I tried going to sleep an hour ago, but I've just been lying here.  I've been unraveling the layers of why I feel stuck and something popped into my head.  I may have mentioned it here already.  A few years ago my therapist asked me what it was that made it scary for me to be successful.  Was it something about surpassing my parents?  But this never resonated with me.  And tonight or rather this morning as I lie here the thought that came to me was Maybe I don't want to grow up cause that means that my parents are going to die.  That comes from a raw emotional place and for that reason I'm not going to jump into my intellectual head part of me cause I don't believe intellectualizing my way out of it will work.

Earlier tonight as I was brushing my teeth and readying myself for sleep I was thinking about a friend who I have reached out to over the last week and who has not responded at all.  It is unlike her.  I assume she is upset with me for something and to be honest feel annoyed at the way she is choosing to handle it.  She still reads my blog daily.  And I was thinking about why I feel annoyed about this and how I am going to handle the situation or rather not overhandle this situation.  Two adults in a mature friendship can talk to one another about what they feel in my experience.  It may not be the most comfortable conversation, but as long as it is respectful and honest these conversations I suspect can lead to a better understanding of where each person is coming from.

Tonight I thought to myself I've spent most of my life single and most of my life expecting or wanting someone to save me.  These thoughts occurred one right after the other and I stopped myself and stood there for a few seconds and thought...wait, connect those thoughts.  I've spent most of my life single...I've spent most of my life waiting for someone to save me.  Interesting.

As I peel the layers away I think/I hope these are small kernels of truth that are coming out, small connections being made.  French Fry and Vincent Van Gogh both say that great big things don't happen overnight, but rather through a series of small steps brought together.

Before starting this post I went through my iPhoto and Photo Booth to look at videos I could post here of the family dog to go along with the idea of my family's mortality.  But it just seems sorta sad so I've decided against posting one here.  Why can't I take him along on my journey till it's my time to go?

I have a packed weekend.  Here are some of the things I'm doing:

1.  Talking to my class partner to finish up our conversation about clearing the space and moving forward

2.  Mailing out my Gift of Jewels!

3.  Mailing out my rakhis...yes they are late!

4.  Joining my out of town friend on a trip to Fresh (don't worry...I will show restraint and not purchase anything)

5.  Dragging said friend to Ginette.  I just learned this designer whose work I've ogled in a boutique in my neighborhood actually has her own store in New York.  I'm excited and also...well...preparing myself that I am not to purchase anything.  Insert sad face here.

6.  Thinking of becoming more of myself by going to get my ears double pierced which I have wanted to do for a while.  The place I got my nose pierced won't do an ear piercing unless it is the kind of piercing where you put those spacer hoops in your ears to stretch your lobes.  But today I read about Venus by Maria Tash.  I like this feature on their site.

7.  GOTHAM GIRLS ROLLER DERBY - enough said

8.  US Open Men's Finale match

9.  Reading

10.  Somewhere in the midst of all this I need to sleep, cook, keep chipping away and picking up around my apartment.  This will allow me the headspace I want to start to chip away at some of the larger things I have to do for class/work and also for me to start my vision board.

Goodnight!