Tonight I'm frustrated with myself. I've been fighting off sleeping for hours even though that is the very thing I should be doing. A friend of mine is the caretaker for a pet that has a struggle with anxiety. One of the things I learned from her is that if she walks the dog for a long period of time each day all the physical activity tires him. This tiredness wears him out enough to take off the edge and temper some of the anxiety he struggles with daily. Tonight I watched Mad Men and thought of this when they showed Don Draper swimming in the beginning of the episode. What it is like to exercise regularly and come home tired where all you can do is sleep, too tired even to fight against sleep. That is what I'm seeking.
Whatever Freud called it-one's id, ego, superego, subconscious, unconscious...whatever that entity is I'm in a struggle with it. Granted I've been locked in this position for years, but now I think as I start to fill myself up in some ways by taking risks and chances that I used to run away from it is continuing to strip me of the bs that used to surround this headlock between me and ego.
Ego says it's another fault. Ego says don't step up to the plate. Ego is saying don't consider her feelings; you're right. Ego says a lot of things, but I'm starting ever so slightly or more to pay less attention to ego. Like something lethal in gaseous form it shows up in the room with me and I don't even notice cause you can't smell it. There is no warning. The only way to know is...well I don't really know how to know. It happens when I all of a sudden snap out of it and think wait...I'm succumbing to my ego, I've fallen under its spell again.
Chris Guillebeau last week said at the book signing that someone he met once said "I don't want to have a remarkable life. I just want to be happy." While I remain shocked that someone would actually utter such words a tiny part of me sort of gets it I think. And a little part might wish I were like that, but right now I'm not.
I feel mad today because I want to be doing more class stuff. I shared the Zillion Sum Game concept with my classmates as I mentioned in my last post. And each day a few more people respond positively to it. I want to build upon these few steps I've taken to connect and get what I can get out of this class and more importantly to start to scale up the wall that I think I'm partly trying to avoid dealing with. In the last week I took a few steps to doing that. And I'm sorta mad at myself for not making the time this weekend to continue taking steps that would help me move. And tomorrow they've rescheduled the US Open Men's Singles Final. I tried to return my ticket to the person who offered it to me, but he can't use it so I'm screwing my friend over if I don't go. I don't want to do that and I know I'll have a good time...I just feel guilty going and I feel like I'm wasting time. I tell myself well if you can be productive for a few hours before you go then you won't feel upset with yourself for going...but then look at the time now....how will I be productive and wake up early when early is when I go to bed? And if I do sleep less in order to have a few hours to get some things done...well I've seen that situation time and time again...me on less than 6 hours of sleep isn't pretty...I think me on less than 8 hours of sleep...I feel it.
So I continually put myself in this position where I don't really allow myself the chance to arrive to myself in full form. My apartment is always messy. There is always a pile of laundry in the middle of the floor. I'm always tired in some shape or form. I'm always late. I have never taken control of my financial situation and cleaned it up. Or my health insurance if I'm being really honest. And the days just go by.
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