Instead of sleeping or packing (both of which I need to do in the next 2 hours) I watched The Good Guy.  I wanted to love this movie because I adore Alexis Bledel and Bryan Greenberg is cute, but man whoever wrote this script or edited this movie sure cut a lot of the story out.  Oh well.  But it did make me think about the men I have dated in NYC that are in finance and how naive and innocent I was during that period and the painful awakening I went through last year.  This city teaches you to guard your heart.  You learn how disposable women are to some men and how easily you can be played.  I'll never know the whys or the truth and I'm glad to say the need for those answers no longer resonates as regularly as my heart beats.  It no longer matters.  I have seen what I needed to see to break away and my life is better and cleaner for it.  But I do feel amazed at how easily I lost sight of myself and the rhythm and beauty of my life and traded that in for another.  And I feel scarred and scared that this may happen again in the future.  Maybe after relationships end there ought to be a make amends stage where each person is given the opportunity to gain the closure they need to move on.  Not getting to say what you want or not getting answers to the questions leaves open wounds or later, scars for too many.  All I have left anymore from my experience is a piece of expensive jewelry that I feel conflicted about wearing, I want no trace or memory of that time on my person.  Somehow it feels like wearing it validates the way I was treated.  But really it just a piece of jewelry.  It means nothing.  It represents nothing.  

I've come to see in the last few weeks that what I'm seeking is a new relationship, but I don't know if I'm ready.  What I do know is that the next time I won't put up with the bullshit I went through last time.  I no longer have the patience for it; I would rather be at home watching tv than spending time with some guy who is giving me the runaround and playing games.