Some days all the change just becomes too much.  Scratch that.  It isn't the change, it is the unfamiliarity and the being not so good at something.  It is the realizing that maybe this whole time I was limiting myself, that maybe my judgment isn't the best and that maybe I'm not that smart.  It is one of the things that props up my ego and I think without that who would I be?  Today I had my first meeting with my partners from class and I found it challenging.  One of my partners is really interesting and I'm looking forward to getting to know her better.  And the other partner will continue to challenge me.  I know all the ironies, coincidences of how someone with her qualities should turn out to be my partner in this very situation and when I work off my whining energy I allow what I think is the truth to rise up and settle:  that having her as a partner is good for me.  I've already had to set and stick to firm boundaries, I've stood my ground in a confrontation about my beliefs, and I've listened to my inner voice and taken care of myself.  These are all really good things, right?  But then if that is the case why as I write this is a tear rolling down my right cheek?  Why is this process proving to be so challenging to me?  I can't go through the next 7 months to just discover that I'm not a smart person, that I can't do this.  But I find something so threatening about the fact that someone else similar to me might be better at this, smarter than me, more of an overachiever when in other ways she lacks basic knowledge of things.  It is sitting with the uncomfortable insecure feelings/the anxiety that arises within me that is hard.  Where do I go with that?  45 minutes in therapy once a week isn't enough to contain those feelings.  And I can't talk to my partners about it.  So where do I go with them?  Most people in class continue to write in class about how wonderful they find the coaching sessions by the instructor instead of a traditional lecture format.  But I feel just the opposite.  I keep my mouth shut because I see that most people are here to launch their businesses and given yesterday's 3 hour work session this is no longer my goal.  I look at this 8 month training program as emotional boot camp for me.  The problem is that looking at it this way separates me from many of the students and some of the work.  My assignment for this week is to write about my End Game, specifics about what I want my practice to look like, etc.  I have no clue...all these ideas at this point would be WIGs (Wildly Improbable Goals) and those WIGs...the ones I feel strongly have nothing to do with launching this business.

What happens if I were to remove the beliefs I've used to prop up my ego for so long?  Is this what Eckhart Tolle talks about in A New Earth?  I think to me pioneer = black sheep.  Maybe this is what Byron Katie is referring to in the title of her book Who Would You Be Without Your Story?