I wish I had an image that captured the magical quality that I feel weaving its thread connecting my days.  I am mesmerized by this image.  Something about it is pure and clean and alive.  When you take a step off of the path you're bumbling along and step onto the path your inner voice is ushering you towards it feels like your lungs open up and you can breathe deeper...I feel freer.  There are things I want to write here, but I'm too scared to utter the whispers inside me out loud.  I can't seem to get this post started so today is just going to be a list of things I'm celebrating for myself.  Before lifting off you have to get all your gear in order right?  That is how I see these things.

1.  I contacted a classmate of mine with whom I'm not having the optimal experience.  I've been avoiding dealing with this situation, putting it off for a few weeks.  I could have easily sent an email and walked away, but I didn't feel that behavior had any integrity in it.  So I called her and presented to her how I was feeling.  She was receptive to hearing it and we spoke again a few days later.  I think the conversation was an example and exercise in honesty and integrity in an emotionally intimate situation.  I owned my part in our dynamic and took responsibility for what I did that offended her.  I would write more here, but I feel that isn't respectful of the private conversation she and I had.  We're going to speak again this weekend and hopefully finish up clearing the space and move forward.  I am cautiously optimistic about things at this point.  And I'm proud of myself for taking a step towards fear instead of running away from it as I easily could have done.

2.  Scent can have such a powerful effect on my mood.  Last year a friend introduced me to Fresh.  I picked up a free sample of their Sugar fragrance and was hooked.  I love wearing it.  It smells clean and inviting without being overpowering.

3.  Last week I had practicum training for my course.  I was dreading this call as it was being taught by the instructor who I felt humiliated by in the past.  Personally I wish someone would time how many minutes she speaks and how many minutes students get to speak cause it seems like she does A LOT of talking even though we're the ones who are supposed to be coaching.  Anyway, I didn't have to perform that day.  Despite she and I being like oil and water I asked questions when they arose.  Her answers were always the same spiel over and over.  I swear..do they say memorize this speech and just keep repeating it and people will believe you?

At the end of the call a peer opened up about a fear she had in starting her business.  The instructor responded and then I jumped in (ever the instructor) and said hey..this is just an idea so you can take it or leave it, but how about when you take that next step that you're scared of taking you tell us in the class message boards so that we can celebrate your success.  This was received well by the instructor and the student.  A few days later I received an email from this peer thanking me for supporting her.  It was nice to get that I have to say.  It is the first email I have received from any student in class.

4.  Last week I happened to be in the neighborhood where Basis is located.  So I decided to stop in personally to restart my subscription.  I asked them to add yogurt to my order and all of a sudden I found myself being given containers and containers of free yogurt from different creameries.  I spent some time talking to the people there who were telling me more about how Basis is expanding and then took my yogurt, blueberries, and plums home.  I never expected stopping by would result in all these goodies coming home with me.

5.  A few weeks ago while at Borders 4 blocks from my place I noticed that Chris Guillebeau was scheduled to speak in September.  I recently posted something about how sometimes being the non-conformist sucks cause it means I'm alone.  And then I saw the title of the book Chris was in New York to promote: The Art of Non-Conformity.  So I got off my butt and went to see Chris speak.  If you like to travel, or if you don't like adhering to the status quo way of life, or if you are trying to set up a small business read Chris' blog.

6.  Jonathan Fields introduced Chris at the book signing and shared a concept called the Zillion Sum Game that Jonathan Unger had shared with him in conversation.  This concept is a counterpoint to the scary idea that life is a zero sum game.  It lined up with some things in my class so I was excited to learn more about it.  To no avail.  So I befriended Jonathan Fields on Facebook and asked him directly about it.  To which he responded that he had just written a blog post about this very topic.  I shared this link in the class forum.  How many students responded?  1.  1 frickin student.  And the head of the program responded.  They both loved the concept and totally agreed that it was in line with what we were learning.  As for the other 50 or so people...whatever.

7.  A friend shared a story about someone from my past.  It was unexpected and I was a little surprised to hear it.  Like a wound that is healing it pressed on that place slightly and yet it didn't hurt as much as it used to.  Something about the story released me.  I haven't fixated on it as I would have before.  I'm thankful not to have that presence in my life anymore.

8.  I returned home on Tuesday to see a No Parking sign attached to the street sign right outside my building informing us that one of my favorite shows White Collar was going to be filming here.  Awesome!  I was excited.  So at 5am I went downstairs to investigate, but there were only a few people setting up.  At noon I went outside to discover signs leading to the set.  They were shooting in the parking lot area of the former Tavern on the Green.  I saw most of the cast, but almost missed seeing Matt Bomer because for once he was dressed in jeans.  They were just rehearsing and the sun was blazing so I stayed for a few minutes and left.  It was somewhat boring actually.  And yes Matt Bomer is cute in person.

If you watch the show you know that this week was the final episode until January and the cliffhanger was sad.  If you haven't seen the finale episode stop reading here.  SPOILER ALERT:  Obviously Mozzie getting shot cannot end his life.  Willie Garson's character adds the comic relief to this show and he makes a great sidekick from the criminal part of Neal's life.  Here is a 2 minute clip of Willie Garson talking about working with Matt Bomer.

