(Photo source: Me, 2009)

Today is one of those for every step I took forward I still can't get it right days.  I am feeling a little teary and upset with myself.  I had an appointment today that was important and I missed it.  This after the productive day I had yesterday.  I tried to write a post last night to keep a record for myself of all the things I accomplished yesterday and about what I was thinking about a new approach, but it didn't happen.  Writing is hard for me sometimes.  Apparently most things are hard for me.

Maybe I have an incorrect notion that when I start to take better care of myself I won't fuck up.  I won't oversleep and miss appointments.  People won't get mad at me.  I will be right.  Just writing that makes me tear up.  I feel sad cause I'm alone today.  I'm alone most days.  By choice.  People suggest things like I should get a roommate or a boyfriend, but they don't understand these things would not help me in the long run.  I needed to be in this place...stripped down to the essentials, no distractions, no drama.  Roommates, boyfriends are distractions and when around are places where I misguidedly sink too much energy.  In the past I would have emailed French Fry, but after such a good report yesterday why deflate her balloon by telling her how I fucked up today?  I wanted to eat pizza and drink soda and bury myself in all that.  Instead I cooked an omelette, cut up an apple and made myself some chai.

Sometimes I just feel alone.  Maybe this is an abnormal thing.  Maybe on a regular basis others don't feel that way.  I know some of this is my own issues, but some of it isn't.  I just don't have friends in NYC right now who are around.  People are busier than usual right now which I don't resent.  I get this.  They will resurface once things get less busy for them.  And others, one other, just continues to prove she isn't equipped or does not want to be my friend in the way I want her to be.  I could take it personally and I'm sure I do, but it isn't just me.  And in order to stop being so upset about this on a recurring basis I keep saying to myself I have to let go of my expectations for her and release some of the focus I pay to this friendship.  Clearly this is harder to do than to say.  I feel resentful and want to talk to our common friends about it.  But I don't.  That is immature, disrespectful to her and wouldn't accomplish anything except making me feel guilty for doing it.  There are some exercises I know from my coaching that would help so I should sit down and do those.

I would like to think that I'm a little more aware and feel a little more now that I'm not anyone's responsibility.  Not my parents, my friends, my therapist or my coach.  Sometimes or maybe more than rarely it would be nice to hear from those around me that I'm important to them, that they recognize how my presence in their life means something to them.