I went to sleep before midnight last night. Miracles do happen apparently. And now I'm up and awake again. I don't know what this sleeping in shifts business is about. I suspect this is some part of me--my unconscious, sub-conscious--trying to sabotage me getting back to a normal schedule where I sleep at night and work during the day. I haven't had that consistently for more than a few weeks in the last few years and something within me fights it. I think I feel like I've started to literally crash up against myself. I'm a stubborn person. One of my limiting beliefs is I'm difficult. I am very particular (or discerning if I want to put a "positive" spin on it) about who I take my advice from. I interviewed at least 8 people (maybe more...I can't remember more than 8 women off the top of my head) before choosing a coach. I ditched the first therapist I had after moving to New York. As I told her this was our last session years ago she told me I want you to think about how you're just cutting off our work together so abruptly. I don't remember how I responded, but I knew she wasn't for me. Any woman who is close to my age and tells me to imagine my 7 year old self sitting in front of me and asks me what I would want to say to my 7 year old self despite my telling her I find this hokey and am not doing it is not the therapist for me. (On a similar but side note, just as any man who tells me volunteering is not worth it cause time is money is not for me.) Another limiting belief of mine is I'm not an easy person to deal with. (I went back and reread this post after publishing it and realize this limiting belief is the same as the I'm difficult one above, but I'll leave it in.) And I wonder how this is playing out in my relationship in class with my partners. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing all this self-exploration in therapy and coaching and I suspect some of the other people in class aren't in the same way and why do they hold it together and not end up 2 months into class writing long posts expressing their lack of satisfaction. Why was I not born with or how did I never develop that buffer that is SO important I think to getting along in life?
I'm so very tired of hearing people's excuses and rationalizations for why they aren't doing or rather why they are doing what they are doing in their lives (after all, every action...even no action is a choice we make). I have zero patience anymore for it. I can hear it when I'm making an excuse to a friend about why I didn't do such and such thing and I don't like it. At the end of the day I suspect it is all rather simple. If you want a relationship, to buy a home, to get married, to have a baby, to change careers, to improve your relationship with your parents/friends/siblings/spouse/kids/pets, or to move abroad, just do it. Make a plan for yourself and do it. I always think figuring out one's motivations is important, identifying what currently keeps you from said goal, outlining a plan, brainstorming with friends/family/therapist/coach/religious leader on this plan to get feedback from those you trust, and then executing. Execution will show you what in the plan is working and not working, then you readjust, pick up and continue on. I suspect (of course barring for other circumstances such as children, spouse, lack of financial ability, etc....not small things obviously....serious considerations) that this is really how simple it is. And this coming from the woman who in the last week stated how complicated I've always felt my life is.
I notice now how I'm changing. Where in the past I would complain about someone and be stuck in that complaining when I do that now I think to myself I'm doing this instead of dealing with it or I'm just feeling angry or upset and at times being a little irrational about the situation...this isn't a big deal. I know another limiting belief of mine is that I don't seriously date anymore because I believe I will get into a relationship and become a dependent woman whose self-esteem is wrapped up in the man and the relationship and I will forget about myself and become very insecure. This is how it has usually been in my past history and I'm a little too scared now to dip my toe in the water. The last time around I was blind and it took me a long time and a lot of pain to see the reality of who the other person was and the situation.
Does anyone else go through hitting these walls of themselves because I feel like I don't see this in others? Why does it feel like I'm the only person trying to conquer and change a number of things in my life while others around me talk about work, family, spouse, kids, etc.? And why does it feel like when I'm talking to certain people who are asking about my life in explaining what I'm struggling with I sound a lot more complicated than they understand? Don't people think about their lives deeply? Is this saying that I am overcomplicating things? And is the "ignorance is bliss" perspective or stopping your exploration at a particular level better? If I know I'm not the only person working on themselves then why is it that I seem to be the one having such a hard time with it when I think I'm pretty honest with myself? (Even about the scariest things that I don't talk about here as they are really personal...in my head the internal monologue goes something like...this class Samosas is not a big deal...you're doing it...you're showing up every week for the calls. Why aren't you doing a, b, c? Why aren't you pushing yourself in this way and that way? You know exactly what you could be doing to get more out of the class even if you wish the experience were different, you know you could get something out of it so let's do it. You've already gotten through 25% of it, only 6 more months to go. You're allowing your frustrations with this class to expand into your entire life. It isn't a serious issue. The more serious things are a, b, c...things I feel are too personal to talk about here at this moment.) But people don't discuss these fears I think. In my experience it takes a specific mix for people to talk...really close friendships, support groups, a weekend away with girlfriends. Just like in this country I feel like the discussion about the realities of motherhood and pregnancy are only discussed behind closed doors and in public everyone is all smiles and telling you how great it is. Some of my close friends aren't seeking community. I am. Clearly. Hence my ongoing frustrations I used to express here about my friends. I realize now that our goals are different. I find it interesting that the woman who I feel the closest to and who I feel is the most supportive of me lives 2842 miles away from me and has a life full of completely different circumstances than my own. Today I was thinking about how the two women in this city that I see as my closest friends are women whose priorities in how they run their lives leave little room for the type of community feel I'm seeking here. This is by no means any judgment or diss on them. In the past I would have felt slighted, but now I don't. They are beautiful and wonderful women and I care for them deeply, but to say I feel any sense of community from them in our daily NY lives would be untrue.