7.  I cleaned out my fridge (it was not as scary as I thought...well, except for the crisper drawer!) and cleaned and chopped and bagged all of my Basis deliveries.  What a relief.  It was so easy to just come home the next day and start cooking.  I discovered after cooking last night that I'm a fan of purple potatoes, patty pan squash and still not a fan of eggplant.

8.  Every article of clothing that sat in the ever-growing pile on the floor in my apartment has been washed.  I never thought I had a lot of clothes, but apparently I do as I can go for a long time wearing clean clothes while the laundry basket fills up.

9.  I went through the binders we were sent for class page-by-page.  There are a number of personal exercises in there which aren't bad.  There is also a lot of FILLER material which is crap in my opinion as they are just excerpts from the books we were required to purchase and read anyway.  Lame with a capital L.

10.  This summer I saw the work of Rawtoastdesign at the Renegade Craft Fair in Brooklyn.  One print in particular struck me, but in an effort to be fiscally conservative I did not purchase it.  I was recently looking at the print on the artist's website and thinking about it again.  And then on Facebook a few days later the artist Jesse Kuhn wrote about a project he was asking for our support on.  If we voted for a particular school on Facebook in some contest to receive funding and sent him a screen shot of this we could pick out a free print from his store!!!!  Done and Done!  Awesome.  You can check out his prints for sale here.

11.  A blogger whose site I've followed for a few years and whose art sits framed next to my bed on my bookcase is coming to NYC is a few weeks.  I may have the opportunity to meet her...if I can get out of my dumb class on time.  (Last week class ran over by 40 minutes!)  If you want to read a blog that has gorgeous images and writing and whereupon reading it from start to finish you witness one woman's journey, transformation, healing, grieving, moving forward click here.

12.  Had powerful sessions with both my therapist and my coach.  For the first time in as long as I can remember they both told me they were proud of me.  I'm glad in a world where everyone is too self-absorbed (me included) to really sit and consider another's situation that someone seems to be really seeing me.

this post needs a title

(Photo I took at the Mr. Brainwash ICONS exhibit in NYC in May 2010)

I'm whatever the stage is between tired and exhausted

My back is starting to tighten up

Worried tomorrow I will be in pain and unable to bend again

Weekend was tiring physically and emotionally

My energy tank is pretty depleted

Don't have much to give to some

The minute someone verbally vomits all their business on me

I excuse myself and exit the conversation

And then I stop talking to them

Need this for myself right now

I know what burnout feels like, having experienced it more than once in my professional life

And what I'm feeling is I just realized starting to echo some of that

I have nothing left to give

so please go talk your endless spiel somewhere else.

I no longer have patience anymore to hear it for the umpteenth time

I don't say that from a rude place;  I say that from a place of request because

I just can't...not won't...I just can't hear it anymore

It depletes me in a way that is detrimental more now than it seemed in the past

Class is whittling me down to my bare essentials and I can't be responsible for whittling that away

Had the most intricate dream today...realized I have had this dream before...it is a mystery playing out and for the first time I can remember there is not one person in this dream I know.  It is like watching a movie.  Interesting...

Got a present from a 5 year old today...how cool is that.  So I put it up on my fridge and put the cd into my computer and listened to it to help motivate me to unpack.  Anyone know how to play a WMA file?  VLC and Quicktime wouldn't play it.

Yesterday I asked someone I know a question.  She responded with too much information and information that given our roles in each other's lives was not appropriate.  I stated this and was met with well anyway, and was then blown off.  This conversation has stayed with me.  And I realized no wonder I feel ineffective in my own life.  For all of my life I have been verbally stating what I needed, or what my boundaries were and those requests and statements have rarely (if ever) been honored.  I've learned throughout my life that what I want, what I ask for, what my dreams are...they really and truly don't matter because for most of my growing up I never ever had a voice in my own life.  Thinking back on my adolescence I find this sad because actually I think I was a kid with a pretty good head on my shoulders, but my inner voice...my confidence was always beaten down cause my actions were never truly supported by certain key individuals.

Don't know whether to take the full refund I was offered and drop this course.  I thought no, then yes, but after my coaching session yesterday am thinking I should stick it out.

Have a homework assignment due to the creator of the course today.  Have no interest at all in doing it.

Felt so drained after this past weekend that yesterday morning while flying back I went to email my class partners to bail out of our weekly call last night.  As I was writing the email I received an email from one of the partners saying she had to cancel, but the other partner and I should proceed.  Given how draining I find these calls I sent an email saying I too couldn't make it.  I need a break.

PBJ and I had a long talk today about dropping the class and the advantages and disadvantages.  We tried to do a body compass reading to get some information in a different way, but I couldn't access a good feeling so we dropped it.  This is the second time in the last week this has happened.  It made me wonder if these stressful experiences in class are deepening my depression.

I was asked today what is the worst thing that would happen if today I made the decision I was going to live the life I wanted to live.  I couldn't come up truly with an answer that hit home cause all I could think is what's the point?  What's the point anymore to all this?  To trying to change?  To going through this class?  To fixing my finances?  To working again on the same friendships that really never change markedly?  I've been this way for some time.  I feel like I'm facing more than one of my places of inertia all at once and that in most ways I'm alone in this experience.  When do I get to have an experience that makes me happy?

I made it such a big deal when I signed up for this course cause I felt it was a big deal.  But now like a balloon I have slowly deflated over time.  Even now I don't feel much excited about my call Wednesday with the famous creator of the program.  I like listening to her talk, but the calls themselves aren't that interesting.

