I wish I had something really wonderful to report in this post, but this post is being written by someone who is under the weather again, with lower back pain, and other ailments. I know...I sound lame. But this is about as much as I can muster today. And you know what? If I had any energy I would be pissed about it because the sun is shining outside and I want to be enjoying it. I have a friend whose spirit I love and whenever we toast to anything she toasts to a life lived in balance. I always make fun of her for this because it sounds too pure of a toast to be made while consuming liquor. I've been thinking about her words. What would a life lived in balance look like for me? I'm thinking about this question partly because of my health being out of wack again for the third time in six months and partly because in the last week I feel like I've had more drama in my life than I've had in almost a year. As I can't be objective I don't know if that is true, but emotionally it feels like it. Maybe I'm just used to the drama that is caused by me getting upset/fired up about something. I'm not used to be on the receiving end of other people's drama. And when in the past six months I have seen and experienced that the way friends manage their lives in through hysterics and drama I've found something inside me pushing me to distance myself which I have. One of the bad things about me is that I live too much on either side of the spectrum and not enough in balance in the middle. I find it hard to stay above water in my consciousness and focus on my goals, and not get swept up into the drama at hand. Which means in my interpretation that in order for me to concentrate on my goals I need the other areas in my life to be in balance, especially my relationships with others. In front of me right now I have an array of things I need to get done and work on. But I've been asked to work with another on something which I feel pulls me away from my priorities. I feel that engaging in it would pull me into aiding the other party in working on a project they need help with and I strongly feel that this yet again would allow me to not focus on getting my life up and going in the way I keep saying I want. I think it is okay for me to decide to put my priorities first...that stupid socialization I received as a woman of course makes me think and reevaluate this stance as if it may be selfish or that I should feel guilty about it...except that we don't socialize men to feel this way so why am I ruminating on this decision? I know why. Because I want to make sure if there is any gem of wisdom in this opportunity for me to learn something about myself that I don't want to walk away from it. And that I live my life with integrity and not avoid situations because doing the right thing would be hard and uncomfortable. But I have a place and people with whom I can talk about this with so that will be the place for me to do that.
I've spent this week thinking about friendships as well, how we balance our responsibility to our friends and to ourselves, and how to properly protect and create the life that I want. Why do some friendships flow with ease? Why is it that when certain people in your life are in crisis or in a bind you automatically drop everything you're doing at that particular moment and be there for him or her? And when you have friendships like that how do you cultivate more of those and manage the friendships whose landscape is less serene? There has been more than one instance lately where friends have been in crisis. In some cases people asked me to help them. In another case last week I went of my own accord and sat with a friend in the waiting room while her pet had surgery. And in those moments the only thing that I was conscious of was a) that I not crowd her if she wanted space and b) that I be there for her to provide support and do what I could to help her. And as I walked home Thursday night all I could think about was how the love in this friendship is apparent, how we have been there for each other down to the nitty-gritty for hours on end throughout the years and how nothing else mattered to me that day but being there for her. I didn't feel drained after that experience. I felt love and concern for my friend. I want more friendships like this.
3 comments:
I think, at some point, we really have to be able to let go of "friends" who are not really friends in the true sense of the word. At different times in our lives, people fulfill different needs and roles and they don't, necessarily, endure from the cradle to the grave. It is healthy for us to finally reach that point where we can assess our friendship and see what is really working for us and to say farewell, appreciating what the friendship served and wish that person well and say goodbye! That leaves space for us to find a friend that will fill the special place in our hearts that needs nurturing and, also, allows us to do the same for another.
i totally get it... going through some similar experiences.
I'm sorry you had such a drama-filled week. I'm learning that process too, and I realize now that, despite my wishes that all my friendships be balanced and healthy, some relationships just don't run as deep and some take away more than they give. I feel lucky to have a handful of really wonderful friends with whom I share a balanced relationship that nurtures and feeds rather than drains. You're lucky to have the same.
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