sometimes it is okay to cry....

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If I could find an hour later today I wanted to go get a manicure and pedicure, but seeing as how my hand nail-biting resumed tonight (don't worry I don't bite my toenails!) there is nothing left for the nail technicians to manicure.

I could sit here and tell you how awful my class practicum turned out last night and how terrible my instructor's response was to me or how she then later posted in the online class forum her after thoughts and specifically singled me out and named me in the post.  I could tell you how I read this and warm tears from somewhere deep inside me started to fall down my cheeks, but what's the point.  who cares anymore.  i would say maybe i'm not as smart or good at this as i thought i was (for some reason as i just wrote that a tear appeared and ran down my right cheek) except somewhere deep within me i don't believe that.  i could sit and analyze why last night's in-class performance sucked or why the instructor treated me the way she did, but i just don't care anymore.  i'm too tired to care.  

I tried to start this paragraph saying let's instead talk about the new Top Chef season or the fact that White Collar is back or my love for the new show The Real L Word, but as I started to write the tears came.  it sucks when your instructor singles you out in front of everyone and is critical of your performance only in front of 47 other people.  I felt hurt.  The thing is I don't even feel really embarrassed or ashamed by my struggling in my in-class performance with the assignment...part of the assignment is to be okay with sucking.  i just feel whatever it is one feels when someone points out your flaws in front of everyone around you.  i'm an emotional person, but i don't remember the last time i've cried like this where your head hurts afterwards.  

So let's talk about something fun.  I could tell you about how I went to buy some clothes for my upcoming trip and how I learned yet again all about how the tighter the jeans (translation: if you can't breathe in them) BUY THEM!  There is a whole education I'm learning now about how to dress to accentuate my body type.  Yes, I did really use the word accentuate which I know is from another era and makes me sound like I'm interior designing something.

I finally framed a number of prints I had and am really looking forward to hanging them in my apt.  this makes me feel really good cause it personalizes my home.

the next two months are filling up with numerous plans and trips.  it is really truly wonderful.  

i'm putting together a trip for myself to go see people and places that move me, that stir that good place deep inside of me.

i bought a bikini...well sorta.  go me.

i realized that this continual expectation i place on my friends to be there for me has a lot to do with my lack of a romantic partner....and maybe that is something i'm really seeking.

before class last night i had pulled an all nighter and then spent many hours the next day as well reading the online forum posts and asking questions and commenting on some of the things people posted, basically overcoming the distance and disengagement i was feeling and engaging and participating more.

my late night snack tonight was munchos, cape cod potato chips, gummy bears, rolos and coca-cola.  and yes i ate them all one right after the other.  and yes i was emotional eating.

i just realized too that i took a big step and went out on a limb at the beginning of class and stated a WIG I have.  WIG stands for Wildly Improbable Goal, something that seems out of reach, a dream.  I've only told my coach about this dream, no one else.  And I opened up and put it out there.  Talk about sharing, feeling vulnerable and then having someone jump all over you while being exposed.

there is hiking, canoeing, kayaking, hanging out with awesome people in my immediate future

i ask good questions in class that show that i've done my homework and actively am thinking about the material.  

top chef is not as engaging this season.  last season there were a number of strong, cutting edge, amazing chefs with integrity.  this season there are a number of chefs that don't seem that strong, a few in the middle and two that are consistently great.  makes for a boring season.  but eric ripert is a permanent judge.  i love him.

white collar is back baby!  it started again on tuesday night and picked up a few months after the last major cliffhanger.  matt bomer is hot hot hot.  the first episode back was fun.  how can you not fall in love with mozzie.  and what the heck was that in the last minute of the episode?!  if you are looking for a fun show i highly recommend it.  

the real l word is great as well.  i love it.  i never watched the l word.  i don't know why because i loved the american version of queer as folk.  to this day i argue that the best role gale harold has ever played is brian kinney.  Even though that show definitely weakened in as it was coming to an end there were SO many great storylines that grabbed me and my roommate that used to watch it back in the day.  The last episode of the first season...i can still picture the last few minutes scene by scene set to music with no dialogue.  if those scenes don't move you then man you have no heart.  but somehow i never felt pulled into the original l word and so rarely watched it.  made by the same creator of the l world, the real l word is a reality series set in LA following the lives of 6 lesbians.  forgive them their cheesy LA intro and the palm trees in the marketing materials and it is actually an interesting show.  although dreadlock whitney is ridiculous.  sorry whitney, but seriously after watching yourself on tv even you must be able to see how not cool you've been to ALL the women you involved with.

although i read reality steve's blog and know the outcome and the foolishness of the bachelorette on abc i still watch the damn show like a fool.  ugh.  it is ridiculous.  enough said.

i is what i is.  even if others don't see it i see it.  i is something.