I can't do the deep work that I was hoping to do in this program if I'm always stuck in the raw emotions that get stirred up like anger or frustration.  And now that those emotions have subsided from their high points over the last few weeks I just feel tired a lot.  It is draining to go through all that.  And yet again I have another experience where I have no appropriate place to voice my anger.  Nothing is going to change about this program.  It is taught to a particular type of person I think and I'm not that type.  I don't care to drink the Kool-Aid.

Just looked up my homework due tomorrow and it is easy and I can do it on my own.  I realize now that I don't find much of what MB says in these class videos as stimulating as I thought I would.  That's a little disappointing now that I realize this.

Have to come up with fill in the blanks this week to "What is the point to..." for my coaching appt next week.

Limiting beliefs

I went to sleep before midnight last night.  Miracles do happen apparently.  And now I'm up and awake again.  I don't know what this sleeping in shifts business is about.  I suspect this is some part of me--my unconscious, sub-conscious--trying to sabotage me getting back to a normal schedule where I sleep at night and work during the day.  I haven't had that consistently for more than a few weeks in the last few years and something within me fights it.  I think I feel like I've started to literally crash up against myself.  I'm a stubborn person.  One of my limiting beliefs is I'm difficult.  I am very particular (or discerning if I want to put a "positive" spin on it) about who I take my advice from.  I interviewed at least 8 people (maybe more...I can't remember more than 8 women off the top of my head) before choosing a coach.  I ditched the first therapist I had after moving to New York.  As I told her this was our last session years ago she told me I want you to think about how you're just cutting off our work together so abruptly.  I don't remember how I responded, but I knew she wasn't for me.  Any woman who is close to my age and tells me to imagine my 7 year old self sitting in front of me and asks me what I would want to say to my 7 year old self despite my telling her I find this hokey and am not doing it is not the therapist for me.  (On a similar but side note, just as any man who tells me volunteering is not worth it cause time is money is not for me.)  Another limiting belief of mine is I'm not an easy person to deal with.  (I went back and reread this post after publishing it and realize this limiting belief is the same as the I'm difficult one above, but I'll leave it in.)  And I wonder how this is playing out in my relationship in class with my partners.  Sometimes I feel like I'm doing all this self-exploration in therapy and coaching and I suspect some of the other people in class aren't in the same way and why do they hold it together and not end up 2 months into class writing long posts expressing their lack of satisfaction.  Why was I not born with or how did I never develop that buffer that is SO important I think to getting along in life?  

I'm so very tired of hearing people's excuses and rationalizations for why they aren't doing or rather why they are doing what they are doing in their lives (after all, every action...even no action is a choice we make).  I have zero patience anymore for it.  I can hear it when I'm making an excuse to a friend about why I didn't do such and such thing and I don't like it.  At the end of the day I suspect it is all rather simple.  If you want a relationship, to buy a home, to get married, to have a baby, to change careers, to improve your relationship with your parents/friends/siblings/spouse/kids/pets, or to move abroad, just do it.  Make a plan for yourself and do it.  I always think figuring out one's motivations is important, identifying what currently keeps you from said goal, outlining a plan, brainstorming with friends/family/therapist/coach/religious leader on this plan to get feedback from those you trust, and then executing.  Execution will show you what in the plan is working and not working, then you readjust, pick up and continue on.  I suspect (of course barring for other circumstances such as children, spouse, lack of financial ability, etc....not small things obviously....serious considerations) that this is really how simple it is.  And this coming from the woman who in the last week stated how complicated I've always felt my life is.  

I notice now how I'm changing.  Where in the past I would complain about someone and be stuck in that complaining when I do that now I think to myself I'm doing this instead of dealing with it or I'm just feeling angry or upset and at times being a little irrational about the situation...this isn't a big deal.  I know another limiting belief of mine is that I don't seriously date anymore because I believe I will get into a relationship and become a dependent woman whose self-esteem is wrapped up in the man and the relationship and I will forget about myself and become very insecure.  This is how it has usually been in my past history and I'm a little too scared now to dip my toe in the water.  The last time around I was blind and it took me a long time and a lot of pain to see the reality of who the other person was and the situation.

Does anyone else go through hitting these walls of themselves because I feel like I don't see this in others?  Why does it feel like I'm the only person trying to conquer and change a number of things in my life while others around me talk about work, family, spouse, kids, etc.?  And why does it feel like when I'm talking to certain people who are asking about my life in explaining what I'm struggling with I sound a lot more complicated than they understand?  Don't people think about their lives deeply?  Is this saying that I am overcomplicating things?  And is the "ignorance is bliss" perspective or stopping your exploration at a particular level better?  If I know I'm not the only person working on themselves then why is it that I seem to be the one having such a hard time with it when I think I'm pretty honest with myself?  (Even about the scariest things that I don't talk about here as they are really personal...in my head the internal monologue goes something like...this class Samosas is not a big deal...you're doing it...you're showing up every week for the calls.  Why aren't you doing a, b, c?  Why aren't you pushing yourself in this way and that way?  You know exactly what you could be doing to get more out of the class even if you wish the experience were different, you know you could get something out of it so let's do it.  You've already gotten through 25% of it, only 6 more months to go.  You're allowing your frustrations with this class to expand into your entire life.  It isn't a serious issue.  The more serious things are a, b, c...things I feel are too personal to talk about here at this moment.)  But people don't discuss these fears I think.  In my experience it takes a specific mix for people to talk...really close friendships, support groups, a weekend away with girlfriends.  Just like in this country I feel like the discussion about the realities of motherhood and pregnancy are only discussed behind closed doors and in public everyone is all smiles and telling you how great it is.  Some of my close friends aren't seeking community.  I am.  Clearly.  Hence my ongoing frustrations I used to express here about my friends.  I realize now that our goals are different.  I find it interesting that the woman who I feel the closest to and who I feel is the most supportive of me lives 2842 miles away from me and has a life full of completely different circumstances than my own.  Today I was thinking about how the two women in this city that I see as my closest friends are women whose priorities in how they run their lives leave little room for the type of community feel I'm seeking here.  This is by no means any judgment or diss on them.  In the past I would have felt slighted, but now I don't.  They are beautiful and wonderful women and I care for them deeply, but to say I feel any sense of community from them in our daily NY lives would be untrue.  

