a memory comes to mind of college something i now understand and may not have before. and i think how in class coaches say we have 10,000 limiting beliefs and when we do the work we excavate each one and then work on them one by one. on some level this is such a joke...so many people DON'T work on them, but I'm proud to say i'm not one of these people anymore. i'm slowly and slowly taking grasp of all the things i stagnated on. i deal little by little. there is this part of me inside that is so clear about some of the things i'm seeking in my life, but everything else crowds over that. for every fucking button that my stupid desi partner pushes i'm still not feeling like i should break this relationship up. i realize i should have listened to my instinct after her first bizarro episode, but now some part of me sees the silver lining here is that she stirs up a lot of of my family crap that i need to deal with once and for all in order to let it go and get to really be me. i want to ask do you know what it feels like to have family who doesn't see you or love you for the reasons you love yourself...but the sad thing is i know people who would answer in the affirmative and then say themselves. people who themselves will say my parents damaged me. but sometimes being the bigger person as i have been the last week with my desi partner still can make one angry a little bit. sometimes you just want to tell the person off in theory. i never would and no good would ever come of it...her already insecure and fragile ego would spilt apart. lesson 1: no more classes online or over the phone.
lesson 2: if i'm going to have to deal with elementary education and/or mediocrity then i need another community that compensates for my lack of challenge in the first one...a professional one, not a personal one
lesson 3: working with the indian person in class does not necessarily mean you will connect.
lesson 4: just because someone worked for the top investment bank in nyc doesn't meant they are emotionally savvy. it actually means NOTHING.
i'm alone
my parents don't understand me or what i'm seeking
why have i never met any man since college that has been amazing. clearly it has something to do with me.
Shelter ~
Sarah McLachlan
They're crowded into the smallest spaces
While outside, all of nature cries
It's known to be cruel and unfair
But there is no place to hide
Oh, I've seen a part of people that I never really wanted to share
Oh, I've seen a part of people that I never knew was there
Shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm
Shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm
I can't sleep - haunted by their faces
The sadness in their eyes
It hurts so much to see them helpless
It makes me want to cry
But still there is so much left unanswered
For so many innocent lives
They closed the door and are letting nobody in
And only the strong will survive
Shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm
Give them shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm
I've seen the anger and I've seen all the dreams
And I've watched their existence torn apart at the seams
And though I may seem helpless
I will do all that I can do
I've seen a part of people that I never really wanted to share
Oh, I've seen a part of people that I never knew was there
Shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm
Give them shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm
Shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm
Give them shelter, give them shelter from the coming storm
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