I wish I had an image that captured the magical quality that I feel weaving its thread connecting my days.  I am mesmerized by this image.  Something about it is pure and clean and alive.  When you take a step off of the path you're bumbling along and step onto the path your inner voice is ushering you towards it feels like your lungs open up and you can breathe deeper...I feel freer.  There are things I want to write here, but I'm too scared to utter the whispers inside me out loud.  I can't seem to get this post started so today is just going to be a list of things I'm celebrating for myself.  Before lifting off you have to get all your gear in order right?  That is how I see these things.

1.  I contacted a classmate of mine with whom I'm not having the optimal experience.  I've been avoiding dealing with this situation, putting it off for a few weeks.  I could have easily sent an email and walked away, but I didn't feel that behavior had any integrity in it.  So I called her and presented to her how I was feeling.  She was receptive to hearing it and we spoke again a few days later.  I think the conversation was an example and exercise in honesty and integrity in an emotionally intimate situation.  I owned my part in our dynamic and took responsibility for what I did that offended her.  I would write more here, but I feel that isn't respectful of the private conversation she and I had.  We're going to speak again this weekend and hopefully finish up clearing the space and move forward.  I am cautiously optimistic about things at this point.  And I'm proud of myself for taking a step towards fear instead of running away from it as I easily could have done.

2.  Scent can have such a powerful effect on my mood.  Last year a friend introduced me to Fresh.  I picked up a free sample of their Sugar fragrance and was hooked.  I love wearing it.  It smells clean and inviting without being overpowering.

3.  Last week I had practicum training for my course.  I was dreading this call as it was being taught by the instructor who I felt humiliated by in the past.  Personally I wish someone would time how many minutes she speaks and how many minutes students get to speak cause it seems like she does A LOT of talking even though we're the ones who are supposed to be coaching.  Anyway, I didn't have to perform that day.  Despite she and I being like oil and water I asked questions when they arose.  Her answers were always the same spiel over and over.  I swear..do they say memorize this speech and just keep repeating it and people will believe you?

At the end of the call a peer opened up about a fear she had in starting her business.  The instructor responded and then I jumped in (ever the instructor) and said hey..this is just an idea so you can take it or leave it, but how about when you take that next step that you're scared of taking you tell us in the class message boards so that we can celebrate your success.  This was received well by the instructor and the student.  A few days later I received an email from this peer thanking me for supporting her.  It was nice to get that I have to say.  It is the first email I have received from any student in class.

4.  Last week I happened to be in the neighborhood where Basis is located.  So I decided to stop in personally to restart my subscription.  I asked them to add yogurt to my order and all of a sudden I found myself being given containers and containers of free yogurt from different creameries.  I spent some time talking to the people there who were telling me more about how Basis is expanding and then took my yogurt, blueberries, and plums home.  I never expected stopping by would result in all these goodies coming home with me.

5.  A few weeks ago while at Borders 4 blocks from my place I noticed that Chris Guillebeau was scheduled to speak in September.  I recently posted something about how sometimes being the non-conformist sucks cause it means I'm alone.  And then I saw the title of the book Chris was in New York to promote: The Art of Non-Conformity.  So I got off my butt and went to see Chris speak.  If you like to travel, or if you don't like adhering to the status quo way of life, or if you are trying to set up a small business read Chris' blog.

6.  Jonathan Fields introduced Chris at the book signing and shared a concept called the Zillion Sum Game that Jonathan Unger had shared with him in conversation.  This concept is a counterpoint to the scary idea that life is a zero sum game.  It lined up with some things in my class so I was excited to learn more about it.  To no avail.  So I befriended Jonathan Fields on Facebook and asked him directly about it.  To which he responded that he had just written a blog post about this very topic.  I shared this link in the class forum.  How many students responded?  1.  1 frickin student.  And the head of the program responded.  They both loved the concept and totally agreed that it was in line with what we were learning.  As for the other 50 or so people...whatever.

7.  A friend shared a story about someone from my past.  It was unexpected and I was a little surprised to hear it.  Like a wound that is healing it pressed on that place slightly and yet it didn't hurt as much as it used to.  Something about the story released me.  I haven't fixated on it as I would have before.  I'm thankful not to have that presence in my life anymore.

8.  I returned home on Tuesday to see a No Parking sign attached to the street sign right outside my building informing us that one of my favorite shows White Collar was going to be filming here.  Awesome!  I was excited.  So at 5am I went downstairs to investigate, but there were only a few people setting up.  At noon I went outside to discover signs leading to the set.  They were shooting in the parking lot area of the former Tavern on the Green.  I saw most of the cast, but almost missed seeing Matt Bomer because for once he was dressed in jeans.  They were just rehearsing and the sun was blazing so I stayed for a few minutes and left.  It was somewhat boring actually.  And yes Matt Bomer is cute in person.