Last week during my coaching session my coach said to me that people are too busy in their lives to see anyone else, and much less to take the time to reflect on how another person (in this case me) may be going through a challenging time.  I responded telling her I think that is fucking lame.  Yes, I actually said that.  She knew I was just being honest and possibly there is much for me to learn in this area, but I still believe what I said last week...this is fucking lame.  And this is now how I want to live my life.  I am not perfect, but I think with some people I remember when someone has a doctor's visit that was stressing them out, or a job interview, or a tough conversation with a partner, etc. and follow up to give support or see how it went.  Do I do it always?  Nope.  But I do it a lot more than the people around me do it for me I still believe.  Sometimes I just snap like last night where I continually set a boundary with a friend and she continually kept ignoring it.  So I told her something I have been feeling for a long time very bluntly and she wanted more information and she wanted me to answer this question about her life and that question and I just couldn't do it.  NONE of this was about me.  This was all her own stuff she needs to work through and I AM NOT her therapist.  So I encouraged her to make an appointment with her therapist repeatedly and heard excuse after excuse and I just couldn't take it.  And I finally disengaged from the conversation and now have set an even stricter boundary with her because I have very little these days to give certain people.  The energy givers I can be with.  The energy drainers, the self absorbees, the bitters, the negative naysayers are all falling to the wayside.  My spirit just cannot take them anymore.  Am I unwilling to work through these things with them?  I'm a little willing, but I won't initiate this undertaking cause that is what it always is...a MAJOR undertaking.  But usually they don't initiate working through anything for reasons unknown to me and not worth racking my brain at this late hour about.  Or as I've experienced recently they talk about me behind my back to people about their issues with me and when they see me they cannot have an earnest conversation about any of it.  Instead they avoid the issues altogether or try to put me down jokingly.  Next.  Done.  Over.  I have no time in my life anymore for this immature bullshit.  Because that is all it is.  Immaturity and BS.  They want to live their lives that way...all the power to them.  But I will not allow them to pull me into their crap.  Even amidst my struggles, my backtracking, days without any movement it feels like, screw-ups and missteps, lots of tears, overall I'm getting cleaner internally and I'm in a better place than I was 3 months ago, a year ago, 2 years ago, etc.  If you can't meet me in this space I'm in to celebrate my successes and me yours, to be supportive and receive support from me, to have fun and laugh then please go away.  You are not needed in my life.

I think I'm scared that I might be bad at this coaching thing.  Maybe I place myself above people to keep myself safe?  I have not been satisfied or excited about any educational experience I've had in the last 8 years (NYU graduate school, NYU Continuing Ed, The New School, and now this class).  Obviously the common thread in all these experiences is me so I have to figure out why.  I always place myself above everyone and then complain incessantly about this or that in class.  The process here has been similar, but I know is changing too.  I see it in myself.  I was never as smart as the people I was surrounded by in college.  Or when I was capable my lack of confidence and anxiety or feeling isolated really got in the way of me working up to my full potential.  I usually just got done what I could...having done some of the reading and having usually only the night separating me and the deadline.  Sometimes I didn't even do that much.  A friend who is older and another younger said to me in the last year how they don't understand blogging and they think people are too open about their lives nowadays.  This thought just occurred to me and I thought I've fought for so long to hear my own voice, to believe in it and my right to have it and express it that I can never go back now and hide in the rabbit hole again.  Sometimes that is what this class, the Indian community, daily society feels like to me.  Everyone puts on their good girl face or most women are just good girls so to speak and no one can ever admit there are cracks in the veneer.  Leonard Cohen sings in Anthem "Ring the bells that still can ring.  Forget your perfect offering.  There is a crack in everything.  That's how the light gets in."

I've come to remind myself of something in the past week.  Although I have yet to find a community (or tribe as is the term in class) in this class I have SO MANY...what is the word...leads, seeds, saplings of community around me.  I just have to follow them, engage with them and try.  There are wonderful blogs on my blogroll that intrigue me.  There are two specific women whose writing intrigues the fear part of me in a good way.  They both live abroad, but one is actually coming to New York soon to conduct a workshop.  And there are bloggers whose words I read, who I communicate with and feel a connection to and I know I will meet some of them starting in the next few months.  (Why...why can't I feel this way when I read or hear what my classmates or instructors say in class?)  There are a number of Meetup groups whose activities populate my iCal automatically; I just have to go and check them out.  There are some wonderful people on my Facebook page whose coaching work offers some unique opportunities that I could engage in.  And there are a number of organizations in New York that I've been following whose events I can attend.  Truth is if I had to make a vision board or just write a list of all the things that I've wanted to do but haven't done yet it would be a pretty good starting place for imbuing my life with joy and connecting me deeper with myself through the things I love to do.

