I wish I had an image that captured the magical quality that I feel weaving its thread connecting my days.  I am mesmerized by this image.  Something about it is pure and clean and alive.  When you take a step off of the path you're bumbling along and step onto the path your inner voice is ushering you towards it feels like your lungs open up and you can breathe deeper...I feel freer.  There are things I want to write here, but I'm too scared to utter the whispers inside me out loud.  I can't seem to get this post started so today is just going to be a list of things I'm celebrating for myself.  Before lifting off you have to get all your gear in order right?  That is how I see these things.

1.  I contacted a classmate of mine with whom I'm not having the optimal experience.  I've been avoiding dealing with this situation, putting it off for a few weeks.  I could have easily sent an email and walked away, but I didn't feel that behavior had any integrity in it.  So I called her and presented to her how I was feeling.  She was receptive to hearing it and we spoke again a few days later.  I think the conversation was an example and exercise in honesty and integrity in an emotionally intimate situation.  I owned my part in our dynamic and took responsibility for what I did that offended her.  I would write more here, but I feel that isn't respectful of the private conversation she and I had.  We're going to speak again this weekend and hopefully finish up clearing the space and move forward.  I am cautiously optimistic about things at this point.  And I'm proud of myself for taking a step towards fear instead of running away from it as I easily could have done.

2.  Scent can have such a powerful effect on my mood.  Last year a friend introduced me to Fresh.  I picked up a free sample of their Sugar fragrance and was hooked.  I love wearing it.  It smells clean and inviting without being overpowering.

3.  Last week I had practicum training for my course.  I was dreading this call as it was being taught by the instructor who I felt humiliated by in the past.  Personally I wish someone would time how many minutes she speaks and how many minutes students get to speak cause it seems like she does A LOT of talking even though we're the ones who are supposed to be coaching.  Anyway, I didn't have to perform that day.  Despite she and I being like oil and water I asked questions when they arose.  Her answers were always the same spiel over and over.  I swear..do they say memorize this speech and just keep repeating it and people will believe you?

At the end of the call a peer opened up about a fear she had in starting her business.  The instructor responded and then I jumped in (ever the instructor) and said hey..this is just an idea so you can take it or leave it, but how about when you take that next step that you're scared of taking you tell us in the class message boards so that we can celebrate your success.  This was received well by the instructor and the student.  A few days later I received an email from this peer thanking me for supporting her.  It was nice to get that I have to say.  It is the first email I have received from any student in class.

4.  Last week I happened to be in the neighborhood where Basis is located.  So I decided to stop in personally to restart my subscription.  I asked them to add yogurt to my order and all of a sudden I found myself being given containers and containers of free yogurt from different creameries.  I spent some time talking to the people there who were telling me more about how Basis is expanding and then took my yogurt, blueberries, and plums home.  I never expected stopping by would result in all these goodies coming home with me.

5.  A few weeks ago while at Borders 4 blocks from my place I noticed that Chris Guillebeau was scheduled to speak in September.  I recently posted something about how sometimes being the non-conformist sucks cause it means I'm alone.  And then I saw the title of the book Chris was in New York to promote: The Art of Non-Conformity.  So I got off my butt and went to see Chris speak.  If you like to travel, or if you don't like adhering to the status quo way of life, or if you are trying to set up a small business read Chris' blog.

6.  Jonathan Fields introduced Chris at the book signing and shared a concept called the Zillion Sum Game that Jonathan Unger had shared with him in conversation.  This concept is a counterpoint to the scary idea that life is a zero sum game.  It lined up with some things in my class so I was excited to learn more about it.  To no avail.  So I befriended Jonathan Fields on Facebook and asked him directly about it.  To which he responded that he had just written a blog post about this very topic.  I shared this link in the class forum.  How many students responded?  1.  1 frickin student.  And the head of the program responded.  They both loved the concept and totally agreed that it was in line with what we were learning.  As for the other 50 or so people...whatever.

7.  A friend shared a story about someone from my past.  It was unexpected and I was a little surprised to hear it.  Like a wound that is healing it pressed on that place slightly and yet it didn't hurt as much as it used to.  Something about the story released me.  I haven't fixated on it as I would have before.  I'm thankful not to have that presence in my life anymore.

