Here's the thing...

I don't have time for your bullshit anymore.  Not when it is directed towards me.  See here's the thing.  I've put up with bullshit for most of my life.  Bullshit from family and their issues (EVERY family has this; stop judging), my own bullshit, big time bullshit from some of the men I've dated, and bullshit from friends.  I've come to find this week that although I've softened and changed my position/attitude about things that used to consume me....they no longer stress me out compared to how they did in the past...there is still bullshit in my life that will remain there if I continue to allow it space...and why would I give bullshit a place to take up residence in my life?  That space is valuable so I think it is time to evict this resident and find new tenants.  Does that make me a bitch?  I guess that is a matter of personal opinion.  But this life is my property; I own it...and I am the only person here to look out for its well-being.  Sorry if this doesn't meet your needs, but I'm ready to be a priority and I can't live in that place of excuses that I lived in for so long about why someone isn't making me a priority.  In that way things are very black and white.  Years ago when Oprah interviewed the now deceased Professor Randy Pausch on her show she asked since he would not be there while his daughter was growing up what advice he wanted to leave for her.  And one of the things he said was that when it came to men she should always look at a man's actions, instead of just listening to his words...that men can say anything, but what holds more meaning is what actions they take in how they treat her.  That has always stayed with me.  How you treat someone is important.  Strong messages are sent that usually go unspoken.  I'm listening to those messages loud and clear now.  3 days ago I stated that I wouldn't be taking any phone calls after midnight and I've stuck to that statement.  In the same vein I'm no longer going to engage with people who are just giving me bullshit.  Don't get me wrong...these are good people (I wish I was only referring to one person, but I'm not), but they have shown through their actions that I'm not a priority or they haven't given me proper and respectful consideration or when they need something they show up, but when I ask something of them the favor isn't returned with the same sense of urgency as when I gave it.  Enough.  I'm done.

The next stage...

I am quiet
calm
unfettered
silent

I am thinking about birth
moms
the beginning of new life

I would say there are few spiritual moments in life
and the birth of a child is one of them
but this way of thinking no longer applies to me

I think there are many spiritual moments in life
every day
but there is something to be said
for the external and apparent moment
of the birth of a child

I am reminded at this moment of an interview I once heard with author Isabel Allende
I searched online and found this (part 2)
This speaks to me to this place from which I want to live my life
The world does not seem to care about this
But I care
In this space my world is no longer
pushed around
by immature boyfriends
by family hysterics
by the outside world trying to push its value system upon me.
In this place I am not sucked into other's dramas and issues
I do not seek to change those around me
I only seek to grow myself

Marianne Williamson once said...
"...as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."

This is all I can do for those in my life--
develop as much as possible
into the person that most resonates with me.

Oprah Winfrey once said...
"The whole point of being alive
is to evolve into the complete person
you were intended to be."

and

"We can’t become
what we need to be
by remaining what we are."

Wombs For Rent

Oprah's show today was about infertility and American women using surrogate mothers in India to have babies. First of all, I want Lisa Ling's job! She researches and talks about current topics in this country such as the FLDS communities that have been in the news recently, puppy mills (that hold a special place in my heart because of my little Shammu) and now "outsourcing" surrogacy to India. I always find it interesting to hear Americans' thoughts on India, especially those that have visited the country. I think the show did a good job of not being too ethnocentric or judgmental. When showing how the money the women receive is invested into building new homes for their families Ling tried to explain and show what is considered thriving in that community in India. There are so many stereotypes of that part of the world. I'm amazed still when non-Indians try to sum up India. It is a country of many contradictions, one that cannot be summed up in a single phrase.

As I am currently single and not trying to have a child, surrogacy and motherhood are not things I think much about. However, given my age group I know many people who are currently pregnant, trying to get pregnant or who have just had kids. There is an interestingly LARGE number of people that I know that are having or have had twins (some through in-vitro and others naturally). I know from personal stories of others about the struggles of getting pregnant in your mid-30s. And also one story of the length couples will go to just to have a baby with their genetic make-up, spending over $100,000 to try to accomplish this. If I was in their place maybe I would feel the same passion and dedication to this wish as they do. But sitting in the place I am right now I feel sad for the thousands of children without parents who are in orphanages, foster or group homes wishing for a family. I continue to be amazed at the stigma attached to adoption, as if it is somehow bad, that that child is second-rate, or that the chance of problems with that kid is higher. It seems in the society I grew up in no one considers this method of becoming parents until nothing else works. I missed the first five minutes of this show and maybe Oprah asked them this then, but why didn't the first couple consider adopting kids in America? Instead they chose to basically rent out the womb of a little woman (literally she is shorter than 5 feet I think they said) in India. This show did not question or fully address the health of these surrogate women. The New Yorker ran an article in the last year about studies being done linking a person's health in mid and later life (specifically the incidence of Coronary Artery Disease) to their mother's health 5 years prior to her delivering the child. The surrogate women are taken care of at the center during the pregnancy, but what was their health like prior to them becoming surrogates?

The second half of the show was taken up with Martha Stewart's daughter Alexis talking about her struggle to become pregnant and how she and her mother spend $28,000 a month on this goal. First of all, this woman is SO MONOTONE. I don't know if this is because as she explained she has to look at this as a job or she will get too emotional about the process, but she just seemed shut down. Oprah tried to set up a funny moment and Alexis just didn't take the bait. She spoke about how in Hollywood people don't discuss the difficulties of getting pregnant as you get older and that celebrity magazines don't talk about this problem. So are we to deduce that Alexis Stewart gets her news from celebrity magazines and believes what is written in US Weekly? I assume in today's world that if you're of a certain age you know at least one person/couple who is having a hard time have children, so that argument of hers didn't hold any weight for me. Apparently Alexis has her own radio show Whatever on Sirius. I have never heard it, but it sounds like it is all about her and her friend Jennifer. *Yawn*

What are your thoughts on this topic?