Good stuff happening...

I keep keeping on today despite my bad lower back pain.  I'm feeling a little determined to not allow this pain to ruin my getting things done today and I'm determined not to respond as usual by just letting the day get away from me and stewing in my physical discomfort.  I have some exciting news to report.  Well, come to think of it you may not think it is exciting, but it is exciting to me.  

1.  I have a doctor's appointment this week just to get my annual check up.  Well, it is convenient that I made this appointment weeks ago cause now I can talk to her about my back pain.  But I'm really glad that I finally made an appt. with the doctor for a regular check up and am getting more conscious about taking care of my health.

2.  I went and bought patches, creams, etc. for my back and have been using them.  In addition, I've been taking medicine to counteract the pain.  This makes me happy because in the past I've been slow to respond or do anything and I just whined about it and didn't do much to help it go away faster.  What a bad sentence that was.  Too tired to change it now.

3.  In the last three days I've been eating tons of bok choy and plums and tomatoes.  Yes, I got my Basis delivery of fruits and veggies.  Have to figure out what I'm cooking for dinner tonight.  I've also been eating some bad stuff like Munchos, Ruffles, and Milano cookies.  What?!  Change takes awhile.  :)

4.  When I reached out to my partners in class asking for their thoughts on whether we ought to be working together more as this is what the instructors recommend every week I never heard back as I think the partners were both away for a few days.  So I tried again instead of getting mad and giving up. They responded and we had a call this week.  To be honest it was just ok.  I think they are wonderful, nice, smart women.  But I just don't click with them.  I continue to be disappointed by this.  At one point I mentioned that I am thinking of not becoming a coach anymore and one responded saying I sound "discouraged."  Duh.  And yet there were no words of encouragement given.  That is fine because I get that from other places.  But I know that were the roles reversed I would have given that encouragement to them because when they have been discouraged I have always made it a point to step up and provide support.  And I've even followed that support up with an email after.  So maybe something about me turns them off, maybe I'm too harsh or blunt for them, or too critical about class, but frankly I like my style a lot more than their style.  One of the other partners told us something which clearly sounds like a conflict of interest and we pointed that out to her in a joking manner and started laughing.  She seemed to get instantly defensive.  I thought later about emailing her to make sure she wasn't offended by our responses, but then I realized I would just be doing that to be nice, not because I truly cared so I decided against it.  Why feed into her hypersensitiveness?  If she has an issue she can raise it with me.  She has shown in the past she struggles to raise things and I have had to raise them for her.  Screw that.  That is her business, I have my own business to work on.

5.  Finally burned my first DVD of home movies and gave it to my parents.

6.  Have decided to stay in my current apartment and renew my lease.  Now just have to get the guts to ask for some of the changes I want made to the apartment.

7.  Realized today while thinking about where I was when I started working with my therapist and where I am/we are today in our work together.  I wonder why more people don't go to therapy.

8.  Slowly pushing myself little by little to reorganize my place.  

9.  Opening up more and more about the real fears and anxieties I have.  I think this is the way to walk through them and leave them behind me.

10.  3 friends of mine in the last week told me they think I'm going to be a good coach.  We weren't talking about coaching, I didn't ask them for feedback, they just randomly said it to me in the middle of a conversation about other topics.  Unbeknownst to them for the last two weeks I've started to think that maybe I'm not going to be a coach professionally as my experiences in class have been disappointing and frustrating so it was interesting to hear this from them.

What I seek

(Photo I took at the Shepard Fairey exhibit in NYC in May 2010)

If I tried to put into words what I'm seeking it would sound trite and cliche and I've expressed it here before in many different forms.  What I'm seeking is something intangible, a feeling that once felt will affirm that I have found my home, a home that I built on my own.  This home isn't found in a romantic partner, in my friends, in my work, in my apartment.  This home is found in myself.  I sit at my own altar giving darshan to myself.  I am not equating myself in some arrogant manner to a deity, although it can be argued that each  human being is a spiritual presence here on Earth and a teacher in his or her own right.  I am merely saying that I see myself and am seen by myself, I show up across from myself and sit in my own presence, I bless myself and am blessed by me, I respect myself and learn from the teacher within me.  

I find nowadays I am tired of externally processing things; I wear myself out from doing this.  And I find I am also tired of others externally processing things with me as well, at least those who are just turning and turning the Rubik's Cube that is life over and over, but never making a move and shifting the tiles to create a new design.  In coaching we talk about "leaning into" that which feels good and thus away from that which does not feel good.  What I'm seeking feels greater than just this.  It feels like a complete jump to something different.  What I'm seeking is a conversation at a deeper level with my friends, my family.  What I'm seeking is work that stirs something profound with me.  What I'm seeking is to live in the place of magic that life showcases to us each day.  What I'm seeking is a sense of real community not divided by racial make-up, religious ideals, financial constraints, or professional titles.  I do believe this exists and experienced some of this during my trip to Ithaca in the past week.  The way I see it is I can sit and maintain position in the place of "buts" or "why" or "how could they" or "what do they think of me" and continue to twiddle my thumbs or listen to others who are currently at that place or I could just continue moving and doing.  