8.  I returned home on Tuesday to see a No Parking sign attached to the street sign right outside my building informing us that one of my favorite shows White Collar was going to be filming here.  Awesome!  I was excited.  So at 5am I went downstairs to investigate, but there were only a few people setting up.  At noon I went outside to discover signs leading to the set.  They were shooting in the parking lot area of the former Tavern on the Green.  I saw most of the cast, but almost missed seeing Matt Bomer because for once he was dressed in jeans.  They were just rehearsing and the sun was blazing so I stayed for a few minutes and left.  It was somewhat boring actually.  And yes Matt Bomer is cute in person.

If you watch the show you know that this week was the final episode until January and the cliffhanger was sad.  If you haven't seen the finale episode stop reading here.  SPOILER ALERT:  Obviously Mozzie getting shot cannot end his life.  Willie Garson's character adds the comic relief to this show and he makes a great sidekick from the criminal part of Neal's life.  Here is a 2 minute clip of Willie Garson talking about working with Matt Bomer.

7.  I cleaned out my fridge (it was not as scary as I thought...well, except for the crisper drawer!) and cleaned and chopped and bagged all of my Basis deliveries.  What a relief.  It was so easy to just come home the next day and start cooking.  I discovered after cooking last night that I'm a fan of purple potatoes, patty pan squash and still not a fan of eggplant.

8.  Every article of clothing that sat in the ever-growing pile on the floor in my apartment has been washed.  I never thought I had a lot of clothes, but apparently I do as I can go for a long time wearing clean clothes while the laundry basket fills up.

9.  I went through the binders we were sent for class page-by-page.  There are a number of personal exercises in there which aren't bad.  There is also a lot of FILLER material which is crap in my opinion as they are just excerpts from the books we were required to purchase and read anyway.  Lame with a capital L.

10.  This summer I saw the work of Rawtoastdesign at the Renegade Craft Fair in Brooklyn.  One print in particular struck me, but in an effort to be fiscally conservative I did not purchase it.  I was recently looking at the print on the artist's website and thinking about it again.  And then on Facebook a few days later the artist Jesse Kuhn wrote about a project he was asking for our support on.  If we voted for a particular school on Facebook in some contest to receive funding and sent him a screen shot of this we could pick out a free print from his store!!!!  Done and Done!  Awesome.  You can check out his prints for sale here.

11.  A blogger whose site I've followed for a few years and whose art sits framed next to my bed on my bookcase is coming to NYC is a few weeks.  I may have the opportunity to meet her...if I can get out of my dumb class on time.  (Last week class ran over by 40 minutes!)  If you want to read a blog that has gorgeous images and writing and whereupon reading it from start to finish you witness one woman's journey, transformation, healing, grieving, moving forward click here.

12.  Had powerful sessions with both my therapist and my coach.  For the first time in as long as I can remember they both told me they were proud of me.  I'm glad in a world where everyone is too self-absorbed (me included) to really sit and consider another's situation that someone seems to be really seeing me.

What a coincidence

This is the Daily OM article that showed up in my inbox tonight.  How appropriate and fitting given the lesson I learned earlier today:

August 25, 2010
You Are the One You Are Waiting For
Turn to Yourself

"The outer world serves as a mirror and our inner world has a magnetic force that draws to us what we need to evolve.

We spend a lot of our lives looking for role models, mentors, teachers, and gurus to guide us on our path. There is nothing wrong with this and, in fact, finding the right person at the right time can really help. However, it is important to realize that in the absence of such a figure, we can very safely rely upon ourselves. We carry within us everything we need to know to make progress on our paths to self-realization. The outer world serves as a mirror. Or to use another metaphor, our inner world has a magnetic force that draws to us what we need to evolve to the next level. All we need to do to see that we already have everything we need is to let go of our belief that we need to seek in order to find.

The path of the spirit is often defined as a journey with a goal such as the fabled pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. In this metaphor, a person begins a search for something they want but do not have and then they find it, and there is a happy ending. However, most of us know that getting what we want only makes us happy for a moment, and then the happiness passes until a new object of desire presents itself. Joy is a permanent aspect of our inner selves and is not separate from us at any point. We do not have to travel to find it or imagine that it resides only in the body of another. In fact, what the best teachers will do is point out that this very precious elixir is something we already possess.

