So much has happened since my last post. I don't know where to begin. I really ought to sit and write something a little each day. After a few days of news pile up when I think about blogging I think about the exhaustive process and then push it off till the next day and the next.
Home is where dreams begin:
A friend helped me rearrange the heavy furniture in my apartment. It was a great process and I'm so glad we did it. Physically we could see the space had been cleared. Sometimes a physical manifestation is nice to see because the internal clearing seems to be rarely noticed by others or we may be doubtful of it ourselves. Because of this clearing I'm writing this post from my desk (gasp). Yes, my desk has now become a place I can sit. It no longer has piles of papers or magazines on or around it and no big desktop computer screens sitting on it that I barely used.
Next I have to purchase a filing cabinet...although I'm hoping for something not so steel looking. Ick. If you have any suggestions please share them! I also have two prints that needed framing and the frames are now sitting in my entryway waiting to be opened.
Class:
This last week marks 3 examples of me overcoming resistance to moving forward in engaging more in class. I didn't feel like doing the homework that was due last week. It had been assigned a few months ago and I had put it off as I felt October was so far away and I had time. So I did things my way. I went to sleep for a few hours and then woke up in the middle of the night and did it. It took a long time because I again watched the instructional video from months ago and then sat and worked through a limiting belief of mine (which was the homework). When I was unable to come up with questions or thoughts to write for my homework...I kept going. I left the word document open on my computer and just wrote whatever questions came to mind. Then I stepped away and went and got some coffee and came back to it, hoping a break would re-energize me. In the end I submitted 2 questions that were sincere and only wrote 34 of the 100 words we're allotted to submit. (Sometimes I pressure myself to use up all 100 words given that this is the only rare access we get to the expert who this program is named after and whose work this program is based. But I sincerely didn't have much to ask or say after doing this assignment on myself. It was pretty straightforward.) Guess what? Both of my questions were chosen and addressed by the expert in class. She complimented me on my word usage and really liked something I wrote.
Something else happened. Someone said something to me that hurt me, surprised me, and deflated me. I've been feeling stronger lately, moving along slowly and taking little step after little step. It isn't going to be recounted here. That would be old behavior on my part. All I want to record here is that for 19 hours after it happened I totally regressed and took steps back. I cried for a few minutes, I talked to a few friends, and my self-esteem decreased. I wasn't able to sit with these uncomfortable feelings and so I just went back to looking for some validation from outside. Luckily I have wonderful people in my life who listened and voiced their support. And this time I came to realize within 24 hours that this wasn't my shit. This was another person's crap. 26 hours later I wrote a declaration to myself. Here is a little of what I said:
I will not allow another person's reaction to ruin me. I will not cower out of fear to someone who I believe is not coming from a clean place. Owning who I am and more importantly HONORING the good STRONG parts of me in the face of opposition is big I think. By doing that I'm sending myself the message that hey...I trust me. I validate myself a little bit.
Will update you on the rest tomorrow...
No comments:
Post a Comment