A list of good things...

A lot of great things have been happening in recent weeks...even amidst my ongoing struggle with the lack of excellence presented by the instructors in my class I think the way to get me out of concentrating on that is to make a list of all the awesome things that have been going on.

1.  A week ago while going to get my laundry I ran into my super.  Some background:  My super is GREAT, really and truly great.  He is one of the reasons always cited by residents in this building of what we appreciate about living here.  Whenever I need something or ask a question he is readily available to help and asks nothing in return.  His background is actually academically and professionally musical.  He is a composer.  We talked about this last year while he was fixing something in my apartment.  So while I was putting my laundry in the dryer last week he came into the laundry room to talk to me.  I had asked last year to hear some of the pieces he composed and then we both forgot about it.  Well, he came in to tell me he had remembered that I asked and he had failed to follow up and he gave me a brand new cd with some of his compositions!  I'm listening to it now as I write these words.  As I walked back up to my apartment that day and considered this interaction I thought about how amazingly rich and diverse people's life stories are.  I thought about friends I have that only interact really with their own kind:  only doctors, only lawyers, only financiers, only people of a certain income bracket and status.  As I move away from who I think I "should" be and move towards what feels good I find that I don't want to be like those people.  Even though once in a while it does complicate situations to bring together people of different income levels, or I feel disappointed by my friends who don't utilize these situations to meet new people but stick solely to the people they know or people of their own race or income level.  Personally I don't care much for their reactions.  I see value in people not based solely on one factor like income, racial background, job, where they live.  I see the value in people based on their stories or more apropos the range and diversity of their specific experiences and story.

2.  I finally used my new Sonic care toothbrush.  A generous friend gifted this to me and I've been meaning to use it for months and hadn't started until tonight.  My teeth feel clean.

3.  I went to the eye doctor finally on Monday and was seen by a number of people.  Once I return there next week and get my contact lens prescription I'm not returning there again...not a fan of these fancy pants factory practices.  The doctor who owns the practice lacks any type of empathy or bedside manner.  Also, the secretary tried to charge me an extra $100 based on an error by one of the doctors.  I asked repeatedly how much the fee was and then finally picked up my guts and asked why it was so high as I had called prior to coming in and was quoted another price.  Turns out I was right and the woman I spoke to prior to coming in had made a note in my chart quoting the price she had given me.  Glad I advocated for myself and that I took care of my eyes and got new contact lenses.

4.  I went to the doctor on Tuesday to get my blood drawn.  As the appointment was in the evening the lab was closed, but I had a long talk with the internist and we scheduled an appointment in the next few weeks for me to get a full check-up.  I have to return in the next few days to get my blood drawn.  I'm glad I'm getting more conscious of taking care of my health.

5.  As I left the doctor's office and headed west towards the subway I heard what I thought was Indian music blaring loudly and it sounded like it was being played live.  I stopped, turned around and walked towards the music.  It led me to Union Square and into the middle of a sea of brown people.  I ended up in the middle of this...The New York Sufi Music Festival sponsored by the Pakistani Peace Builders Initiative.  Abida Parveen was performing.  I didn't know the first few songs, but as soon as Mast Qalandar started everyone started clapping and dancing.  It was wonderful and moving and I remained struck by the odd coincidence of it all as I had just returned from a trip in which a new friend and I spent time discussing spirituality, religion, and devotional music.

6.  After the concert I decided to get some South Indian food.  On the way home from dinner instead of taking the train I walked the 50 blocks home.  On the way I turned down 30th street and happened to pass by the NY Open Center's new location.  Given all the spiritual talk over the last few days it was weird for me to stumble across their new venue so I went in and perused their bookstore.  Once in a while they used to have some interesting things happening at their old Soho location.  

7.  I stood up for myself and contacted the instructor from class who didn't handle things in a manner that I appreciated last week.  She responded sans apology and tried to coach me through my feelings by asking me the most generic and elementary questions possible.  Next!  Thank goodness I only have two more classes taught by her.  Our styles do not mix well together.  I won't allow another person's ego to interrupt and impact my learning or excitement for this material.

