this post needs a title

(Photo I took at the Mr. Brainwash ICONS exhibit in NYC in May 2010)

I'm whatever the stage is between tired and exhausted

My back is starting to tighten up

Worried tomorrow I will be in pain and unable to bend again

Weekend was tiring physically and emotionally

My energy tank is pretty depleted

Don't have much to give to some

The minute someone verbally vomits all their business on me

I excuse myself and exit the conversation

And then I stop talking to them

Need this for myself right now

I know what burnout feels like, having experienced it more than once in my professional life

And what I'm feeling is I just realized starting to echo some of that

I have nothing left to give

so please go talk your endless spiel somewhere else.

I no longer have patience anymore to hear it for the umpteenth time

I don't say that from a rude place;  I say that from a place of request because

I just can't...not won't...I just can't hear it anymore

It depletes me in a way that is detrimental more now than it seemed in the past

Class is whittling me down to my bare essentials and I can't be responsible for whittling that away

Had the most intricate dream today...realized I have had this dream before...it is a mystery playing out and for the first time I can remember there is not one person in this dream I know.  It is like watching a movie.  Interesting...

Got a present from a 5 year old today...how cool is that.  So I put it up on my fridge and put the cd into my computer and listened to it to help motivate me to unpack.  Anyone know how to play a WMA file?  VLC and Quicktime wouldn't play it.

Yesterday I asked someone I know a question.  She responded with too much information and information that given our roles in each other's lives was not appropriate.  I stated this and was met with well anyway, and was then blown off.  This conversation has stayed with me.  And I realized no wonder I feel ineffective in my own life.  For all of my life I have been verbally stating what I needed, or what my boundaries were and those requests and statements have rarely (if ever) been honored.  I've learned throughout my life that what I want, what I ask for, what my dreams are...they really and truly don't matter because for most of my growing up I never ever had a voice in my own life.  Thinking back on my adolescence I find this sad because actually I think I was a kid with a pretty good head on my shoulders, but my inner voice...my confidence was always beaten down cause my actions were never truly supported by certain key individuals.

Don't know whether to take the full refund I was offered and drop this course.  I thought no, then yes, but after my coaching session yesterday am thinking I should stick it out.

Have a homework assignment due to the creator of the course today.  Have no interest at all in doing it.

Felt so drained after this past weekend that yesterday morning while flying back I went to email my class partners to bail out of our weekly call last night.  As I was writing the email I received an email from one of the partners saying she had to cancel, but the other partner and I should proceed.  Given how draining I find these calls I sent an email saying I too couldn't make it.  I need a break.

PBJ and I had a long talk today about dropping the class and the advantages and disadvantages.  We tried to do a body compass reading to get some information in a different way, but I couldn't access a good feeling so we dropped it.  This is the second time in the last week this has happened.  It made me wonder if these stressful experiences in class are deepening my depression.

I was asked today what is the worst thing that would happen if today I made the decision I was going to live the life I wanted to live.  I couldn't come up truly with an answer that hit home cause all I could think is what's the point?  What's the point anymore to all this?  To trying to change?  To going through this class?  To fixing my finances?  To working again on the same friendships that really never change markedly?  I've been this way for some time.  I feel like I'm facing more than one of my places of inertia all at once and that in most ways I'm alone in this experience.  When do I get to have an experience that makes me happy?

I made it such a big deal when I signed up for this course cause I felt it was a big deal.  But now like a balloon I have slowly deflated over time.  Even now I don't feel much excited about my call Wednesday with the famous creator of the program.  I like listening to her talk, but the calls themselves aren't that interesting.

I can't do the deep work that I was hoping to do in this program if I'm always stuck in the raw emotions that get stirred up like anger or frustration.  And now that those emotions have subsided from their high points over the last few weeks I just feel tired a lot.  It is draining to go through all that.  And yet again I have another experience where I have no appropriate place to voice my anger.  Nothing is going to change about this program.  It is taught to a particular type of person I think and I'm not that type.  I don't care to drink the Kool-Aid.

Just looked up my homework due tomorrow and it is easy and I can do it on my own.  I realize now that I don't find much of what MB says in these class videos as stimulating as I thought I would.  That's a little disappointing now that I realize this.

Have to come up with fill in the blanks this week to "What is the point to..." for my coaching appt next week.