I can't do it.  I have these small victories.  I take these ever so small steps.  And then I stop.  And then even when I want to do certain things to continue moving something fights against it within me.  This is the only explanation I can think of at this ungodly hour at which I am awake.  Bear in mind I was determined to turn the computer off 6 hours ago and go to sleep...but well clearly that didn't happen.

Someone today said to me so as you change others are starting to have reactions.  I guess I didn't look at it like this, but I guess this is true.  Is it in response to my changing?  I don't know.  But all I know is that in the last week there have been five relationship situations that have arisen that I've been dealing with.  Three friends, one class partnership, and one Facebook friend.  And you know I'm tired of this.  The more I start to confront things and step in and state how I feel when I would normally avoid, the more I am learning to admit to myself I have to let go of some friendships that I've been holding onto for dear life when they aren't working in their current form, and the more I confront that I have to soften and let go of my hardened resentments about childhood friendships that are no more the more shit seems to come my way to be dealt with.  I'm sure this could be explained in some Law of Attraction way, but I don't want to hear it right now.

Let's move on to more positive things.  It's list time again.

1.  Yesterday I opened the door to see a box on my welcome mat sent from Puerto Rico.  It contained my gift of jewels present!  It was a nice and welcome surprise.  I received two home decorations that I will photograph and post later and a journal.

2.  I took another step this week and took on the role of client in my work with my class partners.  I asked them if they could coach me on one of my two big limiting beliefs: I am alone and Something is wrong with me.  I'm not the person who puts myself in the care of people I barely know especially people who I wasn't convinced could help me.  I'm the woman who interviewed 8 (or more...I can't remember) women before choosing who to hire as my coach.  So I see this as a step in a different direction.  I admitted to them I was concerned that they would become frustrated with me while coaching because we would not be able to resolve the issue in the time allotted.  Obviously coaching on major issues doesn't work like this...this is just my fear coming out.  So we worked on the second limiting belief.  Here is what I learned:

Something is wrong with me is just another symptom of the belief/fear I am alone.  (The mantras you repeatedly tell your children when they are young and growing up DO matter.  I believe children are a mixture of nature and nurture and as parents I wonder if people can ever really tell which end of the spectrum is more influential in their children.  For me I know EXACTLY where this fear stems from...or at least one of the main reasons where I was taught this belief...scratch that...two reasons where I was taught this...scratch that...three reasons.  Just sitting here examples keep coming up in my head of why I have this belief.)  Makes complete sense to me that I feel this way.

I don't know that there were examples of real loyalty in my life growing up.  Or rather the TERRIBLE example I had of loyalty was far stronger and louder than the good example of loyalty I had in my life.  (Just writing this now made me think I have to give up this fantasy of ending up with an Indian man.  Most of the Indian men I've known in my life are emotionally immature and unhealthy.  That isn't me being a spoiled brat.  I bet my close friends would agree with me on the examples I have in mind.  Some of the Indian men my friends are married to are wonderful and some of my male Indian friends are wonderful as well.  But I also feel specifically in each case these men are very unique.  Maybe I'm too damaged in this area of my life to realistically expect that I could work though and overcome it.)

To be honest I can't really say this exercise was amazingly helpful.  It was helpful is determining this connection between feeling something is wrong with me and feeling alone, but none of the turnaround statements or me citing examples to counter my beliefs stuck with me after we finished.  Personally I think the sheer act of opening myself up to my partners and stepping into the vulnerable position of client here exposing myself was more the growth step taken.

3.  I signed up for The Shed Project a few days ago and love it so far.  In this interview with Kate Northrup Bindu Wiles is asked what she is scared of and her answer...I don't even know how to write it... her answer made something hidden deep within the crevices of me perk up and say "Me too!"  And I signed up.  Here is Bindu's interview about The Shed Project.

4.  Started reading The Art of Non-Conformity by Chris Guillebeau

5.  I've come to realize in the last few weeks that if I want to be involved in the Indian community in this city (which is turning out to be VERY small) then I'm going to have to get to a place of peace with running into certain people from my past and with meeting and learning about other people who also have involvement with these people.  Yes, I'm being purposefully vague.  If you know me well then this will need no explanation.

6.  I'm going to print my first round of photos tomorrow.

7.  Therapy and coaching this week weren't memorable.  It is because I didn't show up with all cylinders going.  Having these sessions within the first hour of being awake clearly doesn't produce a high level of achievement.  Something within me is really fighting this sleep at a normal hour idea.  Even if I cut out all caffeine from my diet I still think I would be awake.  Whoever thinks this whole id, ego, superego stuff is complete bs should come talk to me...cause whatever it is within us that self-sabotages...that thing is damn strong in me.

8.  This week really provided some clarity for me about my friendships.  Which friends my inner voice was hinting I needed to let go off, which friends are just immature, which friends are obnoxious and which friends I don't feel safe around.  I've been trying to fit into a world that if I'm honest with myself I really don't want to fully fit into because I don't want to be like these people overall.  I love certain qualities of this world and more specifically of certain people in it, but overall I don't want to make a life in this world.  It just isn't me.

And I admitted to myself that I treat certain people the way I do and flake out on outings not solely cause of my own struggles, but probably more because of a lack of respect for those involved.  If you don't fully respect someone you can't make yourself do it.  It leads me to ask what would my life be like if I only surrounded myself with people I respected?  And now I know the common thread through my core friendships:  I respect overall those people, not one quality here or there...I respect them.

One of my peers in class and other friends in my life are pushing for these speedy friendships, but the thing is my experience has taught me that real friendship for me occurs only over time.  Depth of friendship in the short-term can't make up for lack of history in the long run in my friendships right now.

9.  Along that theme...something good happened this week.  Someone reached out to me seeking support from me during an awkward time in our friendship.  And I stood by the boundaries I had set not only within the friendship, but more importantly for myself as a person that I wouldn't get swayed by the other's drama.  It was almost natural.  I didn't concentrate long and hard on whether I was crossing the boundaries I had set blah blah blah...I just responded in a way that truly honored me.  I wasn't going to get pulled into the drama and I didn't.

10.  I've been reconnecting with my love of this hour when I can leave my house and go outside and the city is quiet and peaceful.  There is something sacred in this.  Speaking of I'm a fan of this print.

11.  I discovered yesterday yet another connection to O.  Maybe lots of people have connections to O.

12.  A new friend reached out to me about something she is struggling with.  I have to say it made me feel good as it is a woman I admire.  I hope the support I provided to her was helpful.

13.  I took the time to consider what I was seeking in my desire to apply to be a part of Circe's Circle and decided against it.  I'm sure the experience is amazing, but I realized it would be yet again another community that met over the phone and online and I think I need to dedicate some time to finding that here in New York.  To that end I've realized and am starting to find some bloggers who are working in these areas that interest me personally and professionally and am starting to email them directly and to read what they write.  I'm also going to continue my shedding of all these newsletters I get in email that I never read.  NEXT!

14.  I sorta of dislike my friends whose personality is to rail against the world in a harsh and biting manner.  How ironic as this is how I've been for so long.  It just doesn't feel good anymore to be around people who are like this.

I feel like this list is lame.  I need to start writing a little each day to capture what is happening cause after a few days I can't remember fully the magical details of each day (especially when I write late at night).  And then I write these behemoth posts and feel like a freak and probably no one reads them anyway.