I have no interest in being anyone's lifeline and clearly there are people in my life who it feels like utilize the space I hold for them like that.  These people are rarely the people I long to be around and spend tons of time with.  That says something to me.  Today I don't care so much and feel less bothered by others in my life not understanding or checking in to support me on how my life coach training program is going.  I'm keeping tabs on myself and following up with me and right now that is enough.  

This afternoon I had a powerful therapy session, powerful due to the candid conversation we had about our working relationship, what was missing and how we each viewed it.  And as I made my way home I  held the feeling of that conversation close to me.  What I'm seeking is starting to show up in my life.  My coach would say it has been showing up in my life for some time now whether I believe it or not.  

I guess I am able to put into some words what I seek.

What are you seeking? 

"Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure."

I love my coach.  It is amazing to me the difference when I come to a call with her emotionally organized so to speak.  I don't just talk and talk with no structure.  I say what I need to say in a compact manner, sharing the information that is essential rather than all the little annoyances that are not important.  And she asks me questions or gives me feedback in a way that is direct and to the point.  I sometimes feel like I shouldn't talk about my work with her in front of others, but I'm no longer going to limit myself because of another.  Writing this makes me think of that Marianne Williamson quote. (Don't run away because of the "child of God" or "glory of God" parts.  You don't have to be religious or believe in God for this quote to strike something in you.)  "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."  This so resonates with me.  I don't fully know why it is that some of us are afraid of success, power, the ability to make things happen, but I know that when I read this quote it settles somewhere inside of me.  If it wasn't so voluminous I would make it art on one of the walls in my apt.  "If you build it they will come"...the famous line from The Field of Dreams...and the Zen proverb "When the pupil is ready to learn, a teacher will appear."  I'm ready and there are a bounty of teachers in my life.

What I've been up to...

Hello dear blog:

Sorry that I have been neglecting you.  I have been busy getting a lot of things done and trying my hand at some new things.  I have thought of you often and written you letters in my head, but then at the end of the day when I sit down to write have not felt the compulsion to do so.  I think partly I wonder dear blog who really reads you.  And also more and more I am yearning to find what I want in front of me and not just through blog-land.  I should make a list of all the new and fun things I've been doing since December 30th of 2009.  Let me see if I can remember:

1.  Started running this week.  Don't fall over in the chair you're sitting in right now.  You did actually read the word "running," although right now it is a combo of running and walking.  Feeling some apprehension at all the people who have invited me to run with them.  How does one run with someone and talk to them at the same time??  I can barely run by myself.  Right now I just run by myself and count to pace myself and notice things like how men should not wear running tights cause it doesn't disguise their ahem...anatomy so well.  The running tights and casual pants I bought from Lululemon are so comfortable.  I love them both.

2.  Went to the Whitney Museum of American Art for the first time to see the Georgia O'Keeffe exhibition.  It was beautiful.  I wanted to wrap myself up in the colors she used in her paintings. 

3.  Saw author and former lawyer Dan Pink speak at Barnes & Noble.  He is funny.  I really like the video that he posted on his blog recently.

Two questions that can change your life from Daniel Pink on Vimeo.

4.  Finally after much hunting found some beautiful Compendium books I wanted and bought them at Therapie New York which I discovered to be a lovely store for household essentials and movie tickets as well.  Plus the owner or manager of the place gave me a bunch of free samples and a free journal...which I had totally forgotten about until this moment and is now going in my bag to be used for a project I am working on! 

5.  FINALLY framed all my photographs and artwork.  Now I just have to hang them.

6.  Took a chance and met up with an acquaintance from college I always wanted to hang out with.  She was the kind of girl I always wanted to be in college.  It was fun for one night, but clearly we're different people.  I'm glad I went though and pushed myself to try something new.  We went to 5 bars and lounges in one night.  It was great to go to a bunch of new places and also a good reminder of why I don't go to some of these places in the first place...cause having a drunk man ask you what your New Year's resolutions are over and over again in a 5 minute period gets old REAL fast...that and having to find a way to politely duck a guy who is trying to hit on you or a guy who is spending a lot of time talking to you when he clearly has a wedding ring on his finger is annoying.  That and not one of the places we went to was interesting enough to go back to a second time...notice how I haven't mentioned any of the places here.

7.  I finally went to The Modern bar at MOMA which I've been wanting to go to for a long time.  The Alsatian Tarte Flambee there is yummy!  I don't normally like bacon, but the combination of creme fraiche, onions, and applewood smoked bacon was good.  So is the Girovita cocktail which is made of Aperol, Apricot Liqueur, Pimm's No. 1, Lemon, Cucumber & Mint..  I recommend it.

8.  Attended SciCafe's series at the American Museum of Natural History for drinks and a short talk on the Mysteries of the Congo.

9.  Enrolled in Susannah's Unravelling e-course on photography and writing...but....haven't actually started it yet.  I KNOW.  I will start it tomorrow I promise.

10.  Paid off a large loan.

11.  Said yes to my cousin to set me up with a guy she knows who looks cute, has hair, and could be interesting.

12.  Attempted to talk to an old college peer based on another college peer's recommendation, but he would like "A 160 IQ model who wants to make me happy."  I don't think I fit that description.  And the sad thing is the woman who was encouraging me to talk to this guy confirmed that he wasn't joking.  He is really looking for this.