So when we find ourselves on our path, not knowing which way to turn and wishing for guidance, we can turn to ourselves. We may not know the right answer rationally or intellectually, but if we simply ask, let go, and wait patiently, an answer will come. The more we practice this and trust this process, the less we will look outside ourselves for teachers and guides for we will have successfully become our own. 

A list of good things...

A lot of great things have been happening in recent weeks...even amidst my ongoing struggle with the lack of excellence presented by the instructors in my class I think the way to get me out of concentrating on that is to make a list of all the awesome things that have been going on.

1.  A week ago while going to get my laundry I ran into my super.  Some background:  My super is GREAT, really and truly great.  He is one of the reasons always cited by residents in this building of what we appreciate about living here.  Whenever I need something or ask a question he is readily available to help and asks nothing in return.  His background is actually academically and professionally musical.  He is a composer.  We talked about this last year while he was fixing something in my apartment.  So while I was putting my laundry in the dryer last week he came into the laundry room to talk to me.  I had asked last year to hear some of the pieces he composed and then we both forgot about it.  Well, he came in to tell me he had remembered that I asked and he had failed to follow up and he gave me a brand new cd with some of his compositions!  I'm listening to it now as I write these words.  As I walked back up to my apartment that day and considered this interaction I thought about how amazingly rich and diverse people's life stories are.  I thought about friends I have that only interact really with their own kind:  only doctors, only lawyers, only financiers, only people of a certain income bracket and status.  As I move away from who I think I "should" be and move towards what feels good I find that I don't want to be like those people.  Even though once in a while it does complicate situations to bring together people of different income levels, or I feel disappointed by my friends who don't utilize these situations to meet new people but stick solely to the people they know or people of their own race or income level.  Personally I don't care much for their reactions.  I see value in people not based solely on one factor like income, racial background, job, where they live.  I see the value in people based on their stories or more apropos the range and diversity of their specific experiences and story.

2.  I finally used my new Sonic care toothbrush.  A generous friend gifted this to me and I've been meaning to use it for months and hadn't started until tonight.  My teeth feel clean.

3.  I went to the eye doctor finally on Monday and was seen by a number of people.  Once I return there next week and get my contact lens prescription I'm not returning there again...not a fan of these fancy pants factory practices.  The doctor who owns the practice lacks any type of empathy or bedside manner.  Also, the secretary tried to charge me an extra $100 based on an error by one of the doctors.  I asked repeatedly how much the fee was and then finally picked up my guts and asked why it was so high as I had called prior to coming in and was quoted another price.  Turns out I was right and the woman I spoke to prior to coming in had made a note in my chart quoting the price she had given me.  Glad I advocated for myself and that I took care of my eyes and got new contact lenses.

4.  I went to the doctor on Tuesday to get my blood drawn.  As the appointment was in the evening the lab was closed, but I had a long talk with the internist and we scheduled an appointment in the next few weeks for me to get a full check-up.  I have to return in the next few days to get my blood drawn.  I'm glad I'm getting more conscious of taking care of my health.

5.  As I left the doctor's office and headed west towards the subway I heard what I thought was Indian music blaring loudly and it sounded like it was being played live.  I stopped, turned around and walked towards the music.  It led me to Union Square and into the middle of a sea of brown people.  I ended up in the middle of this...The New York Sufi Music Festival sponsored by the Pakistani Peace Builders Initiative.  Abida Parveen was performing.  I didn't know the first few songs, but as soon as Mast Qalandar started everyone started clapping and dancing.  It was wonderful and moving and I remained struck by the odd coincidence of it all as I had just returned from a trip in which a new friend and I spent time discussing spirituality, religion, and devotional music.

6.  After the concert I decided to get some South Indian food.  On the way home from dinner instead of taking the train I walked the 50 blocks home.  On the way I turned down 30th street and happened to pass by the NY Open Center's new location.  Given all the spiritual talk over the last few days it was weird for me to stumble across their new venue so I went in and perused their bookstore.  Once in a while they used to have some interesting things happening at their old Soho location.  

7.  I stood up for myself and contacted the instructor from class who didn't handle things in a manner that I appreciated last week.  She responded sans apology and tried to coach me through my feelings by asking me the most generic and elementary questions possible.  Next!  Thank goodness I only have two more classes taught by her.  Our styles do not mix well together.  I won't allow another person's ego to interrupt and impact my learning or excitement for this material.