Last week during my coaching session my coach said to me that people are too busy in their lives to see anyone else, and much less to take the time to reflect on how another person (in this case me) may be going through a challenging time. I responded telling her I think that is fucking lame. Yes, I actually said that. She knew I was just being honest and possibly there is much for me to learn in this area, but I still believe what I said last week...this is fucking lame. And this is now how I want to live my life. I am not perfect, but I think with some people I remember when someone has a doctor's visit that was stressing them out, or a job interview, or a tough conversation with a partner, etc. and follow up to give support or see how it went. Do I do it always? Nope. But I do it a lot more than the people around me do it for me I still believe. Sometimes I just snap like last night where I continually set a boundary with a friend and she continually kept ignoring it. So I told her something I have been feeling for a long time very bluntly and she wanted more information and she wanted me to answer this question about her life and that question and I just couldn't do it. NONE of this was about me. This was all her own stuff she needs to work through and I AM NOT her therapist. So I encouraged her to make an appointment with her therapist repeatedly and heard excuse after excuse and I just couldn't take it. And I finally disengaged from the conversation and now have set an even stricter boundary with her because I have very little these days to give certain people. The energy givers I can be with. The energy drainers, the self absorbees, the bitters, the negative naysayers are all falling to the wayside. My spirit just cannot take them anymore. Am I unwilling to work through these things with them? I'm a little willing, but I won't initiate this undertaking cause that is what it always is...a MAJOR undertaking. But usually they don't initiate working through anything for reasons unknown to me and not worth racking my brain at this late hour about. Or as I've experienced recently they talk about me behind my back to people about their issues with me and when they see me they cannot have an earnest conversation about any of it. Instead they avoid the issues altogether or try to put me down jokingly. Next. Done. Over. I have no time in my life anymore for this immature bullshit. Because that is all it is. Immaturity and BS. They want to live their lives that way...all the power to them. But I will not allow them to pull me into their crap. Even amidst my struggles, my backtracking, days without any movement it feels like, screw-ups and missteps, lots of tears, overall I'm getting cleaner internally and I'm in a better place than I was 3 months ago, a year ago, 2 years ago, etc. If you can't meet me in this space I'm in to celebrate my successes and me yours, to be supportive and receive support from me, to have fun and laugh then please go away. You are not needed in my life.
I think I'm scared that I might be bad at this coaching thing. Maybe I place myself above people to keep myself safe? I have not been satisfied or excited about any educational experience I've had in the last 8 years (NYU graduate school, NYU Continuing Ed, The New School, and now this class). Obviously the common thread in all these experiences is me so I have to figure out why. I always place myself above everyone and then complain incessantly about this or that in class. The process here has been similar, but I know is changing too. I see it in myself. I was never as smart as the people I was surrounded by in college. Or when I was capable my lack of confidence and anxiety or feeling isolated really got in the way of me working up to my full potential. I usually just got done what I could...having done some of the reading and having usually only the night separating me and the deadline. Sometimes I didn't even do that much. A friend who is older and another younger said to me in the last year how they don't understand blogging and they think people are too open about their lives nowadays. This thought just occurred to me and I thought I've fought for so long to hear my own voice, to believe in it and my right to have it and express it that I can never go back now and hide in the rabbit hole again. Sometimes that is what this class, the Indian community, daily society feels like to me. Everyone puts on their good girl face or most women are just good girls so to speak and no one can ever admit there are cracks in the veneer. Leonard Cohen sings in Anthem "Ring the bells that still can ring. Forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That's how the light gets in."
I've come to remind myself of something in the past week. Although I have yet to find a community (or tribe as is the term in class) in this class I have SO MANY...what is the word...leads, seeds, saplings of community around me. I just have to follow them, engage with them and try. There are wonderful blogs on my blogroll that intrigue me. There are two specific women whose writing intrigues the fear part of me in a good way. They both live abroad, but one is actually coming to New York soon to conduct a workshop. And there are bloggers whose words I read, who I communicate with and feel a connection to and I know I will meet some of them starting in the next few months. (Why...why can't I feel this way when I read or hear what my classmates or instructors say in class?) There are a number of Meetup groups whose activities populate my iCal automatically; I just have to go and check them out. There are some wonderful people on my Facebook page whose coaching work offers some unique opportunities that I could engage in. And there are a number of organizations in New York that I've been following whose events I can attend. Truth is if I had to make a vision board or just write a list of all the things that I've wanted to do but haven't done yet it would be a pretty good starting place for imbuing my life with joy and connecting me deeper with myself through the things I love to do.
