I'm tired. I feel like I've been doing a lot of emotional maneuvering lately with more than one female in my life. Some of it I orchestrated to improve the situation, some stuff people raised with me after some prodding from me, and other people flipped out on me. I'm not mad about any of it anymore. I just feel a little tired and hope that it won't always be this way.
I've been thinking for the last month about what the common thread is between all the friends in my life that I consider a part of my core circle. I thought and thought about it, but couldn't find one. And finally I realized why.
I think it is time to accept and thus let go of the expectations I have for one very specific friendship in my life. A friendship of many years that means a lot to me. But in the last 6 months....scratch that....for the last few years I've struggled with it. I realized ever since class started I've been carrying around this fear that as I change and grow my friendships would change and I would lose some of these people in my inner circle. Then I realized this week that actually I wasn't worried about anyone in this inner circle except the friendship with this one friend. And now I know why I'm worried about it. Figuring out what to do next is the new opportunity in front of me. It is going to be challenging. It's time to let go though. Maybe with more breathing space or distance the friendship will find a new more comfortable way of being. Maybe not. I'm not sure.
And now I see what the common thread is in all of those friendships. The blunt truth is all of those people share one single thing in common with me...something that is very important and colors my experience. I'm a little surprised by this realization, but maybe this is just another piece of information for me in understanding why I have felt so out of sorts for so long. I've been trying for a long time to fit in with a different type of crowd or groups of friends and I truly never feel like I do. The core friends I have are all really bright people...professionally, personally, emotionally, academically, etc. They are all healthy; they are good parents; they are good at their jobs inside and outside of the home; they are fun; they are funny; they have souls in a way that I can't express...in an ethereal manner; they listen and they care about me.
This isn't some great thought out idea. As I'm physically tired and not going on much sleep it is coming from more of an emotional place (but not a dramatic one). I just think why am I so concentrated on the friendships outside of this core group of friends. Someone suggested maybe those core friendships are secure so you can concentrate on the newer, younger friendships that don't have all that history. Unconsciously this is exactly what I was doing. Except I think...these other relationships they are missing the real grounding and foundation that history lends to people. I also think doing things this way makes me take those core people for granted.
I know I'm not the only person who is interested in making new friends, but these friendships have to have an ease about them. There must be maturity and open communication. And I just realized there must be a sense of equality. I don't think anymore that my time is worth it for anything less than these qualities. I'm starting to want things again. Not materialistic things. I'm starting to want to DO things again. Be productive. Wake up and join the world at a regular hour. And now time seems a little more important to me. I want it spent with the best of the best, in the best ways possible, and doing/trying new things I've always wanted to do.
1 comment:
Sorry for causing disturbance. :( Uhh, is the common thread in all your friendships that...I'm confused; it's probably the lack of sleep and lack of IV full of coffee.
Gregg said to me that friendship gets harder as more people couple, because you can only be so close to so many people, and your spouse and children will be the "front line," so it gets more difficult to have that same connection as in h.s. or college. I think it's sad, but also that he might be right.
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