If you watch the show you know that this week was the final episode until January and the cliffhanger was sad.  If you haven't seen the finale episode stop reading here.  SPOILER ALERT:  Obviously Mozzie getting shot cannot end his life.  Willie Garson's character adds the comic relief to this show and he makes a great sidekick from the criminal part of Neal's life.  Here is a 2 minute clip of Willie Garson talking about working with Matt Bomer.

7.  I cleaned out my fridge (it was not as scary as I thought...well, except for the crisper drawer!) and cleaned and chopped and bagged all of my Basis deliveries.  What a relief.  It was so easy to just come home the next day and start cooking.  I discovered after cooking last night that I'm a fan of purple potatoes, patty pan squash and still not a fan of eggplant.

8.  Every article of clothing that sat in the ever-growing pile on the floor in my apartment has been washed.  I never thought I had a lot of clothes, but apparently I do as I can go for a long time wearing clean clothes while the laundry basket fills up.

9.  I went through the binders we were sent for class page-by-page.  There are a number of personal exercises in there which aren't bad.  There is also a lot of FILLER material which is crap in my opinion as they are just excerpts from the books we were required to purchase and read anyway.  Lame with a capital L.

10.  This summer I saw the work of Rawtoastdesign at the Renegade Craft Fair in Brooklyn.  One print in particular struck me, but in an effort to be fiscally conservative I did not purchase it.  I was recently looking at the print on the artist's website and thinking about it again.  And then on Facebook a few days later the artist Jesse Kuhn wrote about a project he was asking for our support on.  If we voted for a particular school on Facebook in some contest to receive funding and sent him a screen shot of this we could pick out a free print from his store!!!!  Done and Done!  Awesome.  You can check out his prints for sale here.

11.  A blogger whose site I've followed for a few years and whose art sits framed next to my bed on my bookcase is coming to NYC is a few weeks.  I may have the opportunity to meet her...if I can get out of my dumb class on time.  (Last week class ran over by 40 minutes!)  If you want to read a blog that has gorgeous images and writing and whereupon reading it from start to finish you witness one woman's journey, transformation, healing, grieving, moving forward click here.

12.  Had powerful sessions with both my therapist and my coach.  For the first time in as long as I can remember they both told me they were proud of me.  I'm glad in a world where everyone is too self-absorbed (me included) to really sit and consider another's situation that someone seems to be really seeing me.

Like the sentiment...

Angry Little Girls by Lela Lee makes me laugh.  I came across these books in a bookstore last year.  Sometimes I find myself nodding my head in agreement when I read the comic strips.  (It also makes me wish Calvin and Hobbes was still being published.)  I want this!  

A list that needed to be written

I'm really tired and I think my body is spent on my lack of sleep last night, the emotional highs from today's events, and all the vegetables and fruits I've been putting inside it lately and just needs rest.  But it is important to me...for me that I record something in this space.  As it is after 3am it will just have to be a list of the bare essentials.  Thank you to the 2.5 blog readers I currently have who email me saying they enjoy my lists.

1.  Took my guts, instinct, intuition and moved forward on a major decision today.  I wanted to write about it in this space, but an interaction with a nosy extended family member who continually pushed and pushed to try to get me to tell her what the decision was has honestly made me grab a tighter hold of it and want to pull it back safe into my shell and protect and keep this dream so to speak quiet.  It isn't a big deal to most people probably, but I hold this decision and what it represents to me in great value.  As my blog is a public blog and technically anyone could find it (meaning nosy, gossipy extended family members) I'm going to keep mum right now in this space.  The important thing to know is that I made a decision which is movement forward for me.  GO ME!

2.  I picked up my first Basis delivery today.  So far I have been enjoying the foods I've eaten and think it is a good deal.  Clearly they are still working out some of the small kinks, but everyone I've talked to there has been really nice and helpful.  In the last 8 hours I've put apples, blueberries, rice, and kale into my tummy.  How healthy of me.

3.  There was something that was bugging me a tiny bit with a close friend, but debated whether to even raise it with her.  Instead I framed it as why is this bothering me so much?  What is it about this situation that is activating a reaction or thinking about it?  And when I heard from the friend I just raised it in what I think was a casual way.  I listened to what the friend had to say and took it in without any judgment or anger.  (In the past I think those things would have been there.  Just in writing that last sentence the thought occurred to me "God I am changing.  Who will I be without my judgment and anger?"  Hmmm...very interesting thought!)  And then I moved on with the conversation.  My friend was gracious and generous in her concern and this little thing became a non-issue.  I sorta think this is a little bit of a big deal for me for some reason.

4.  I am really taking my parents for granted right now and a lot lately.....avoiding all the incessant conversations and questions they have with me about finding a steady job in a traditional setting and how I need to find a man and get married.  This HAS to change.  Life is so random that I can't miss out on my chance to have experiences and strengthen my relationship with them.

