wish i knew

will it take just as long

to get there

as it did to get here

will there be tears and pain

to get there

like there was to get here

what do you do when

you can't adapt

to the way another person is

do you let them go

how do you do that

today there was a moment

where I could have walked back

into my past

but i walked myself into the present

and chose to leave the past behind

and yet i told no one this

who is a witness to your life

someone online

someone in your house

someone who came from you

today was a day of so many new beginnings

and yet it feels like

i didn't share it with anyone

cause i told no one

sometimes rarely

i tear up like now

because it always feels like it is me

i'm the reason i'm this way

right?

why is it hard for me

to let go of my ghost

to let go of those friends

to let go of the wrong expectations

i hold

today i should be celebrating

all the space cleared

the new energy

the desk sitting again

the cooking

yesterday i had so much fun

writing up my application

going above and beyond

turning it into

something really fun

how do you say sorry

to someone upset with you

when you know

why you were

who you were

now i want to shave my head

and start all over

but this is now how it works

consequences always arrive

i wish i could pinpoint

what this inner struggle

really is

what is the question

what is the belief

what is the void

what is whatever this is

maybe all i want

is someone in the flesh

to listen

to see me

to agree

there will be no more

classes

the strand visit today

garnered no books purchased

there will be more

reading

writing

creating

engaging

ear piercing

drumming

dancing

focus

memory-making

taping

i will allow

the words that surround

to build their thick shelter