8.  Went on a wonderful road trip to Ithaca with friends where we rented a house, hiked, and swam in waterfalls.  It was really awesome.  I'm so glad I went.  It was beautiful and a chance for me to stretch myself in many ways.  I'm also SUPER thankful that a new friend of mine made the wise decision not to inform of me of all the snakes she saw while we were hiking as she knew this would scare me.  We swam and sat on the top of a waterfall that must have had a 30 foot drop.  We hiked, we slid down a shorter waterfall.  We shared goofy stories, sang at the top of our lungs, opened up our hearts and talked about personal things and laughed and some at times teared up.  It was a very moving trip and it made me believe in the power of community, that it does exist in a stronger way than I feel in my daily life and that people can hold differing experiences, express them and still coexist in a supportive manner.

9.  I continued the opportunity to speak openly with my therapist about the things I miss in our therapeutic relationship.  This may sound easy, but it wasn't because it involved me sharing more information about certain ways I see and judge her based on what I know.  But I think the frustrating experiences I'm having in class are breaking open and strengthening my relationship with her and I think that is a very good thing.

9.  I feel really validated by my coach regarding my feelings/frustrations towards my class and in terms of what/who I'm seeking to surround myself with in my life.

10.  I received a gift certificate Monday morning to one of my favorite stores from someone as a thank you for helping them.  It was a very generous gesture and a nice surprise!

What is something great that has happened in your life recently?

Emerging...

I've been slowly working my way back to feeling better.  I've been little-by-little taking better care of myself.  (Just stopped writing to take my vitamins...bleck.  Anyone have a suggestion for a multivitamin that isn't the size of a horse pill?)  I'm been setting limits on what and who I allow into my life.  My time is important.  I want it spent in specific ways, ways defined only by myself.  I know what my priorities are, I have for a long time...just haven't been holding myself to them enough.  Every single priority on my short list requires a new way of being.  That idea can be daunting.  I think I always needed time to get to this place where I could take a step in a new way, in a new direction, and leave the past behind.  I'm not the type of person who can be forced to do things.  I'm stubborn and staunch in my stance I know, but I'm not above changing my position and realizing and admitting that I was wrong or that there is a better way of thinking/approaching something.

Alongside this I've decided it is time to state out loud what it is I want truly from a romantic relationship.  Over many years I've wondered to myself certain questions such as: Could I date someone of another religious background who strongly practiced that religion?  And every time I have done that the person who would help me answer that question has shown up in my life.  A month ago in this writing space I stated that it was time for something new.  And right after I declared that here it showed up in my life.  It may not be in the exact way that fits me, but I cannot miss acknowledging the fact that what I asked for was then presented to me.

Here was my Note from the Universe a few days ago:

Invariably, when big dreams come true, and I mean BIG, Samosas for One, there is a total metamorphosis of one's life. Their thoughts change, their words change, decisions are made differently, gratitude is tossed about like rice at a wedding, priorities are rearranged, and optimism soars.... Yeah, they're almost annoying.

You could have guessed all that, huh?

Would you have guessed that these changes, invariably, come before, not after, their dream's manifestation?

Samosas for One, invariably means always.

My blog my witness

Dear my little blog:

This is gearing up to be a week of trying new things.  Yesterday I went to my first Lululemon yoga class.  Boy can I feel it today.  There are sore muscles in places I didn't even know I had muscles!  :)  Ironically last week while taking a walk with a friend in my neighborhood a woman approached us and offered us 2 weeks of free yoga coupons...so I think I'm going to go back and give the jyoga (as Red calls it) another try.

On another note, have I ever told you how weird things happen in my life on a regular basis it seems?  Case in point:  After lunch I was walking on Central Park West to my apartment.  And I was thinking about an author I worked with for a few years who I remembered lived on Central Park West.  I remember that the editor on his book who I worked with had to go to a meeting at his apartment and I remember that he lived in this area.  How funny that I should now live within a few blocks of his apartment.

At the end of the day I was walking home from the opposite direction and took the shortcut through the driveway of the building across the street from my building and who do I pass right by???  That author!  I didn't talk to him because he was always extremely high-maintenance.  But isn't it weird that I was thinking about him earlier today and then I walk right by him today?!  I've lived here over a year and never once seen him before today.  WEIRD!