Book Review: Quantum Wellness by Kathy Freston

(Photo source: Amazon.com)

Book Review from my friend in the Pacific Northwest:

I heard about Quantum Wellness on Dooce, about how amazing and life-altering it might be, and then Anu sent me the link to Oprah's blog about her vegan cleanse. I was intrigued, so I ordered the book from Amazon and immediately started reading it. And, 160 pages later, I threw down the book in a rage. The end.

Oh, ok, there's a little more. I actually really enjoyed the book at first, because most of what she was saying were philosophies I already believed in--meditation, visualization, reducing clutter, reaching for goals that are beyond your current realms in life--these were all wonderful tenets Freston claimed she would discuss, and I was excited to see how I could improve my life with these techniques. Now, to be clear, I enjoy my life greatly, but have everyday frustrations, like always having too much to do, being tired much of the day, and have some nagging small health issues, like chronic ear infections, so while I wasn't clamoring for "the answer" to all my problems, I was hoping for some new ideas on how to tackle these issues.

The problem was that, well, she discussed almost none of this. Almost the entire book is devoted to why you should convert to veganism. Which, fine, ok. But that's not a whole health plan on wellness. I don't even know that it's Freston's fault, but her book is marketed incorrectly. I don't want to be vegan, and I have no intention of being vegan. I was open to her ideas until her research (or perhaps her researcher's research) started nagging at me too much to continue reading.

She claimed one of the big reasons to be a vegetarian or a vegan is because animal protein has arachidonic acid in it, and this spurs cancer cells on and feeds them, causing all sorts of issues, and that human beings shouldn't be eating meat because of this poison. One issue is that arachidonic acid, or as many mothers might know it, ARA (or AA), is added to infant formulas to make it healthier for babies. That's right, human infants need ARA to grow. It's naturally present in breast milk, and most mammals need it to survive their entire lives. Some mammals can convert plant linoleic acid into ARA, but some mammals cannot. We straddle between the two, but there is no question that infants need direct ARA from breast milk (or formula). She never mentions the need for infants and small children to consume ARA, which means, to me at least, that she had poor research, or she wanted to present a biased, uninformed view of veganism. She was evangelizing, which I hate. So very, very much.

Even so, I saw her point on vegetarianism, which was this: if you want to be kinder to the environment, don't eat meat. If you believe the killing of animals for meat and leather is wrong, don't do it; it won't settle with you spiritually, and your life and/or health will be unbalanced. She could have said so much more simply, more kindly, with less bias, and won me over. I used to be a vegetarian and I've decided to only eat meat locally, bought from farmer's markets, and perhaps to stop eating meat altogether again, some day. But I don't believe I will ever be vegan.

I saw flaws in so much of what she said after that. She has a whole chapter on doing a "cleanse" that is caffeine, alcohol, gluten free and also vegan. Now, I don't believe in cleanses; I don't believe they do anything but throw your body into a tailspin. Perhaps I'm wrong for some. I don't think there's anything wrong with cutting out any one (or two) of those items from your diet permanently and focuses on less processed, whole foods. I do believe that's a key to happiness. BUT, a cleanse? No, unhealthy, perhaps even dangerous. You can read about what a doctor told Dooce, if you like.

She had some interesting points on focusing on four R's in more equal balance: regular (chores, daily job, etc), rejuvenate, reach and relate (to people), and that there has to be a balance. Unfortunately, I think those are more intertwined than she puts them out there, as four separate quadrants of life. Her examples from her life also seem a little far-fetched for some of us--I'd love to rejuvenate by taking a daily hike each morning for a few hours, but geez, my toddler and baby might be angry at me for not feeding them and abandoning them each day till noon.

I'll stop here, because I could write more (and I didn't even finish the book!) but you get the idea--great thoughts in theory, poor execution. I'm searching for something else more interesting, more in tune with what will help me, so I've decided to read a Mark Bittman cookbook instead! I'm sure some sesame noodles will give me clarity and help me with my overburdened schedule far more than Freston was able to.
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After reading my friend's review I've abandoned reading Freston's book. I've been feeling pulled to read Eckhart Tolle's A New Earth and Martha Beck's Finding Your Own North Star so I'm going to do that instead!

I mentioned a few weeks ago that I was going to see Dr. Martha Beck speak at The 92nd Y and would come back here and write about my experience. To be honest I wasn't as moved by it as I hoped to be and thus have not posted about it on here. Having seen her speak before I felt this time fell a little short. She is an engaging and funny woman, but having her speak for only a little over an hour doesn't do her work justice. When she talks about the magic and beauty in life she shares wonderful anecdotes and I could have sat there and listened to many more of those. Or it would have been fascinating to hear about the current scientific research out there that supports her work. Plus I always feel weirded out by all the groupies who come to events like this. (You should see people when they are at The Oprah Winfrey Show!) There is something awkward about standing in front of someone who is famous and who an audience member thinks she knows (but doesn't personally) and telling her while she signs her book that she changed your life. Hence, right after the talk ended I left while the book signing was going on.

What I'm Reading...

I'm headed to Borders today with my birthday gift certificate to purchase this book. I heard Oprah Winfrey's overview of it in her recent Stanford Commencement Address and thought it sounded quite in sync with Martha Beck's Finding Your Own North Star which I just started reading. Daniel Pink's website looking interesting as well.