I just finished watching this hour long video in preparation for my class in a few hours with the creator of my program. We only get 6 classes in this 8 month program with her so it is something I value. Unlike my experience yesterday when I watched today's video I felt right from the start of it that this was just perfect timing for me to be receiving the information she was giving and hearing her speak to us directly. I don't know what is different today from yesterday and frankly I'm too tired to analyze it. But part of what I liked today is that I stopped thinking about how would I utilize these skills with a client and just treated the video as a personal seminar in how these skills would work on me. I came up with a list of questions and emailed them off to my own coach.
For so long I think I was waiting for some revelatory experience to happen or thoughts to occur for things to change in my life, but MB talks about how change comes for a client when there is an absence of thoughts that cause "dirty pain" or suffering. And our goals as coaches is to help clients develop the skills to identify the painful thoughts and limiting beliefs and then help them dissolve or soften those beliefs.
One of my beliefs is that I have to stick it out with this set of partners in class because I believe even if I feel one of the partners lacks real self-awareness and at times attacks or takes this out on me what gets stirred up for me is really reminiscent of my own stuff with key figures in my life. But the thing is incorporated in this belief I feel is a lack of protection for myself. Who is looking out for me here? I'm putting myself in a place I don't find safe and for what value? Is what I receive out of that experience worth dealing with the frustration, drama, anger that comes up from interacting with one of the partners that truly pushes my buttons? I still haven't come up with an answer yet to this question, but I'm leaning towards no.
As I've written here before the more I wonder where are the teachers for me since I'm not finding them in this class the more I think of the books on my bookshelf and the blogs I read and the new individuals whose work I'm being introduced to. And I see that possibly my life is painful in a mild and chronic way right now cause I keep trying to mold it into some form like in school or the traditional idea of what a career, marriage, family life looks like. And the more I try to force this the more my spirit has shut down my life around me.
As I start to think about taking the focus in my life away from this class and putting a lot of my focus on a daily basis on other things I have to say I feel like the stress dissipates. This class isn't going to be the end-all-be-all. At this point I don't know truthfully if I will bother to pay the extra money at the end to get certified. I'm just going to stop complaining about what I don't like about the course and just utilize what comes up within me and what I learn to work on myself.
My therapist told me yesterday that she has seen a certain maturity from me through this class experience that she hasn't seen before. (Don't worry, I think she must have been on something too when she said this.) And my coach told me she is proud of the way I handled the conversation last week with the head of the program since I had some very hardened ideas about that conversation that had I followed through with would have made the outcome different.
I went to sleep last night at 10pm. Yes, you heard me right. I went to sleep at 10pm. But then I woke up at 12:40 from a frightening dream. Not the type of fear as from a nightmare, but from a dream in which I was trying to help someone out and pass along some information...only then I had to escape before the people around us caught me. My pulse and stress level were up in the dream and I woke up thinking how must these spies and FBI people do such jobs. Maybe I've been watching too much White Collar. Also, there was this really funny pregnant woman in my dream that SO has to be written into someone's book or screenplay as a character.
What if I just followed my own instincts about what is right for me, what are good guides for me rather than trying to make me (square peg) fit into class (round hole) and never getting anywhere?
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