Letter to myself

(Zenamoon candle on my desk)

Keep your vision on the goals you have laid out in front of you.  You know what they are exactly.  If you need to make a list.  Make sure that list is short and brief because a long list will only spread your attention thin, leave you harried and translate into very little actually getting done.  Be what is the word...fierce? strict? brutal...that is the word.  Be brutal when you make that list of what your priorities are right now.

Class
Circe's Circle (meaning my 9 weeks of Joy and Small Dreams)
Self-care (this includes keeping in touch with my family)
Finances
My home

This is it.  These are my priorities.  Nothing more.

Friends is not on this list.  Nor should they be.  Those that really know me and have known me for years will understand this I believe.  Our friendships are effortless.  They run deep.  Even though we may not be in touch all the time this does not diminish the friendship.  It isn't that I won't continue to reach out to them and spend time with them.  I'm trying to say these friendships drain me not.  They support and lift me up, they make me laugh, they make me think, they are fun.  But what is holding me back is that I know that I will get flack from the other friends...it will cause dramatic responses from them.  The friendships where I know the person has a checklist in his or her mind and is checking off what I did and didn't do are the friendships I require distance from.  (How ironic since for many years I did this exact thing to my own friends.)  The real truth is these friendships drain me of resources that I know and can feel I need for myself right now.  It took so much time to get myself to take a small step to face a little different direction, to add just a little something new to my daily picture.  Stop focusing on them.  Turn again and come back to you.  (Clearly it bothers me so much that as you can see this post that was clear in the beginning and in its list has now become a long rambling paragraph.)

Last thing:  Do more.  Because you are feeling within you that voice that is saying this and you know it. You can do more daily.  You can't do everything in a day.  But you can do a little more every day than what you're doing now.  You know this and that is why you feel frustrated with yourself.  You're moving, but you can move more.

This voice isn't an intellectual thing, it is that voice inside that you have been starting to really listen to.  This voice is your guide.  Trust it.  It got you to enroll in Class.  And it has kept you there all the times when you were frustrated and mad and hurt, when you felt the people around you sucked, when you weren't excited about the instructors.  It kept you there.  It is this voice that will take you to Phoenix even though you are scared to go.  You're going to find a way to co-exist in harmony with people who you may disagree with and people who you would not choose to play on your team with you.  Beyond meeting the Expert (who you're already met before), but whose wisdom and writing is what brought you to consider this program in the first place you're going because your voice is saying you have to go.  If you don't go you're missing an opportunity that will help you grow and you know this.  This voice...this inner knowing it knows you from inside out.