I should care about a lot of things today, but I don't.  Today I feel in a funk because I know what I "should" be doing and yet I'm not doing it, any of it.  Part of the struggle today I think is about respect and trying to break away from those relationships I have where I don't respect the person.  Problem is those relationships are also my crutches and I know that.  But just like in my professional life I'm finding that I'm reaching this point where I can't walk into any situation anymore with someone I don't respect...I physically just won't go...to make myself go would involve me truly forcing myself with everything inside of me and frankly I think that reserve needs not to be depleted since there are some functions with extended family that i just can't get out of and so i need to keep everything for that.  do you think i'm a jerk for saying and stating that so obviously?  whatever.  everyone lives in this world of hide the truth.  tired of it.

to get anywhere in life involves a lot of action that i always see as isolating.  this is how i found writing papers in college as well.  i found it really hard because it was such an isolating activity.  i feel the same way about class now.  the only real excitement and enthusiasm i have for my class stems from the material we read which is great.  but interaction with classmates and instructors is just ok and ok is on a good day.  if i had to make a list right now i could name at least 5 things that i do or want to do that bring me joy and that excite me in my life and yet i don't actively try to do more of these things.

Somewhere years ago while stuck in some stupid Corporate America job my spirit committed suicide and I just stopped working.  No one thought this would happen, that one day I would just up and quit...but I did.  and i can never go back.  if i went back to that office i would sit there like they were speaking danish and i couldn't understand them.  i can't bring myself to do that work anymore.  i can't bring myself to be around certain people anymore.  i can't i don't want to live this life anymore.  papa told me once that when i was little that i wasn't doing any of the natural progressions kids do to start walking.  they were concerned, but the doctor said everything was okay.  then one day i just got up and started walking, no in between.  who knows if this story is true or not, but it sorta makes sense given who i am.