"The best way out is always through." ~Robert Frost

Someone once said to me that as one member of a family system becomes healthier the health of the family system improves overall.

I've been thinking about this sentiment a lot lately while I encourage myself to continue my reorganization, downsizing, and restructuring from my old life to this new one.

Last night I walked out of my apartment with a sense of pride to meet up with a high school acquaintance I haven't seen since high school. And by the time I came home I just felt lonely and dejected. All those thoughts that arise when you compare yourself to others arose in me and I stayed stuck in that funk for most of the day today. So finally I picked myself up and started anew. I continued on my quest and as I look away from the screen right now I can see the physical fruits of my labor. And I think...I'm getting healthier.

Since I can't continue to work exclusively on one area of my life and ignore others while my domicile is in transition I'm starting to put my energies into meeting someone. It is so very easy for me to shy away from this pursuit. I'm comfortable holed up in my apartment, but that isn't the life I want. And it is easier in certain ways to do that than to put myself out there again. As I've touched on before the more I uncover and excavate the more I realize about how naive I am/was and how much knowledge I lack about certain things. Sometimes I look back and wonder how I fumbled my way through things in my life as I did. What I'm thinking about in this process of re-opening the door to new people is how do I come off, how am I perceived by a man, is what I want from a partner realistic, and has the image I have become antiquated since my 20s...meaning as I've grown since then does that image support me anymore? Sometimes it seems like every area of my life is requiring me to let go of my need for control in order to allow for change and something new to happen.

I've very critical of the men that enter my life romantically and right now I believe with good reason...whether or not I will continue to believe that remains to be seen. I am not interested in repeating the mistakes of the past, mine and others. I will not give myself away again to someone who does not respect me. And most importantly I will continue to honor this space I'm creating for myself, my dreams and wishes, my own individuality.