Looking backward, Looking forward

This afternoon I'm going to see the parents of a deceased high school friend of mine.  It has been almost a decade since she passed away; I don't know where the time has gone.  I asked her mom to pull out an old yearbook and I'm bringing one of mine as well.  Her daughter and I signed each other's yearbooks in these pages-long letters filled with some now forgotten inside jokes.  When I was growing (upon rereading this post I noticed my error here...meant going...but sorta like growing so am leaving it) through all my yearbooks looking for the specific one I was going to take I came across the program from her funeral and the speech I wrote to give there.  I read those words and wondered how at that age I figured out what to say and then spoke it all in front of the attendees.  I went in search of a handwritten poem this friend once gave me hoping to give it to her parents.  So I checked boxes where I knew old love letters and writings from college were.  I've looked through some of these letters in the past year and they lay scattered in the box abandoned from each of their envelopes.  I stopped and looked through the entire box only to find photos of old boyfriends and friends, wedding invitations and letters from friends and family.  My heart slowed a little bit...it didn't stop because I didn't allow myself the time to sit and reread everything.  There is a time and place for that and tonight isn't it.  But I looked back at these old photos of myself and reread a few cards from old boyfriends and thought where am I now and how did I get there?  (Another little part of me thought...who are you kidding Samosas...you've always been a writer.)

And I thought about these old friends from decades ago who I am still close friends with today and old boyfriends who were wonderful men but with whom I'm no longer friends due mostly I have to admit to my immaturity and dramatics over a decade ago...yea yea...I know I'm still like this...chup! (Chup means be quiet in Hindi.)

I'm taking this box back with me and will sit and piece through it little by little on my own and in my own space.  I've lost my way and I think this box of letters reminds me of who I used to be and connects me to a past that somehow made more sense...before I leaped off into what feels like nothingness.  I think I'm an end goal type of girl.  I need to know what I'm working towards in order to get there I guess.  And let's be honest...I have no clue anymore what my end goals are anymore.  I feel back in some pre-adulthood stage testing the boundaries and questioning everything.  Everyone gets married?  Do I have to get married?  What if I don't get married?  I'm supposed to have children?  What if I don't have children?  What does that say about me and my life and my parents?

The one thing in my life that I've seemed to have good measurement on has always been the people I befriend.  The friendships in my life that have stood the test of time are with strong people who exhibit personal integrity (something very important to me).  I've been thinking about my own integrity a lot lately.  I can be lax and immature at times in this department and it is an area where one really can't be either.  I'm writing this for the umpteenth time here because I'm trying to get myself to understand it is okay for me to feel like some people in my life just aren't my people.  I guess I feel guilty about this one minute and then fiercely protective of my time and space and then feel justified. I realize that in this moment my truth is that I cannot be around people who are direly insecure.  I have been this type of person and it is a very difficult and draining way to live.  And now that I've created a little bit of padding between being there and being here I just can't always be asked to turn back and remember that feeling state.  And some friendships just require this of me if I'm going to be invested in these friendships in the way these people expect me to be given their level of investment in me.  It is uneven and I don't want to continue on in this way.  I could do it of course, but in shedding my cocoon I feel like you know...I don't want to anymore.  I want that space and time and energy back and I want to see what else I can dedicate it to and what now will enter my life that will resonate with me in the way I'm seeking.