What I seek

(Photo I took at the Shepard Fairey exhibit in NYC in May 2010)

If I tried to put into words what I'm seeking it would sound trite and cliche and I've expressed it here before in many different forms.  What I'm seeking is something intangible, a feeling that once felt will affirm that I have found my home, a home that I built on my own.  This home isn't found in a romantic partner, in my friends, in my work, in my apartment.  This home is found in myself.  I sit at my own altar giving darshan to myself.  I am not equating myself in some arrogant manner to a deity, although it can be argued that each  human being is a spiritual presence here on Earth and a teacher in his or her own right.  I am merely saying that I see myself and am seen by myself, I show up across from myself and sit in my own presence, I bless myself and am blessed by me, I respect myself and learn from the teacher within me.  

I find nowadays I am tired of externally processing things; I wear myself out from doing this.  And I find I am also tired of others externally processing things with me as well, at least those who are just turning and turning the Rubik's Cube that is life over and over, but never making a move and shifting the tiles to create a new design.  In coaching we talk about "leaning into" that which feels good and thus away from that which does not feel good.  What I'm seeking feels greater than just this.  It feels like a complete jump to something different.  What I'm seeking is a conversation at a deeper level with my friends, my family.  What I'm seeking is work that stirs something profound with me.  What I'm seeking is to live in the place of magic that life showcases to us each day.  What I'm seeking is a sense of real community not divided by racial make-up, religious ideals, financial constraints, or professional titles.  I do believe this exists and experienced some of this during my trip to Ithaca in the past week.  The way I see it is I can sit and maintain position in the place of "buts" or "why" or "how could they" or "what do they think of me" and continue to twiddle my thumbs or listen to others who are currently at that place or I could just continue moving and doing.  

I have no interest in being anyone's lifeline and clearly there are people in my life who it feels like utilize the space I hold for them like that.  These people are rarely the people I long to be around and spend tons of time with.  That says something to me.  Today I don't care so much and feel less bothered by others in my life not understanding or checking in to support me on how my life coach training program is going.  I'm keeping tabs on myself and following up with me and right now that is enough.  

This afternoon I had a powerful therapy session, powerful due to the candid conversation we had about our working relationship, what was missing and how we each viewed it.  And as I made my way home I  held the feeling of that conversation close to me.  What I'm seeking is starting to show up in my life.  My coach would say it has been showing up in my life for some time now whether I believe it or not.  

I guess I am able to put into some words what I seek.

What are you seeking?