13.  Bought and started using a 2010 daily planner.  As a former Type A person who then became someone who had no daily planner, Treo, or Outlook calendar I think this is step back into organization.

14.  Completed all my dentist appointments.  Don't have to go back until my annual cleaning in 3 months.  Yay!

15.  Tried some new restaurants:
Mario Batali's Lupa:  The Pork Shoulder was good.  The pasta with mussels boring and the Flor Prosecco was yummy!  A friend told me the roast chicken there is wonderful as well.  I would eat there again.

Meze Grill:  This place is nothing to write home about.  I had a falafel tonight from here and found it bland and boring.

at65 at Alice Tully Hall:  I think this might be a nice place to grab a cocktail before seeing a performance at Lincoln Center, but the food is underwhelming.  Save your 10 bucks and go eat somewhere else.

Tamarind:  It is so loud here you have to raise your voice to talk to the person sitting next to you.  Ugh.  And there is an air of pretention here that I find out of place.  The night I went there were very few desis there...maybe because some of us find the $4.75 price tag for a naan and their other prices annoying.  But the cocktails were good and some of the food was good, some not impressive, and some downright not good.  If you are going to charge $7 for Imli Rice (Tamarind Rice) it better be good.  They also screwed up the doggie bag situation and gave my vegetarian friends my non-vegetarian leftovers.  Their doggie bag tasted like a vegetable dish of peppers, eggplant, and TONS of mango achar.  I don't love this place as much as other people do.

16.  Realized I actually do have some people in my life that come from similar backgrounds as me that are employed in what I would consider non-traditional careers.  That is good cause now I can start a conversation with these people about this.

17.  Stuck to a boundary I had set with an old flame who tried to re-connect with me by posting on my Facebook wall.  Lame!  I didn't bother acknowledging or responding to what he wrote.

18.  Got a massage for the first time in years.  Discovered that in addition to wanting a quality massage I am unfortunately one of those women who likes the bells and whistles of a nice spa.

19.  Arranged for my parents' 36th wedding anniversary ahead of schedule this year instead of doing it at the 11th hour night before.

20.  Had my iPod looked at finally at the Apple store that opened in my neighborhood.  r.i.p. my iPod.  Having music to run to would be great though.  :(

21.  Started cooking again.  And I watched Julie & Julia which made me want to try to cook some of Julia Child's recipes.

22.  Visited with some old high school friends and parents of a friend of ours who passed away years ago from a chronic illness.

23.  Invited an out of town friend over to help me re-arrange my apartment.  Haven't had anyone over to my apartment in many months.  I'm going to correct this this year.

24.  Took care of an important financial investment in my future that in the past I would have put off doing for months. 

25.  Raised something on a coaching call today that helped me identify one of the things I'm missing and most seeking in 2010.  And as I write this post I realize that I have been writing on here for a long time about how I feel lost, confused, etc., but that I actually have a very good sense of what is important to me about how I want to conduct my life and what my priorities are.

The past week

It has been a busy, fun, adventurous week filled with events for the professional, friend, and love parts of my life.  I thought I would share some of it with you.

I went to meet a friend visiting from out of town at Madiba for South African food.  The company of my friend who I adore, the drinks (Kwaito made of rum, brown sugar, lime seltzer, sprite and fresh lime juice) and the appetizers (they serve samosas with achar instead of chutney) were great.  My roti dish was not so exciting (I felt like they defrosted some version of frozen naan and served me that), but then again what was I expecting ordering roti.  It wasn't going to be like mom's roti! 

Remember I mentioned that I was invited to a free introduction coaching seminar for this company which is headed up by a South Asian coach?  I feel somewhat conflicted about whether to name the company in this forum so at this point I will leave it out.  The reason being of course that this seminar was in my opinion not good and more importantly, NOT authentic.  I believe authenticity is very important in coaching.  As I am considering going into this profession I was interested to see someone of my racial background working in this field, but frankly after sitting through almost two and a half hours with this woman it just reinforced my concerns about this industry.  I learned what I would do differently, the importance of identifying your target audience and that apparently you can make a LOT of money in this field.  I didn't know that before.  She was selling and by selling I mean HARD-selling this weekend program for one weekend a month plus 3 months of small group follow-up coaching for something like $1595.  For all the hours of contact you will get if you break down this price per hour it is probably reasonable compared to other coach's hourly rate.  However, this whole session became like an infomercial where she slashed the price if we signed up that date, etc.  I calculated how much if you average the two prices and multiply that by the number of slots available her company makes every month off of these workshops.  $75,000!  That is a lot of money to make per month with a substandard product.  The coaching she did with the women in the audience wasn't close to amazing.  Amidst some of her suggestions were reading If Life is a Game, Here are the Rules by some author whose name I don't remember and who I don't care to look up or link the url to Amazon or her site.  I think there is a copy of this book at my parents' house.  It is some What I Learned in Kindergarten type of book.  Then she mentioned Deepak Chopra.  When her business partner or friend went to write his name on the board she mispelled it.  Then she raised her hand 5 minutes later to say she mispelled it and spelled it again...mispelling it in another way again.  If you're going to recommend people to read maybe you should at least work on getting their names right, no?  The coach asked if anyone had looked at her website and two of us out of 70 (don't people research things before committing their time to it) raised our hands.  Turned out the first person was a friend of hers so she said that didn't count, then she turned to me and said oh A, I know A.  I quizzically looked at my friend next to me and said she doesn't know me, I've never met or heard of her before.  WTF?  Then when asked by a woman if she was offering any more free sessions as she didn't have the money right now to commit over a thousand dollars, the coach responded saying no cause I can't ignore my paying clients and frankly if you're not ready to pay you're not ready to change your life.  That made me mad.  Women didn't come there to be insulted.  And that comment was so rude.  It was a mess.  This woman needs to work on her own story before trying to coach others.  It was good for me to see another perspective and approach.  I know what I would do differently, what my target audience is, and at least one of the qualities that makes a good coach.  Maybe this is because I have a good coach myself and also because I'm learning I have a very set idea about how I want things done.  There is a way to provide good coaching without ripping people off financially.

