Today I also feel a little bit more strength than before, a little more weight and resolve in who I am. Today when people throw out their embittered, unforgiving, angry, miserly attitudes about the world I can see and feel where they end and I begin. Today I respond less to people's comments and I disengage when I lack real respect for him/her because I'm not here to open myself up to be a receptacle for other people's garbage/trash/drama/unresolved shit that has nothing to do with me. Today I have a tiny bit more sense of who I am than I have in much time.
I see now as well how good I had it, what amazing parents I have and how much I've been given. And the truth is that while I continually concentrate on what I see as broken/damaged/misfitted/screwed up...if I turned this Rubik's Cube another way I would also see how much sense I can have, how I can be calm in crisis (others, not my own), and that if push came to shove I have enough good sense to figure the situation out and be okay. It matters a little less to me how others view me because I know that the volume of drama has greatly decreased in my life. I also engage less with other people's bullshit. I won't allot the space in my life for that. I see now that I'm on the other side of this hill that it was never about who treated who better, but about who kept putting one foot in front of the other and showing up each day. I ducked out early on and am only now starting to resurface. In some areas for the first time. It is time to get cleaned up internally and externally, shed whatever masks still remain, and run (not walk) to what feels good. The pain is gone. Mediocre is out of season. Crutches are not joyful. What was broken has regrown. "And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~Anais Nin
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