8.  Went on a wonderful road trip to Ithaca with friends where we rented a house, hiked, and swam in waterfalls.  It was really awesome.  I'm so glad I went.  It was beautiful and a chance for me to stretch myself in many ways.  I'm also SUPER thankful that a new friend of mine made the wise decision not to inform of me of all the snakes she saw while we were hiking as she knew this would scare me.  We swam and sat on the top of a waterfall that must have had a 30 foot drop.  We hiked, we slid down a shorter waterfall.  We shared goofy stories, sang at the top of our lungs, opened up our hearts and talked about personal things and laughed and some at times teared up.  It was a very moving trip and it made me believe in the power of community, that it does exist in a stronger way than I feel in my daily life and that people can hold differing experiences, express them and still coexist in a supportive manner.

9.  I continued the opportunity to speak openly with my therapist about the things I miss in our therapeutic relationship.  This may sound easy, but it wasn't because it involved me sharing more information about certain ways I see and judge her based on what I know.  But I think the frustrating experiences I'm having in class are breaking open and strengthening my relationship with her and I think that is a very good thing.

9.  I feel really validated by my coach regarding my feelings/frustrations towards my class and in terms of what/who I'm seeking to surround myself with in my life.

10.  I received a gift certificate Monday morning to one of my favorite stores from someone as a thank you for helping them.  It was a very generous gesture and a nice surprise!

What is something great that has happened in your life recently?

A list that needed to be written

I'm really tired and I think my body is spent on my lack of sleep last night, the emotional highs from today's events, and all the vegetables and fruits I've been putting inside it lately and just needs rest.  But it is important to me...for me that I record something in this space.  As it is after 3am it will just have to be a list of the bare essentials.  Thank you to the 2.5 blog readers I currently have who email me saying they enjoy my lists.

1.  Took my guts, instinct, intuition and moved forward on a major decision today.  I wanted to write about it in this space, but an interaction with a nosy extended family member who continually pushed and pushed to try to get me to tell her what the decision was has honestly made me grab a tighter hold of it and want to pull it back safe into my shell and protect and keep this dream so to speak quiet.  It isn't a big deal to most people probably, but I hold this decision and what it represents to me in great value.  As my blog is a public blog and technically anyone could find it (meaning nosy, gossipy extended family members) I'm going to keep mum right now in this space.  The important thing to know is that I made a decision which is movement forward for me.  GO ME!

2.  I picked up my first Basis delivery today.  So far I have been enjoying the foods I've eaten and think it is a good deal.  Clearly they are still working out some of the small kinks, but everyone I've talked to there has been really nice and helpful.  In the last 8 hours I've put apples, blueberries, rice, and kale into my tummy.  How healthy of me.

3.  There was something that was bugging me a tiny bit with a close friend, but debated whether to even raise it with her.  Instead I framed it as why is this bothering me so much?  What is it about this situation that is activating a reaction or thinking about it?  And when I heard from the friend I just raised it in what I think was a casual way.  I listened to what the friend had to say and took it in without any judgment or anger.  (In the past I think those things would have been there.  Just in writing that last sentence the thought occurred to me "God I am changing.  Who will I be without my judgment and anger?"  Hmmm...very interesting thought!)  And then I moved on with the conversation.  My friend was gracious and generous in her concern and this little thing became a non-issue.  I sorta think this is a little bit of a big deal for me for some reason.

4.  I am really taking my parents for granted right now and a lot lately.....avoiding all the incessant conversations and questions they have with me about finding a steady job in a traditional setting and how I need to find a man and get married.  This HAS to change.  Life is so random that I can't miss out on my chance to have experiences and strengthen my relationship with them.

5.  Because of #1 I have to read 3 books in the next 8 days and then do a long and very introspective writing assignment.  I've become such a slow reader that this is making me a little worried, but overall I think I will be okay somehow.

6.  I took the information I had in #1 and only shared it with specific people in my life.  This is the first step in that journey and it took a long time to get to this place so for the first few months I feel I need to hold this sacred and only share it with those people who are supportive and respectful of me.  The naysayers can wait on the other side of the door right now.  This safe place is not open for business (or their criticisms and judgments) right now.

7.  Daily I see how many free resources and information there is online to start your own business, change your life, overcome one's depression or struggle with something.  This is something I really want to take advantage of.  Speaking of this I just received an email from a friend about Justice at Harvard.  The video on the home page is totally worth checking out.  I'm excited to watch the episodes.