5.  Because of #1 I have to read 3 books in the next 8 days and then do a long and very introspective writing assignment.  I've become such a slow reader that this is making me a little worried, but overall I think I will be okay somehow.

6.  I took the information I had in #1 and only shared it with specific people in my life.  This is the first step in that journey and it took a long time to get to this place so for the first few months I feel I need to hold this sacred and only share it with those people who are supportive and respectful of me.  The naysayers can wait on the other side of the door right now.  This safe place is not open for business (or their criticisms and judgments) right now.

7.  Daily I see how many free resources and information there is online to start your own business, change your life, overcome one's depression or struggle with something.  This is something I really want to take advantage of.  Speaking of this I just received an email from a friend about Justice at Harvard.  The video on the home page is totally worth checking out.  I'm excited to watch the episodes.

8.  I've started using iCal to keep my schedule, the To Do list that I refer to, loading my photos and videos on my new computer and cleaning out my huge inbox.  Almost halfway done!

9.  I don't know why, but I continue to be drawn to and purchase clothes from these outdoorsy type stores like Patagonia.  Hmm....  (French Fry is now going to email me and continue her campaign for me to move to Seattle!)

10.  Have been setting limits with people who are draining me.  The more I set the limit for one, the more that person continues to reach out.  I don't get it, but I'm standing my ground.  The most important thing in this situation is me respecting my boundaries and my need at this time to be around positive people who don't project their personal baggage onto me.

11.  I posted a question on Facebook yesterday asking people for examples of times when making a major decision involved taking a big leap of faith in themselves and the world around them and received 4 honest, detailed, gorgeous responses.  Whenever I've been really down one of the things I think of that even I can't devalue or talk myself out of are all the wonderful friends I have in my life.  Some go all the way back to childhood, others I've only known virtually through their blog writings and through Facebook, and still others were strangers until Craigslist/college/something united us.  The outpouring of support I received today made me feel good because I felt that the people I had shared my good news with honored it with the respect and esteem I was holding it in.  And in the same extent I also feel like for the first time in a long time I wasn't thirsty for this, I didn't NEED anyone's affirmation.  I just wanted to tell people because I was really excited about things.  I think this is a little step in a different direction.

12.  For the past week I've started writing down the lessons I'm learning as well as my dreams and topics for my own personal work.  It seems to be getting easier the more I continually make it a habit to use writing as a way to process things, but once in a while I do get lazy and tired and don't do it.

13.  For the last week I have no idea why, but when I start to fade into sleep I continually have this image of me holding a baby against my chest.  I don't consciously go there and think of this.  It just pops up from time to time.  Hmm...what is that about?

"Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."

I love my coach.  It is amazing to me the difference when I come to a call with her emotionally organized so to speak.  I don't just talk and talk with no structure.  I say what I need to say in a compact manner, sharing the information that is essential rather than all the little annoyances that are not important.  And she asks me questions or gives me feedback in a way that is direct and to the point.  I sometimes feel like I shouldn't talk about my work with her in front of others, but I'm no longer going to limit myself because of another.  Writing this makes me think of that Marianne Williamson quote. (Don't run away because of the "child of God" or "glory of God" parts.  You don't have to be religious or believe in God for this quote to strike something in you.)  "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."  This so resonates with me.  I don't fully know why it is that some of us are afraid of success, power, the ability to make things happen, but I know that when I read this quote it settles somewhere inside of me.  If it wasn't so voluminous I would make it art on one of the walls in my apt.  "If you build it they will come"...the famous line from The Field of Dreams...and the Zen proverb "When the pupil is ready to learn, a teacher will appear."  I'm ready and there are a bounty of teachers in my life.

Zingerman's

I was reminded of all the shopping and meals I had at Zingerman's when I lived in Ann Arbor.  I still have a soft spot in my heart for this place.  In my window shopping I came across many items I wanted to order, but decided instead to honor my financial goals and refrain.  Just reading about the item below though makes my mouth water....two of my favorite things combined in one!

Chocolate Covered Clementines
(Image source)

Random weekend revelations and acceptances

Realized this weekend or finally accepted what sat on the brink of my consciousness...that I've been using my daily to-do list (so to speak) to avoid dealing with one big thing on the real list...the list that really counts. So in thinking about this I decided no more snail's pace, no more hemming and hawing and I took care of some of the things that have sat on my to-do list for a long time and accomplished them.

I completely adore Just be spLendid and pulled this Robert Frost quote from there tonight.  "The best way out is always through."  This resonates so strongly with me.

