starting to put my energies into meeting someone. It is so very easy for me to shy away from this pursuit. I'm comfortable holed up in my apartment, but that isn't the life I want. And it is easier in certain ways to do that than to put myself out there again. As I've touched on before the more I uncover and excavate the more I realize about how naive I am/was and how much knowledge I lack about certain things. Sometimes I look back and wonder how I fumbled my way through things in my life as I did. What I'm thinking about in this process of re-opening the door to new people is how do I come off, how am I perceived by a man, is what I want from a partner realistic, and has the image I have become antiquated since my 20s...meaning as I've grown since then does that image support me anymore? Sometimes it seems like every area of my life is requiring me to let go of my need for control in order to allow for change and something new to happen.

I've very critical of the men that enter my life romantically and right now I believe with good reason...whether or not I will continue to believe that remains to be seen. I am not interested in repeating the mistakes of the past, mine and others. I will not give myself away again to someone who does not respect me. And most importantly I will continue to honor this space I'm creating for myself, my dreams and wishes, my own individuality.

ॐ नमः शिवाय

Lately when I'm dwooling (the word a friend and I made up to express dwelling too much about things in the past) I quietly say Aum Namah Shivaya (Om Namah Shivaya) to myself.  For me this is something that is related to doing aarti growing up and now.  As I don't have any religious/Hindu prayer books with me that talk about this I looked online tonight to remind myself of the translation of this Sanskrit mantra and found the following explanation on a few websites.  It is always important to consider the source of the information so this may only be one translation of this mantra.

"This mantra has no approximate translation. The sounds related directly to the principles which govern each of the first six chakras on the spine...Earth, water, fire, air, ether...A very rough, non-literal translation could be something like, 'Om and salutations to that which I am capable of becoming.'" (source) 

That part that resonated with me is "Om and salutations to that which I am capable of becoming."  This lines up well with the impetus behind why I say it and where I'm headed. 

Last year when I was having a hard time I used to do aarti as a connection to something from my home and family.  In the midst of deep pain lighting agarbati (incense), singing Om Jai Jagdish Hare, and saying the Gayatri Mantra connected me back to my family and their absolute and unconditional love for me.  Before this moment I always thought of their love for me as conditional in terms of what they wanted me to be, but in writing this paragraph and thinking about it I see now how unconditional it is and has always been...that no matter what or where I have gone and how that path has diverged from what they wanted they have always followed me along this journey and loved me so much that at times I found it overwhelming.  (This is why I write, to discover things like this.)  In thinking about this I looked up Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham (one of my favorite Hindi films) on YouTube.  If you understand Hindi and have a heart you can't watch this scene, hear Lata Mangeshkar's title song and not think of your parents' love for you.  Your heart breaks for Shah Rukh Khan and Jaya Bachchan's mother-son connection and Kajol's wish for the blessing she never received from Amitabh Bachchan.

And now for some fun...it is time to bhangra!  If you don't understand Punjabi skip the conversation and start the video at 3:33 for some music.

How to live more consciously

I spent a lot of time this weekend with 3 people. None of them spoke in a language I could understand, but they were all so cute that we didn't need words. Spending time with children, especially children a year old or younger is an automatic way to live more consciously. Keeping an eye on them to make sure they don't get hurt, making them laugh, or feeding them brings all of your attention solely into that moment. All you're thinking about is how to make them laugh and smile, how to get them to stop crying, or how amazing they are to watch as they interact with a new object. I sort of ignored the rest of the family around me...I'm usually frustrated by their inquisitiveness, criticalness, and judgmental comments about my life. But when little 1 year olds who can't walk yet are giggling as you push them on their swings or laughing as you make faces at them or giggling when you tickle them grown up adults (and their drama) that have lost their sense of childish wonderment fall to the background. What was really amazing to observe were how their instincts came into play. 2 of the 3 children were twins. When one of them started drinking their milk the other one went and to grab the bottle away from the first and start drinking and then a mini-fight would ensue with each in pursuit of the bottle. Already at 1 it is clear which one is more dominant. And I understand why parents say I wish I could freeze time and they could be this age forever. Plus when a cute little one year old in a white dress with flowers falls asleep as you're holding her and you end up sitting down with her asleep on you for hours it is a perfect moment (made less complicated and more appreciated due to the fact that I did not have the worry and concern that a parent would have since I'm her aunt and not her mom).