8.  I've started using iCal to keep my schedule, the To Do list that I refer to, loading my photos and videos on my new computer and cleaning out my huge inbox.  Almost halfway done!

9.  I don't know why, but I continue to be drawn to and purchase clothes from these outdoorsy type stores like Patagonia.  Hmm....  (French Fry is now going to email me and continue her campaign for me to move to Seattle!)

10.  Have been setting limits with people who are draining me.  The more I set the limit for one, the more that person continues to reach out.  I don't get it, but I'm standing my ground.  The most important thing in this situation is me respecting my boundaries and my need at this time to be around positive people who don't project their personal baggage onto me.

11.  I posted a question on Facebook yesterday asking people for examples of times when making a major decision involved taking a big leap of faith in themselves and the world around them and received 4 honest, detailed, gorgeous responses.  Whenever I've been really down one of the things I think of that even I can't devalue or talk myself out of are all the wonderful friends I have in my life.  Some go all the way back to childhood, others I've only known virtually through their blog writings and through Facebook, and still others were strangers until Craigslist/college/something united us.  The outpouring of support I received today made me feel good because I felt that the people I had shared my good news with honored it with the respect and esteem I was holding it in.  And in the same extent I also feel like for the first time in a long time I wasn't thirsty for this, I didn't NEED anyone's affirmation.  I just wanted to tell people because I was really excited about things.  I think this is a little step in a different direction.

12.  For the past week I've started writing down the lessons I'm learning as well as my dreams and topics for my own personal work.  It seems to be getting easier the more I continually make it a habit to use writing as a way to process things, but once in a while I do get lazy and tired and don't do it.

13.  For the last week I have no idea why, but when I start to fade into sleep I continually have this image of me holding a baby against my chest.  I don't consciously go there and think of this.  It just pops up from time to time.  Hmm...what is that about?

"Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."

I love my coach.  It is amazing to me the difference when I come to a call with her emotionally organized so to speak.  I don't just talk and talk with no structure.  I say what I need to say in a compact manner, sharing the information that is essential rather than all the little annoyances that are not important.  And she asks me questions or gives me feedback in a way that is direct and to the point.  I sometimes feel like I shouldn't talk about my work with her in front of others, but I'm no longer going to limit myself because of another.  Writing this makes me think of that Marianne Williamson quote. (Don't run away because of the "child of God" or "glory of God" parts.  You don't have to be religious or believe in God for this quote to strike something in you.)  "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."  This so resonates with me.  I don't fully know why it is that some of us are afraid of success, power, the ability to make things happen, but I know that when I read this quote it settles somewhere inside of me.  If it wasn't so voluminous I would make it art on one of the walls in my apt.  "If you build it they will come"...the famous line from The Field of Dreams...and the Zen proverb "When the pupil is ready to learn, a teacher will appear."  I'm ready and there are a bounty of teachers in my life.

My neighborhood

The window of Lululemon Athletica in my neighborhood

Chocolate chip cookies at Europan

I shot these while standing in the long line waiting for my cup of not good (but not awful) Hazelnut coffee.  I still think there is no great take-out coffee on the Upper West Side.

I love this shot.  There is something symbolic about it to me.

Finding that which moves me

A blogger friend of mine, someone I have never met in person but have chatted with online, whose words and images render me speechless at times, someone who brings the definition of nuance and beauty to life is leaving today to go abroad to meet and bring home her newly adopted child. Just thinking about this fills me with tears and warms my heart in a way I can't explain. If you've never read Musings I'm so happy to introduce you to it.

I watched This Is It tonight and loved it.  If you haven't seen it yet here is a little taste of it.

I loved getting a peek into what Michael Jackson did best.  All these years later he still hadn't lost his skills.  I think this would have been an incredible concert to witness.  The 3-D stage, the lighting, special effects and costumes really looked amazing and it seems as if no expense was spared.  (Although something about the Love the Earth video was a little too over the top for me.)  But if you have any affection for MJ's music I highly recommend renting this and make sure to check out the Special Features section as well for more interesting behind-the-scenes interviews.