And my interest in coaching and/or therapizing my friends is decreasing greatly as well.  It is one thing when a friend asks for an ear, a shoulder, brainstorming, or feedback.  That is different.  But I'm setting the boundary for my own emotional health to no longer jump into this role with friends who do not ask for it.  If they lack insight or motivation to improve their lives, confront their fears, become healthier it isn't my job or place to try to lead them a particular way.  Who am I to say they need to improve their lives, confront their fears, and become healthier?  Just because those are my goals does not mean they must be my friends' goals as well.  I find that when I unsolicitedly jump into this role with people I resent it later and it rarely ever changes anything for the better.  Similarly, I find suggesting to friends they seek out the services of a psychologist to discuss something they are struggling with rarely (if ever) seems to work.  I can't help but wonder what this says about me that most of my friends (except 4 I can think of off the top of my head) have never, would never seek out a therapist if they were going through a trying time.

Ramblings

I'm struck tonight with a lot of different thoughts swimming together.  The day was filled with a few this-is-your-life conversations, the tears of a friend (and my subsequent heartbreak in seeing this), a long subway ride and walk home in the rain, a new hat!, hearing a wonderful interview on The Story and discovering ciao samin..

People put mirrors metaphorically in front of me and said this is who you are today.  The truth is I didn't like it all that much.  I'm pretty good at questioning why I do the things I do so I didn't see things from a different perspective after these conversations.  Instead I felt more protective of who I am and wanted to respond by wrapping myself in something warm and keeping to myself.  Sometimes I feel like no one understands or appreciates me.

This is how I should look at life's curveballs.

Showed up in my mailbox from DailyOM
October 29, 2008
Embracing Unpredictability
When Life Throws You A Curve Ball

In life, we are always setting goals for ourselves and working to make them happen. This gives us focus and ensures that we use our time and energy efficiently and effectively. It also provides us with a sense of purpose and direction. We know where we are going and what we want to do. But quite often, due to forces outside our control, things do not go as we had planned—the flat tire on the way to the wedding, the unforeseen flu virus—and we have to adjust to a postponement or create a whole new set of circumstances. Even positive turns of fortune — an unexpected influx of cash or falling in love — require us to be flexible and to reconsider our plans and priorities, sometimes in the blink of an eye. This is what happens when life throws you a curve ball.

The ability to accept what is happening and let go of your original expectations is key when dealing with these unexpected turns of fate. We have a tendency to get stuck in our heads, clinging to an idea of how we think life should go, and we can have a hard time accepting anything that doesn’t comply with that idea. The fact is that life is unpredictable. The trip you thought was for business — and when the deal fell through, you got depressed — actually landed you at the airport two days earlier than planned so you could meet the love of your life. Your car breaks down, and you are late for an appointment. While it’s true that you never arrive at that important meeting, you end up spending a few relaxing hours with people you would never have met otherwise.

In order to keep us awake to opportunity and to teach us equanimity, the universe throws us the occasional curve ball. Remember that curve balls are not only life’s way of keeping us awake, which is a gift in and of itself; they are also often life’s way of bringing us wonderful surprises. Next time a curve ball comes your way, take a deep breath, say thank you, and open your mind to a new opportunity.

The Little Book of Hindu Deities

(Image source: Gheehappy)

I originally came across The Little Book of Hindu Deities in a Washington D.C. bookstore and instantly fell in love. The artwork is fun and it has an explanation for each of the Hindu gods and goddesses. I think it makes a great gift for a kid learning about Hinduism. You can purchase it on Amazon. I know when I was little I loved all the Amar Chitra Kathas my relatives from India sent me. It was a fun way to learn the religious stories and folktales of my culture. And for the record I do not know anyone affiliated with this book and do not receive any kickbacks if you buy it. I just think it is cute.

Zenamoon

(Photo source: Zenamoon)

I really love the spirit of the candle company Carla Blazek started called Zenamoon. I find something sacred about her candles and I love supporting a company run by a strong woman such as her. In the spirit of the present political fervor Zenamoon has created the Obama '08 candle which is only available for a limited time. I just received two in the mail yesterday: one for me and one I'm gifting to a friend with whom politics is a favorite topic of discussion. I also ordered the I Choose candle because the affirmations written on it state exactly how I feel.

I Choose:
ease and enjoyment • with gratitude •to trust my intuition • love • exactly what i need • health • joyful living • to spend my time and energy well •to not take things personally

Thank you Carla for trailblazing your own path and starting this wonderful company.

My new favorite blog

(Photo Source: Smitten Kitchen)

Emma sent me the Smitten Kitchen blog yesterday and I'm in love. The photographs are vibrant with bold colors. I'm filled with such joy upon opening this site. I'm determined to recreate one of these cakes.

Website Recommendation: SpotCrime

Thrillist sends out some great website recommendations. Today's email highlighted a website called Spotcrime that has interactive maps to show you what crimes have been committed in your neighborhood.