big question

It is not so easy to be the only child in a family.  Everyone in my family is aging and at a different stage in their lives.  Even the family dog is walking into walls due to blindness.  Sometimes it is too hard to balance what I need and yearn for with my anxiety about everyone leaving me alone in this world.  What am I going to do when it is just me?

A list of good things...

A lot of great things have been happening in recent weeks...even amidst my ongoing struggle with the lack of excellence presented by the instructors in my class I think the way to get me out of concentrating on that is to make a list of all the awesome things that have been going on.

1.  A week ago while going to get my laundry I ran into my super.  Some background:  My super is GREAT, really and truly great.  He is one of the reasons always cited by residents in this building of what we appreciate about living here.  Whenever I need something or ask a question he is readily available to help and asks nothing in return.  His background is actually academically and professionally musical.  He is a composer.  We talked about this last year while he was fixing something in my apartment.  So while I was putting my laundry in the dryer last week he came into the laundry room to talk to me.  I had asked last year to hear some of the pieces he composed and then we both forgot about it.  Well, he came in to tell me he had remembered that I asked and he had failed to follow up and he gave me a brand new cd with some of his compositions!  I'm listening to it now as I write these words.  As I walked back up to my apartment that day and considered this interaction I thought about how amazingly rich and diverse people's life stories are.  I thought about friends I have that only interact really with their own kind:  only doctors, only lawyers, only financiers, only people of a certain income bracket and status.  As I move away from who I think I "should" be and move towards what feels good I find that I don't want to be like those people.  Even though once in a while it does complicate situations to bring together people of different income levels, or I feel disappointed by my friends who don't utilize these situations to meet new people but stick solely to the people they know or people of their own race or income level.  Personally I don't care much for their reactions.  I see value in people not based solely on one factor like income, racial background, job, where they live.  I see the value in people based on their stories or more apropos the range and diversity of their specific experiences and story.

2.  I finally used my new Sonic care toothbrush.  A generous friend gifted this to me and I've been meaning to use it for months and hadn't started until tonight.  My teeth feel clean.

3.  I went to the eye doctor finally on Monday and was seen by a number of people.  Once I return there next week and get my contact lens prescription I'm not returning there again...not a fan of these fancy pants factory practices.  The doctor who owns the practice lacks any type of empathy or bedside manner.  Also, the secretary tried to charge me an extra $100 based on an error by one of the doctors.  I asked repeatedly how much the fee was and then finally picked up my guts and asked why it was so high as I had called prior to coming in and was quoted another price.  Turns out I was right and the woman I spoke to prior to coming in had made a note in my chart quoting the price she had given me.  Glad I advocated for myself and that I took care of my eyes and got new contact lenses.

4.  I went to the doctor on Tuesday to get my blood drawn.  As the appointment was in the evening the lab was closed, but I had a long talk with the internist and we scheduled an appointment in the next few weeks for me to get a full check-up.  I have to return in the next few days to get my blood drawn.  I'm glad I'm getting more conscious of taking care of my health.

5.  As I left the doctor's office and headed west towards the subway I heard what I thought was Indian music blaring loudly and it sounded like it was being played live.  I stopped, turned around and walked towards the music.  It led me to Union Square and into the middle of a sea of brown people.  I ended up in the middle of this...The New York Sufi Music Festival sponsored by the Pakistani Peace Builders Initiative.  Abida Parveen was performing.  I didn't know the first few songs, but as soon as Mast Qalandar started everyone started clapping and dancing.  It was wonderful and moving and I remained struck by the odd coincidence of it all as I had just returned from a trip in which a new friend and I spent time discussing spirituality, religion, and devotional music.

6.  After the concert I decided to get some South Indian food.  On the way home from dinner instead of taking the train I walked the 50 blocks home.  On the way I turned down 30th street and happened to pass by the NY Open Center's new location.  Given all the spiritual talk over the last few days it was weird for me to stumble across their new venue so I went in and perused their bookstore.  Once in a while they used to have some interesting things happening at their old Soho location.  

7.  I stood up for myself and contacted the instructor from class who didn't handle things in a manner that I appreciated last week.  She responded sans apology and tried to coach me through my feelings by asking me the most generic and elementary questions possible.  Next!  Thank goodness I only have two more classes taught by her.  Our styles do not mix well together.  I won't allow another person's ego to interrupt and impact my learning or excitement for this material.

8.  Went on a wonderful road trip to Ithaca with friends where we rented a house, hiked, and swam in waterfalls.  It was really awesome.  I'm so glad I went.  It was beautiful and a chance for me to stretch myself in many ways.  I'm also SUPER thankful that a new friend of mine made the wise decision not to inform of me of all the snakes she saw while we were hiking as she knew this would scare me.  We swam and sat on the top of a waterfall that must have had a 30 foot drop.  We hiked, we slid down a shorter waterfall.  We shared goofy stories, sang at the top of our lungs, opened up our hearts and talked about personal things and laughed and some at times teared up.  It was a very moving trip and it made me believe in the power of community, that it does exist in a stronger way than I feel in my daily life and that people can hold differing experiences, express them and still coexist in a supportive manner.