Dispatches from a brown girl

I've been thinking this week about all the little seeds I'm planting and all the things the Universe is presenting back to me.  Examples:

I've been having an ongoing discussion about race, identity, inter-racial relationships, and the responsibilities of the younger generation to their parents in terms of transmitting their culture with friends and in therapy.

Unbeknownst to me a friend of mine has been thinking about similar topics and just started writing My Life in Brown.
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I've been skirting around the edges of the idea of becoming a coach.  I have some strong reservations about this field and have yet to interact with a person of color who is a coach who I'm impressed by.  One of the things I'm wondering is how to create work of substance that will attract smart, educated, ambitious clientele.  And are there any Indian women out there like me who have embarked in this new industry but found acceptance in the traditional world.  

Then I remembered I was sent an email by a good friend of mine about a workshop this week that she is attending run by what sounds like a South Asian coach.  I'm going to go with my friend and check it out.  In addition another friend emailed me an article about the defamed formed New York Times reporter Jayson Blair who apparently has become a life coach.  I wrote a long email back to my friend with all the skeptical thoughts I had about the various personal issues that are raised about Blair himself in this article.  I got to think and write out some of the concerns I have about the field and it's lack of credentialing.
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I hate to admit it, but I'm not a practical person.  I think my true nature is much less grounded and much more whimsical.  This makes sense given my background and how I grew up.  And I think I burned out on all the you should be a doctor, investment banker, etc. attitudes, and working in a regular office environment at a big corporate company.  Someone once told me a few months ago that even if by some weird turn of events I actually wanted to go back into these environments my spirit just wouldn't allow it and when I thought about those words and let them settle into me I realized she was totally right.  Whatever it was in me that kept me producing, advancing, climbing the corporate ladder and creating a very successful brand and reputation for myself won't do it anymore.  Whatever that well was it has been tapped dry and now the rest of me will only produce in an area that supports my passions.  In support of these passions I'm starting to nibble a little bit here and there.  I'm attending a workshop this weekend run by Pamela Slim and Jonathan Fields.  I'm also playing around with the idea of taking Tal Ben-Shahar's online Positive Psychology class at UPenn.

Lululemon Athletica's Success Chakra

(Image source)

At the corner of my street is a Lululemon Athletica store. I knew I had moved to the right place when their Halloween window said the phrase "Do one thing that scares you each day". It reminded me of Jessie's Be Brave project. They have yoga at night and they are bringing in a coach this Sunday evening concentrating on goal setting. I was curious to look at their website and was happily surprised. I found the Success Chakra on there. Click on the image above for a larger picture so you can read the words. I really liked it. Also they have a whole goal-setting program on there as well. Worth checking out I think.

The universe?

I just sat down to write a post about what I learned this weekend about myself when I read the DailyOM article for today on the side of my blog. This very thing was actually what I was going to write my post about. Weird.

November 10, 2008
Light of the Party
Confidence in Social Situations

If you’ve ever been to a social gathering where you’ve felt awkward and uncomfortable, chances are you are not alone. While social gatherings can be very enjoyable, especially when we are surrounded by people whose company we enjoy, there are social events that we attend where we sometimes find ourselves wishing we were someplace else. Such occasions can sometimes be the cause of much anxiety and self-consciousness. We may even feel like everyone else is having a good time except for us. Yet the truth is that everyone has felt shy and awkward on occasion. One of the best ways to overcome self-consciousness or get past your feelings of shyness at social gatherings is to focus on the people around you. If you can remember that other people might also be feeling awkward or shy, you might find the thought of speaking to them less intimidating or overwhelming.

The next time there is a social event you feel nervous about attending, you may want to try this exercise: Spend some time with your eyes closed and breathe deeply. When you feel ready, create your own zone of comfort by visualizing yourself surrounded in a warm white light that is protective yet accepting of others. Imagine people at the event being drawn to you because of the open and warm feelings that you are radiating. When you arrive at the event, take a moment to spread this same light of loving acceptance to everyone around you. Smile and greet people warmly. Try going up to someone who is standing alone and introduce yourself. When you radiate acceptance, openness, and receptivity, people can’t help but respond to you in kind.

Focusing on how we can make other people at a social gathering feel at ease can help us forget about our own insecurities. In the process, we end up making the very connections that we seek. The next time you attend a social gathering, invite people to join you in your zone of comfort that you have so lovingly and intentionally created. Let yourself enjoy being encircled in the warmth of their friendships.