This badge is from Jamie Ridler Studios. If you're intrigued then check out this blog post. I stood in front of the wall of badges and wondered which I was. (Can one stand in front of a wall of something online? Hmm.) Looking at it again the only other badge that resonated was I am a dancer. Odd that I am a healer didn't seem to draw me in. I thought I am a writer. But then I felt self-conscious that my friends that are actual writers (meaning they have written stories and articles and had them published) would see this badge and guffaw while thinking Samosas is no writer. But I am a writer. I may not write journalistic articles or books or short stories, but I write here on a regular basis. And writing here (even if it is just like personal journaling) is a way that I air the thoughts in my head and I try sometimes to use this space to work through things. Maybe despite all my rage I am still just a rat in a cage and nothing gets accomplished here...I don't know (credit: Smashing Pumpkins). But I write nonetheless. I am a writer.
I have to tell you Jamie Ridler speaks to something inside me. I heard of Jamie's work a few years ago from reading Jessie's blog Diary of a Self-Portrait. And was reminded of her recently. I added her on Facebook recently and look forward when I sign in to see what daily question or Osho card she has posted that day. Plus Jamie posts these fun videos for all the different work she is doing and they are great to watch. She has a number of projects going at the same time it seems: Wishcasting Wednesdays, Full Moon Dreamboards, etc. The few sentences she writes on Facebook every day or the question she asks speaks to some place deep within me and I stop (Yes I actually stop) and sit and ponder and then participate by leaving a comment sometimes. I want myself to get comfortable in this world of creatives and coaching. I want to get comfortable with having a white board in front of me and creating anything I can think of. I tell myself there are no parameters, no critics...but this white canvas is too foreign to me and I am not comfortable with it. I want to turn and ask "Wait, aren't there any guidelines? What colors am I supposed to use? What if I fall off the edge?"
I thought for a while about applying to be a part of the 7-person group Jamie offers called Circe's Circle. I think I watched the video at least 3 times. But when I looked at the application I had no clue what goal exactly I would utilize this community support to move forward on. My goals are so not distinct and sharp right now; they are vague and general and gauzy. I wonder if it has to be something artistic or something such as set up my business or write a book. Except my goal would be something like give myself the space and permission to explore and become more of who I AM not who others want or expect me to be. Let's brainstorm some goals:
To launch a coaching practice? I'm already in a group for that, albeit not a group I'm in love with but I'm starting to warm up to it a little more. Thing is...I don't even know if I want to launch a coaching practice. (Side note: Someone from class emailed me today saying she is going to be visiting NYC in a few weeks and would I like to get together. I even responded to her email and said sure and initiated making plans.)
To open myself up to having a romantic partner again? Umm...sure I want that, but honestly...I seem pretty closed off to working on this and it seems like a stereotypic, dependent woman's issue to bring to a group.
To improving my friendships/relationships in general...how is this creative?
To find a new job? Again, I would be dragging my heels on this if I was constantly pushed by the group every week about this. And you know what? They wouldn't even be pushing me...they would be trying to support me, but I would feel it as pushing me and pressure.
God, I just reread these ideas. Hi..is there anything I'm NOT tackling right now in my life? Yes, I'm being dramatic I know. But seriously I was thinking earlier today I feel like I'm doing a big upheaval and everything is being questioned and open to change.
I think the only goal I can think of that feels like it fits in my skin would be practicing what Cheryl Richardson refers to as self-care and thereby fostering an environment to create my life with the things I want in it, not the things my parents want, or the Indian community, or anyone else. By practicing self-care I fill myself up in a way to have the energy, support and health to have my cylinders all running which is what would help me most in taking the larger risks (some listed above). So maybe self-care and figuring out what I love to do and want to surround myself with in my life. I don't necessarily mean friends, etc., as much as I mean things like...for the longest time I've known how much joy I could derive from taking a dance class and have desired to forever. So instead of just thinking about it or talking about it I would actually do it. Creating my vision board. Improving my Hindi-speaking skills. Reconnecting to the joy I derived for most of my life from reading books. Maybe I should see if there is still an opening in Circe's Circle and see if these ideas line up with what Circe's Circle offers.
On that note I've decided to add another badge below. What would your badge say?
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