9.  I continued the opportunity to speak openly with my therapist about the things I miss in our therapeutic relationship.  This may sound easy, but it wasn't because it involved me sharing more information about certain ways I see and judge her based on what I know.  But I think the frustrating experiences I'm having in class are breaking open and strengthening my relationship with her and I think that is a very good thing.

9.  I feel really validated by my coach regarding my feelings/frustrations towards my class and in terms of what/who I'm seeking to surround myself with in my life.

10.  I received a gift certificate Monday morning to one of my favorite stores from someone as a thank you for helping them.  It was a very generous gesture and a nice surprise!

What is something great that has happened in your life recently?

What I seek

(Photo I took at the Shepard Fairey exhibit in NYC in May 2010)

If I tried to put into words what I'm seeking it would sound trite and cliche and I've expressed it here before in many different forms.  What I'm seeking is something intangible, a feeling that once felt will affirm that I have found my home, a home that I built on my own.  This home isn't found in a romantic partner, in my friends, in my work, in my apartment.  This home is found in myself.  I sit at my own altar giving darshan to myself.  I am not equating myself in some arrogant manner to a deity, although it can be argued that each  human being is a spiritual presence here on Earth and a teacher in his or her own right.  I am merely saying that I see myself and am seen by myself, I show up across from myself and sit in my own presence, I bless myself and am blessed by me, I respect myself and learn from the teacher within me.  

I find nowadays I am tired of externally processing things; I wear myself out from doing this.  And I find I am also tired of others externally processing things with me as well, at least those who are just turning and turning the Rubik's Cube that is life over and over, but never making a move and shifting the tiles to create a new design.  In coaching we talk about "leaning into" that which feels good and thus away from that which does not feel good.  What I'm seeking feels greater than just this.  It feels like a complete jump to something different.  What I'm seeking is a conversation at a deeper level with my friends, my family.  What I'm seeking is work that stirs something profound with me.  What I'm seeking is to live in the place of magic that life showcases to us each day.  What I'm seeking is a sense of real community not divided by racial make-up, religious ideals, financial constraints, or professional titles.  I do believe this exists and experienced some of this during my trip to Ithaca in the past week.  The way I see it is I can sit and maintain position in the place of "buts" or "why" or "how could they" or "what do they think of me" and continue to twiddle my thumbs or listen to others who are currently at that place or I could just continue moving and doing.  

I have no interest in being anyone's lifeline and clearly there are people in my life who it feels like utilize the space I hold for them like that.  These people are rarely the people I long to be around and spend tons of time with.  That says something to me.  Today I don't care so much and feel less bothered by others in my life not understanding or checking in to support me on how my life coach training program is going.  I'm keeping tabs on myself and following up with me and right now that is enough.  

This afternoon I had a powerful therapy session, powerful due to the candid conversation we had about our working relationship, what was missing and how we each viewed it.  And as I made my way home I  held the feeling of that conversation close to me.  What I'm seeking is starting to show up in my life.  My coach would say it has been showing up in my life for some time now whether I believe it or not.  

I guess I am able to put into some words what I seek.

What are you seeking? 

"Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."

I love my coach.  It is amazing to me the difference when I come to a call with her emotionally organized so to speak.  I don't just talk and talk with no structure.  I say what I need to say in a compact manner, sharing the information that is essential rather than all the little annoyances that are not important.  And she asks me questions or gives me feedback in a way that is direct and to the point.  I sometimes feel like I shouldn't talk about my work with her in front of others, but I'm no longer going to limit myself because of another.  Writing this makes me think of that Marianne Williamson quote. (Don't run away because of the "child of God" or "glory of God" parts.  You don't have to be religious or believe in God for this quote to strike something in you.)  "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."  This so resonates with me.  I don't fully know why it is that some of us are afraid of success, power, the ability to make things happen, but I know that when I read this quote it settles somewhere inside of me.  If it wasn't so voluminous I would make it art on one of the walls in my apt.  "If you build it they will come"...the famous line from The Field of Dreams...and the Zen proverb "When the pupil is ready to learn, a teacher will appear."  I'm ready and there are a bounty of teachers in my life.

Question

What would my life be like if I only chose to spend time with people who live their lives in a way that resonates with me?  with people who are not overly cynical?  with people who deal with their problems head on instead of always choosing the path of least resistance?  with people who are self-aware instead of sticking their head in the sand?

Question of the week:

What legacy do you want to leave?

To your family
To your kids (if you have kids)
To your community
To the world

Question

Doesn't it seem like there are a lot of crime shows on tv? Cold Case, CSI (multiple editions), Law & Order (all the different spin-offs), and Without a Trace, etc. And doesn't it seem that the violence they show is more graphic now than it used to be, even when they show no action, but a crime scene? Cheryl Richardson wrote in a newsletter once about honoring her spirit and limiting the types of movies she went to go see. Aren't there times you go against your first instinct to see a movie you originally didn't want to see and you walk out thinking why did I do that to myself? Excessive violence on tv or in movies does impact one's spirit. I know people love horror movies, so are those people immune or do their spirits have a higher tolerance for viewing the brutality? It is 5am as I write this and all of a sudden I hear fire truck sirens. It reminds me that when we turn on the news or read the front page of the newspaper we get our daily share of the violence. Why choose to expose ourselves to it in our entertainment?

Why?

Why is it that women regardless of age have such a hard time stepping up to their brilliance, their beauty, their power? Do men struggle with this?