A few days later based on a friendly recommendation I attended a workshop by Pamela Slim and Jonathan Fields.  It was the first place I ever said out loud I was thinking of being a coach.  It made me feel a little exposed, labelled and awkward.  I think for me the mere act of going was an action step.  I think this workshop is more for people who have their big idea an need help executing it.  It combined coaching with entrepreneurship and creative marketing.  I'm not doing it justice in that explanation.  I met a few interesting people and I got a copy of each of Pam and Jonathan's books.  I'm going to check out their blogs too.  They seemed like smart people who knew what they were talking about it.

That night I had a date with someone I met online that I was interested to meet.  Our online conversations had been funny and interesting.  I was going in not expecting too much, but then something he asked for specifically made me realize he was excited about the date too and then as the date got closer to happening I realized I was really nervous.  Turns out there was no need to be because the second he showed up I knew I was not physically attracted to him.  I think he lied about his height and he even looked like he weighed less than me (which is saying something since I'm skinny).  If it isn't there it isn't there and I can't force that type of attraction to happen.  He was nice and we had dinner, but I think the lack of interest was mutual.  I think there should be a penalty flag or card in dating just like they have in sports. If you meet the person and know quickly you aren't attracted to him or find that he misrepresented him or herself you should get to play the penalty card or throw down the flag and save time and exit the date.  This is the fifth first date I've been on lately and it is getting old in my opinion.  I've realized some things throughout this process, but I'll save those for another post.

Sunday I had brunch at Recipe which I loved.  I normally don't order eggs when I go out as I have a love-hate relationship with this food from childhood, but the Tomato and Buffalo Mozzarella Tart with basil pesto and black truffle oil, the artichoke and goat cheese omelette and my Nojito (Mojito with no liquor in it) were excellent.  I also finally registered for that UPenn Positive Psychology class taught by Harvard professor Tal-Ben Sharar.  I have to log into it tonight when I get home and start the lectures.

Monday I went to the US Open Women's Doubles Final and the Men's Singles Final.  It was a lot of fun.  I had never been in all my years in NYC.  It was an exciting match as Juan Martin del Potro upset Roger Federer.  We also watched the Williams sisters win the doubles championship.  That wasn't as exciting, except when the announcer tried to ask Serena directly about her outburst the day before and she completely ignored and dodged the question and Venus had to save her.  We also saw Jack Nicholson, Lorne Michaels, the Olsen sisters, Tony Bennett, Bruce Willis, Donald Trump and his wife, Gerard Butler, Former Mayor Dinkins, Christie Brinkley, Regis and Joy Philbin, and a woman from my class in college!  Then we went to Justin Timberlake's Southern Hospitality BBQ to eat and watched the end of the Bills-Patriots football game and the beginning of the Chargers-Raiders game.  I think I watched more sports that night than I have in a year!

Martha Beck

I just bought a ticket to see Dr. Martha Beck speak tomorrow night at the 92nd Street Y! I've always wanted to attend a 92nd Street event. Right after I wrote that post a few days ago about wanting to find people who I can discuss my coaching with I read that Martha Beck was coming to New York to speak. I'm looking forward to it and will report back tomorrow night after the event!

Louise Hay's "You Can Heal Your Life" and Coaching

Today I watched Louise Hay's You Can Heal Your Life. It was interesting. A lot of the language and beliefs are similar with those employed in my coaching. However, when it ended I wanted more from it. I wish they had spoken more about the scientific evidence of the effects of affirmations on rewiring neural pathways. You can watch the trailer below.



I don't have anyone in my life that I talk about my coaching work with and don't feel embarrassed or self-conscious. I even know why this is. It is because of a statement someone I once dated shared with me...that he didn't believe in coaching because what coaches teach is "stuff people should already know." This is why we need to be careful about who we date and who we let into our personal space. Because although he is a good person this thoughtless and ignorant statement is stuck within me and makes me feel ashamed that I have to learn some very basic tools that would have been better to learn when I was younger instead of feeling grateful that I am working on it now. But then I feel like A LOT of people don't have some of these basic tools either, hence the high divorce rate in this country, the inappropriate behaviors people engage in, the lack of respect in relationships, addictions, abuse, etc. And yes I do believe there is some correlation between the two.

I need to find some friends who I can talk with about this, but who aren't so New Age-y or counterculture types that they can't function in mainstream society...people who believe in what coaching has to offer, but also can step back and look at it critically and ask the right questions.