Here's the truth:

These peers of mine in class...most of them...or maybe all of them aren't women I feel I want to connect with.  There...I said it.

I've been so emotionally spent this week, drained.  I'm no longer angry cause I finally voiced my opinion in the class message boards writing a big long post that according to my coach, therapist, and French Fry was clear, clean, and good.  I spent hours on it.  And now as expected I've been called into the principal's office so to speak.  The coach who manages the program has requested we speak on the phone.

but i have to say all this emotional work is very tiring and tiring in a way that is different than professional work being tiring.  and i feel alone, but not in the way i always complain about.  i feel alone because apparently i've been utilizing my friends, family, romantic partners around me my whole life to fill my emotional security up, to be my processing centers....except the healthy way to live is to fill that security up on my own from within me and when I need reassurances....I no longer remember what I was going to write after reassurances.  and in terms of processing well this week i saw how long-winded i am.  and all the processing with people in person and over IM or the phone was so draining.  It would take me back into whatever had made me upset and revisiting the emotions of situations while telling the stories was so draining that it stopped me a little from talking about the stuff.  i can't even finish this post...being pulled to do a number of things and can't concentrate enough...brain is tired.